28/04/2025
✨ Ghorepani and P**n Hill Trek - an unexpected and deeply healing experience.
20 years ago I trekked a significant stretch of the Annapurna’s, in winter, and as a group leader. Admittedly I was fitter and 20kg lighter…pre kids and coming out of playing years of state league netball. While I loved the trek I didn’t really want the type of challenge I’d had before but I knew that trek was a perfect way to witness Nepal’s natural beauty and for Ella to see and explore another side of Nepali life and culture. So we chose, what everyone said, was an ‘easy trek’. A short 4-5 days, lower altitude than before and in nicer weather conditions. What could go wrong?!!!
Well, what I didn’t expect was that trek would show me the physical impact of PTSD. It’s not something I’ve spoken about to many. But it’s been a journey that turned my life (and my families) upside down. For the last 2 years I’ve been put through the wringer mentally and emotionally. I was betrayed by those I trusted, lied about and thrown under the bus as a scapegoat. Despite this, and with the help of Michael, my children, my friends, work family…and a great psychologist, I have proudly come out the other side I’m now emotionally stronger, more resilient and determined than ever before…and importantly vindicated.
However what I hadn’t fully realised until trek was the physical side of ptsd and just how weak my body had become. The ongoing stepping up and up….over irregular shaped, distanced steps…some tall and close together and others short but spaced out had my legs feeling heavy pretty quickly. My old SIJ/Glute injury decided to also come along for the ride and by a few hours in my hip was excruciating. Surprisingly I also felt a hot spot on my heal despite good socks and worn in boots.
On the flip side, Ella and Narayan waltzed up the never ending steps as if they were on a light stroll. They laughed and told stories, strengthening their friendship and connection. Narayan taught Ella a lot about his childhood, Nepali culture and life in general. In particular words like ‘health is happiness’ and ‘being happy keeps you healthy’….he is seriously Yoda with words of wisdom that hit home. Thinking I was just slow and unfit, they’d wait for me to catchup. Ella saying ‘c’mon mum you’ve got this!’ I’d reply ‘dont worry about me chick, Im fine, I’m just on my own journey right now,’. With every step I thought of what I’d been through the past 2 years, I thought also of my clients. Plus those in the depths of postpartum or when they’d endured long labours and unwanted experiences. I found their stories gave me the determination to keep stepping up, to keep breathing, to keep going…slowly slowly!
Beautiful jungle, random goats and buffalo, many locals welcoming us as we walked through their villages was a highlight. Terraced vegetable gardens growing corn, the white and blue houses teetering on the edge and speckled across the mountain face was captivating. The hospitality we received at guest houses was topped only by the Nepali cuisine. Crisp, blue skies, the sound of the river that lined our path was a beautiful change from the hustle and bustle of Kathmandu and Pokhara. I pointed out flowers we have at home and taught Narayan the English names. My favourite was him saying Hibiscuits….instead of hibiscus. He’d tell jokes and sing songs. We laughed a lot and along the way applauded the many porters carrying the heavy loads of other trekkers to lazy to carry their own packs.
Finally arriving to Ghorepani I rejoiced. We took some photos, gave high 5s and felt excited about the prospect of a shower and food. We rested for a few minutes while Narayan had our trekking permits signed off. We then started walking again. With a spring in my step I wondered which building is our guest house? But to my surprise we kept walking up and up again! After a while I thought ‘what the hell! Why are we still walking, we are in Ghorepani!’ I then discovered that Ghorepani is in 3 sections….we needed to get to the top. So more steps, more climbing!! I won’t lie, the realisation broke me! I literally cried out to Narayan ‘no, no more steps, I can’t!’ In my head I said ‘FFS easy trek my arse!’. I got a little bit angry, I swore out loud…I didn’t want to go any further! But again I thought of the last two years, and my clients. I then realised it was also 2 years to the day that started my ptsd journey. It felt symbolic, it felt like I was close to full circle…I just had to overcome this final challenge and come back into myself. So, in pain, I stepped up and up and up. Ella, my biggest cheerleader, knowing the darkness of the last 2 years, walked with me. I kept saying ‘I can do this, I’ve done harder before!’
I got to the bottom of the last rise, it seemed steeper than all the others. Ella stood at the top and yelled ‘one at a time mum!’ She filmed me climb to the top. As soon as I reached the final step I was welcomed with views of the Annapurnas and overwhelmed with emotions. I burst into tears and said ‘it’s over, I did it!’.
I never thought this ‘easy trek’ would be so tough. During trek I hated feeling so physically weak and slow, I was angry at my body and myself. But on completion and reflection I felt proud of myself…emotionally, mentally and physically. I felt released and free!
The next morning, at 430 and with heavily taped heals, I popped on my boots again and trekked up the final 500m or so to the top of P**n Hill in the dark hoping to make it for sunrise. Sunrise at P**nhill is a highlight of the Ghorepani Trek with spectacular views of the Annapurnas so close you feel like you could reach out and touch them. Half way up and again feeling the pain of my blisters and hip I pulled Narayan aside and told him to go ahead with Ella. He didn’t want to at first, but I said I didn’t want Ella to miss it and I knew he could get her to the top quickly and safely. He reluctantly agreed and told Ella ‘mum said to go!’ Now alone on my own journey I talked myself up ‘you can do this, you’ve done harder before!’ I made it to the top with time to spare. It was also Anzac Day morning. What a way to acknowledge the strength of my grandparents than to stand at the top of P**n Hill with my girl, and after overcoming so much! Warmed with hot tea courtesy of Narayan we spent quite some time staring at the mountains. As the sun got higher the colours of prayer flags and snow on the mountains glowed. It was breathtakingly beautiful. A core memory!
Ella has held me so much over the last two years. I’m so glad we did this together. She has seen me at my weakest but hopefully also at my strongest.
On a funny note, Narayan almost vomited when he saw my blisters and said he would carry my pack back down….i didn’t let him! I did concede and allow him to book a jeep from Ulleri instead of Nayapul, but that was it!
The boots are now away, and thongs are on for the rest of the trip. We head back to Kathmandu today for some more meetings with project providers and partners and also our traditional cooking course.
With less days left than we have been here I look forward to hugging my boys tightly. I miss them so much!
❤️
