28/07/2025
Self Sabotage
We self sabotage because part of us does not yet believe we are safe, ready, or worthy of the thing we say we want. Self sabotage is not a failure of willpower. It is a form of self protection. It is the unconscious attempt to maintain familiarity, to avoid disappointment, to stay in control of the pain we already know rather than risk the pain we do not.
Deep down, many of us carry wounds that were never acknowledged or healed. We may have grown up in environments where love was inconsistent, where success came with pressure, or where safety meant staying small and quiet. From those early experiences, we develop internal narratives that tell us who we are and what we are allowed to have. These beliefs do not disappear just because we grow older. They become the lens through which we see ourselves and the world.
If you believe, even subconsciously, that love is conditional, you will push people away the moment they get too close. If you believe that success means losing yourself or being judged, you will procrastinate or sabotage opportunities. If you believe that happiness always ends, you will create chaos just to confirm that belief. These are not conscious choices. They are old survival responses playing out in new situations.
Self sabotage often comes from a fear of change. Even if your current life feels painful, it is familiar. It is predictable. And for the nervous system, predictability feels safer than the unknown. Growth asks you to step into something new. Healing asks you to let go of what once protected you. That can feel terrifying. The part of you that sabotages is not trying to hurt you. It is trying to keep you from being hurt again.
There is also the fear of failure. Many people would rather sabotage themselves early than risk giving their all and failing later. It is a way to stay in control. If you mess it up yourself, at least it was your decision. That feels more manageable than being rejected or overlooked after doing your best. It is a defence mechanism against disappointment.
On the other hand, some people fear success just as much as they fear failure. Success can bring visibility. It can bring pressure. It can bring responsibility. If you are not used to being seen or celebrated, that level of attention can feel threatening. You may sabotage opportunities just to return to a level of comfort that feels safer, even if it keeps you unfulfilled.
Another reason we self sabotage is because we are addicted to old emotional patterns. If chaos was part of your early life, peace may feel boring or unfamiliar. If you grew up feeling like you had to earn love, then unconditional support may feel suspicious. We recreate the emotional tone of our early experiences because it feels like home, even if that home was full of pain. It is not logical. It is emotional memory. It is patterning.
There is also shame. Deep, unspoken shame can cause us to believe we are not good enough for love, success, happiness, or rest. Shame is not just a feeling. It is an identity. When we carry shame, we sabotage anything that challenges that identity. We tell ourselves, “This is too good to last,” or, “I do not deserve this,” and then unconsciously make it true.
The first step to healing self sabotage is not to punish yourself for doing it. It is to understand it. To ask, “What am I really afraid of?” or, “What belief is driving this behaviour?” When you become curious instead of critical, you create space for change. You begin to see that the part of you sabotaging is not the enemy. It is the younger version of you who is still trying to stay safe.
You must learn to work with that part of you, not against it. Speak to it gently. Ask what it needs. Reassure it that you are not going to abandon yourself anymore. Let it know that you are no longer in the same place you were when those patterns began. Offer it love, safety, and consistency. In doing so, you begin to build new internal agreements.
Self sabotage often fades when self trust grows. When you trust yourself to handle success, to survive disappointment, to stay grounded in love, to speak your truth, you no longer need to sabotage what brings you closer to joy. You no longer need to dim your light to feel safe. You stop choosing pain as a precaution. You start choosing life as it is meant to be lived, full, real, and whole.
You are not weak for sabotaging. You are protecting. But you do not need to live in protection forever. There comes a time when you are ready to move from surviving into living. When that time comes, be patient with yourself. Do not expect perfection. Expect honesty. Expect effort. Expect progress.
Healing self sabotage is not about controlling every part of yourself. It is about integrating all of your parts. It is about listening to the fear and choosing to move forward anyway. It is about loving yourself enough to no longer abandon your own potential.
So if you have sabotaged love, or joy, or your dreams, you are not alone. You are not broken. You are simply at the edge of something new. And this time, you get to stay. This time, you get to show up for yourself, even when it feels uncomfortable. This time, you get to say, “I am worthy of what I desire. I am safe to grow. I will not turn away.”
This is how you break the pattern.
With love.
With awareness.
With the decision to finally let yourself have the life that was always meant for you.
© Cameron Bayliss 2025
