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23/11/2025

I think one of the things no one prepares you for when you leave the job is the grief.
Not just losing your career — but losing the social world that came with it.

When it’s taken from you, it isn’t just the uniform you hand back.
It’s the bond with the people you trusted with your life.
I worked with some absolutely brilliant officers. I would’ve stepped into harm’s way for any of them.
And now… I’m on the outside looking in.
(Not at their fault — it’s just the reality.)

I still care deeply about the QPS. I still want to help shift the path for injured officers.
But the truth is, I’m a civilian now.
Stuck in this weird space where I can’t unsee what I’ve seen, can’t switch off the instincts, can’t turn a blind eye…
but I also don’t have the powers anymore.

And it hits you at the strangest times.
Like today — driving to get groceries — and out of nowhere it’s like a punch to the chest and I’m crying my eyes out.

Most days I handle it.
Most days I’m okay with the fact that chapter’s over.
But today wasn’t one of those days.

So instead of sitting in it, I’m sharing a few of my favourite clips from over the years — to remind people that behind the uniform, we’re human.
Normal people.
Trying to do a job that sometimes makes you feel less than human.

21/11/2025

I read a line the other day about going to your first deceased body and how you cope.
It said, ‘the first one takes everything from you, the rest are free of charge.’

There’s a version of you that exists before you see what people are capable of.
Before the evil.
Before the chaos.
Before the scenes that play on a loop in your head long after everyone else moves on.

Once you lift that veil on society, you can’t unsee it.
You can’t unknow it.
Something in you shifts — quietly, permanently.

You don’t come home the same.
You don’t look at people the same.
You don’t look at yourself the same.

You learn to function with a part of you missing, a part you never get back.

You learn to laugh again, but it’s different.
You learn to love again, but it’s guarded.
You learn to live again, but it’s heavier.

And that’s the part no one talks about —
how the job rewires you.
How you lose pieces of the old you without realising it.
How survival slowly becomes a personality trait.

But if you’re still here…
still showing up…
still trying…

Then that says something too.

It means the darkness didn’t win.
Not today.

15/11/2025

Some days it’s not about being strong —
it’s about not quitting.

I’m tired and not the kind of tired sleep fixes…
the kind that comes from carrying too much, for too long, in silence.

But even on the days I feel like I’ve got nothing left,
I still show up.
Not because I’m okay — but because I’m not done yet.

If you’re reading this and you’re running on empty too…
you’re not weak. You’re worn down, not broken.
And you’re still here.

That counts.
More than you think.

10/11/2025

Sad to hear of the passing of Ian Leavers, who was the president of the QPU the entire time I served. I spoke to him only a couple of times and he always seemed interested in whatever menial thing I was asking. It’s heartbreaking to think that he woke this morning and saw no other way forward and took his own life. It hits home because I’ve had those thoughts but thankfully have always managed to keep them at bay. It’s a strong reminder that we just don’t know what someone may be going through behind closed doors and to be kind, always 💙

08/11/2025

Anyone else’s brain work like this?

04/11/2025

Every year I decorate our house inside and out with lights and every year I am mystified by how I can pack the lights away nice and carefully only for them to come out a tangled mess 😩 but this year I’m thankful. I’m thankful that I have the time (and a little patience) to be able to do this… even if it drives me a little bit crazy 😂

29/10/2025

💙

23/10/2025

Most days, I don’t feel like going.
But it’s routine now — I just go.
Head down, headphones on, get it done.

I don’t talk, don’t make eye contact.
The gym’s my space to fight the noise.

Truth is, I’m plagued with body dysmorphia.
I look in the mirror and still see the smaller version of me — the one from when I first joined the job.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be content with what I see staring back.
Getting older doesn’t help. I pull up sorer than I ever remember.

But here’s what I’ve learned —
Consistency to yourself is everything.
Not just in the gym, but in whatever makes you feel human again.
Reading a book.
Going for a walk.
Swimming.
Anything that helps you breathe again.

Whatever it looks like for you — do it for you.

Embrace the chaos.

22/10/2025

Exhausted doesn’t always mean defeated.
It just means the fight’s been long — and you’re still in it.
You’ve been running on fumes, pushing through noise, showing up when you had nothing left.
That’s not weakness. That’s war.

18/10/2025

“I’m fine.”

It rolls off the tongue before I even think about it.
Not because I’m fine — but because it’s easier. It’s automatic now, like muscle memory.
Somewhere along the line, ‘I’m fine’ became armour. A defence mechanism.

I say it because I don’t want to dump the weight I’m carrying on someone else. Because it feels safer to hide behind those two words than to explain the chaos underneath them.

But sometimes, that silence is heavier than the story itself.

🖤 Embrace the chaos.

10/10/2025

You don’t need to have it all figured out.
You just need to keep going.

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Brisbane, QLD

Website

https://unstableaustralia.etsy.com/

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