21/01/2023
Fatherhood
I read many posts from mothers about the struggles of single parenting, its quite rare to hear from the dads on the other side of that coin.
I'm writting this today because I am consumed by thoughts of my daughters and what's to come after receiving yet another threat of mediation
My journey with fatherhood has not been an easy one, we separated when my eldest daughter was 4 moths old, to find out we where pregnant with a second the day I was moving my belongings out of the house.
I missed the birth of my second daughter because I was parking the car, I had zero input into naming her, she was hours old before I was allowed to hold her, the doctors, midwives and the mother all had cuddles before I did. I was allowed to sleep on her couch for 6 nights before I was told I had to leave, the longest consecutive amount of time i have spent with ella in nearly 5 years, in that time I was fortunate enough to maybe get a cuddle a day.
This is how my journey with fatherhood started. My eldest, Tilly, turns 6 at the end of this month, it's been a long ride.
Today the battles continue, there just different, 6 years ago I was fighting for a cuddle, today I'm fighting to get an hour with my daughter on her birthday, im being told what I can and can't do with her for that hour, can't take her for icecream because the 'suger' sets her off and if im doing that then her dinner plans are being cancelled.
So the pressure of that choice is put on me, tilly gets a special treat with daddy or dinner with the rest of her family, she can't have both.
I could write a book of similar examples, these simple little things that are constant battles
I'm often asked:
'why don't you just have them more?'
Yea because I choose not to! Because I made that choice along time ago, to only see them every second weekend 🤦♂️
Because it's easy to drop them at school on a Monday morning came home to half eaten bowls of cereal on the table, drink bottles, toys, teddies, blankets, Pillows and cloths spread all over the house, knowing that once iv cleaned it all up, the house won't look like this for another 12 days. That I won't hear the innocent laughter and giggles of sisters playing together or the tears, that I can't cuddle them when they are sad or hurt for another 12 days. That the video calls are ignored and responded to once they are in bed asleep or the timing doesn't suit or there to busy, to tired.
To be in the school yard 12 days later for other school mums to make smart ass comments about my turn to 'babysit' for the weekend, to inform me of what my daughters have been doing the past 2 weeks...
'Why don't you just have them more?'
Today I woke up and shed a tear, a tear for me and a tear for my girls. Right now I'm choosing to sit in my s**t so I can openly share this and maybe have some of the rawness shine through, not for validation or 'poor me' bull s**t but to share insight into what single fatherhood can sometimes look like.
I used to choose anger, sadness, resentment and hate, I used to come out guns blazing, firing shots and stomping feet.
Today I feel it all again, I just choose not to express it, im exploring what is here for me, I'm choosing to share here simply for awerness, I already know what I need to do next and how to shift from this space of feeling like a 'victim'
Is parenthood after separation something you struggle with? Do you need some assistance navigating the challenges? Let's chat ❤️🤙