01/04/2023
Right now I’m working with several clients in the predicament of assessing whether they want to stay or end a current relationship. Usually referring to newish relationships (say anything from a few weeks – to a year or so).
They are doing lots a great observing, tuning into to how they feel, their schema triggers and modes. Still, a nagging feeling of uncertainty and confusion persists. These are all clients who want to change past patterns and want to do things differently.
One of the areas of confusion is trying to figure out if they are sabotaging themselves (ie their schemas lead to coping behaviours which damage an otherwise good thing) or if they are noticing aspects & behaviours in their partners which actively & significantly trigger and wound them in the same or similar ways their early attachment figures did. Are they in a high schema chemistry relationship or schema-driven relationship or not?
What I notice is that when our 'Vulnerable child' mode (VCM) is heavily activated in a new relationship, we are often led by the hopes & dreams of the VC. It is this part (or parts) of us that has a very hard time ending a relationship which is simply “not good enough”, ie a relationship which does not meet our emotional needs enough of the time.
These relationships (or partners in this case) usually have strong “good” elements and moderately strong “bad” elements >>> hence the good/bad mix which is a feature of every high schema chemistry relationship and which dynamic is deeply familiar to the VC.
In many of my clients I notice a strong tendency. That is - to rationalize, justify, excuse, minimize and overlook their 'Healthy Adult' wisdom (HAM). This does not mean they are foolish or unintelligent, it just speaks to the strength of schema chemistry and the strong emotional ties people can feel towards partners, who are essentially, not good for them. In these cases, their VCM is stuck, almost fixated on what is either needed but missing OR present but harmful, OR both. Their little child inside is often thinking and feeling something like this…..”If only I can hang in there, be the best version of me I can be, then surely they will come good, surely they will love me, if I just stay long enough if will be okay, they will love me and then I’ll be loveable”. There are many other things the VC might be feeling and thinking – depending of course on which schemas are deepest and strongest.
Among other things, I’ll often ask my clients to keep a journal record and to ask themselves the following 10 questions as part of our work together. These questions are about clearly assessing the quality and nature of the current relationship and would form part of a broader collaborative process.
try asking yourself these questions:.........
1. When it comes to core emotional needs, which needs are met in the relationship, how often and to what degree? Go through each one, be realistic and guided by both actual evidence and your gut feelings.
2. What is ‘good’ about your partner & how they are with you?
3. What is not so good?
4. What is the ‘good’/’bad’ ratio? (ie, 80/20, 50/50)
5. What (if anything) is missing? What do you long for but don’t get from your partner?
6. How (if any) do you know that your partner loves and cares for you? Get specific…..
7. Which of these core 4 relational schemas (abandonment, emotional deprivation, defectiveness & mistrust/abuse) get triggered in your relationship and can you identify and articulate the full trigger chain, provide some examples.
8. Do you intentionally hide or inhibit your thoughts, needs and feelings in your relationship on a regular basis….give specific examples.
9. Notice if you ever (when and how often) experience strong triggers in your relationship where you feel confused, fearful, child-like, helpless, panicked or self-critical. Record these in detail.
10. Do you have shared hopes & dreams that are spoken about, acknowledged or discussed?
Dr Gemma Gladstone - The Red Flag Project
