11/11/2025
When we become curious, with empathy and look behind behaviours - we start to see the âwhyâ instead of âwhatâ
Im writing a report thats making me both sad and angry. Harry is a four-year-old boy who started school in September. He is autistic, with high sensory sensitivities.
School is too noisy. Too crowded. Too unpredictable. He doesnât understand whatâs going on.
So â he bites. He hits. He kicks. He spits.
Heâs not being ânaughtyâ. Heâs trying to survive.
His world at school feels overwhelming. The lights are bright. Chairs scrape. Voices echo. Children rush past him in a blur. His brain canât filter or prioritise â everything comes in at once.
And because he experiences the world through monotropism â that intense, focused way of thinking and feeling â sudden transitions feel unbearable. When heâs deeply immersed in one activity, being told to stop and move to another is like being yanked out of a warm bath into a snowstorm.
His body reacts before his words can form. Thatâs not defiance â itâs distress.
Yet adults might say, âHe needs to make good choices.â Or, âHe has to apologise for hurting people.â
But how can he âmake good choicesâ when his nervous system is in survival mode? When heâs overloaded, confused, and scared? Expecting logical reflection from a dysregulated child is not fair â itâs like asking someone to swim while theyâre drowning. Hs behaviour is a nueral response, not under hos cognitive control.
He doesnât need consequences.
He needs connection.
He doesnât need a lecture.
He needs safety, understanding, and co-regulation.
When we start from compassion â when we understand why behaviour happens â we stop seeing a âproblem childâ and start seeing a child with problems he cannot yet express.