Sarah Tolmie Life&Love - Holistic Community Care

10/12/2025

Good reminders as we come into holiday season and end of year reflections and transitioning into a new year.
Xx
Sarah

Adjust these things now to enjoy a better quality of life straight away.

09/12/2025

Feeling the end-of-year crunch? Kids wild? Inbox exploding? Zero time for your relationship?

Here’s the truth: Healthy couples don’t always have big conversations or slow date nights — sometimes they just snack.

Short bursts of connection, tiny rituals, quick touches, small kindnesses.

And those micro-moments are what get you through the busy seasons intact.

A couple brought cake to their therapy session this week… and it became the perfect metaphor for surviving love when life is nuts.

I turned it into a new article full of practical, Gottman-informed skills you can start using today.

👉 Read it here: https://sarahtolmie.com.au/snacks-on-the-run-relationship-skills-for-when-life-is-full-time-is-tight-and-love-needs-fuel/

xx Sarah

The Snack Box that Became a Relationship Teaching There’s a rhythm couples know well — those seasons where work ramps up, kids get sick, Christmas barrels toward you like a glitter-covered freight train, and life starts asking more of you than you actually

09/12/2025

Esther. Speaking an uncomfortable but necessary truth! ❤️‍🩹

05/12/2025

In my holistic therapy practice I often ‘prescribe’ prayer - it can be a secular non-faith endeavor, unless you do have a religious faith - and my go to best prayer for self soothing, calm and affecting positive shifts in outcomes is Ho’oponopono- loads of research on this practice as effective for healing and forgiveness, (beginning with forgiving and being compassionate with self first).
It goes like this:
“I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you”.
Send each sentence to your heart centre - do one sentence slowly per in/out slow breath. Do for 2 or 5 or 10mins. You can hold in your attention a specific problem/person/event - or allow it to be a generalized overall cleaning of your entire energy body.
X### Sarah

Prayer is not just a spiritual practice; it physically changes the brain. Research using MRI and EEG scans shows that intentional prayer activates the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for focus, discipline, and emotional regulation.

At the same time, prayer reduces activity in areas linked to stress and fear. This can explain why people who pray regularly often report better mental health, improved resilience after trauma, and stronger self-control. These changes are specific to relational, intentional prayer, especially when directed toward a personal God, rather than general meditation or mindfulness practices.

Neuroscience now confirms what believers have long known: prayer has measurable effects on the mind. It reshapes neural pathways, promoting calmness, clarity, and emotional balance. The act of connecting with something greater than oneself helps the brain handle stress and regulate emotions more effectively.

This research bridges faith and science, showing that spiritual practices influence brain function in real, measurable ways. Prayer is both a mental and spiritual tool, transforming the mind and nurturing the heart. It is a reminder that intentional spiritual habits can create lasting neurological and emotional benefits.

03/12/2025

Couples who 'truly trust' each other regularly use these 7 phrases, says Harvard-trained psychologist—they're 'relationship goals.' Find the link in the comments. ⬇️

01/12/2025

No.4 is not often mentioned but one with picking up on - a shared interest or curiosity in arts and culture.
Your welcome 🥰

I'm a psychologist who studies couples: People in the happiest relationships have 5 things in common with their partner. Find the link in the comments. ⬇️

25/11/2025

A good summary of the common challenges and the strategies for wellbeing.
X
Sarah

The best time to start saving your marriage is straight away!

25/11/2025

**Love in All Brain Shapes: Why Today’s Couples Must Understand Their Neuro-Architecture**

Neurodiversity is showing up in our relationships more than ever — not as a problem, but as a map. We’re all wired differently, and knowing your partner’s neuro-architecture may be the most powerful relationship skill of our time. Here’s what I’m seeing in the therapy room… and why it’s giving me hope. Sarah xx

Read article here: https://sarahtolmie.com.au/love-in-all-brain-shapes/

By Sarah Tolmie - Life & Love Holistic Community Care: Sarah Tolmie is a relationship therapist, grief educator, and sacred deathcare practitioner, supporting individuals, couples, and families across the full arc of living, loving, and dying. Through her integrated Life & Love practice, she weaves therapeutic support with holistic funeral care and personalised ceremony to help people navigate connection, loss, and life’s deepest transitions with meaning and compassion.

23/11/2025

A good summary of many important things that regularly come up in couple work.
❤️‍🩹 Sarah

What makes a marriage thrive—not just survive? Why do some couples grow closer through conflict while others drift apart? In Boundaries in Marriage, clinical psychologist Dr. Henry Cloud explores these questions with profound insight. He emphasizes that love doesn’t flourish without responsibility, freedom, and respect—three elements held together by clear, healthy boundaries. This book invites readers to take ownership of their feelings and actions while creating space for growth, honesty, and connection in their marriage.

Here are lessons from Boundaries in Marriage:

1. Boundaries Protect, Not Control
Healthy boundaries in marriage aren't about manipulating or restricting your partner—they’re about protecting yourself and your relationship. By knowing where you end and your spouse begins, you create a safe space where both individuals can thrive and love authentically.

2. Responsibility Starts With You
Dr. Cloud highlights the importance of personal responsibility. You can’t change your spouse, but you can control your reactions, communicate your needs, and model the behavior you hope to receive. Taking ownership of your feelings, attitudes, and behaviors is foundational to a boundary-rich marriage.

3. Freedom Builds Love
Love requires choice. When a spouse feels forced or manipulated into behaving a certain way, love can’t flourish. Boundaries foster freedom—freedom to choose love, honesty, and integrity, which builds deeper connection over time.

4. Consequences Teach Respect
When one spouse continually crosses lines or behaves harmfully, consequences are necessary. Not as punishment, but as a tool for growth. Boundaries clarify what is and isn’t acceptable, and enforce consequences to protect emotional and relational health.

5. Honesty Is a Pillar of Boundaries
Truth-telling—about your feelings, limits, and desires—is critical. Cloud emphasizes that intimacy can only grow where there is honesty. When you hide pain or avoid conflict, you erode the foundation of trust.

6. Boundaries Reveal, Not Punish
Setting boundaries can be scary because it may lead to conflict. But they are not acts of punishment—they reveal the health and willingness of both spouses to grow. Boundaries help uncover whether both partners are willing to invest in the relationship.

7. Love and Limits Must Coexist
A loving relationship without limits invites disrespect. And limits without love feel harsh or distant. The balance of grace and truth—loving while holding firm to your values—is the sweet spot Cloud urges couples to find.

8. Mutual Growth Requires Boundaries
Boundaries in marriage aren't just about solving problems; they’re about creating a context where both individuals can grow. One partner’s personal development should never come at the cost of the other’s well-being.

9. Emotional Boundaries Matter Just as Much as Physical Ones
Cloud discusses the often overlooked area of emotional boundaries—saying no to blame, criticism, or emotional manipulation, and saying yes to healthy dialogue, empathy, and emotional responsibility.

10. Marriage Is a Dance of Individuality and Unity
A strong marriage doesn’t erase individuality—it respects it. Boundaries allow couples to be "one" without becoming enmeshed. You stay emotionally, spiritually, and mentally whole while remaining deeply connected.

Boundaries in Marriage is not about building walls; it's about building bridges—with structure. Dr. Cloud’s message is clear: love without limits becomes enabling, but limits without love become cold. Healthy marriages require both spouses to be accountable for their actions, clear in their values, and courageous enough to express what they need. In doing so, couples move from reactive conflict to proactive growth, crafting a marriage marked by freedom, responsibility, and enduring intimacy.

GÊT BOOK: https://amzn.to/3SHX8sk

ENJOY the AUDIOBOOK! Register for your Audible Membership Trial using the same link above and start listening today

FOLLOW Reading Culture

21/11/2025

Interesting read. It’s US but we tend to follow closely with the trends….

Reports of marriage’s demise are exaggerated, Brad Wilcox argues. The institution has adapted to changing circumstances and expectations. https://theatln.tc/lyKmutXF

Until 2022, the share of prime-age adults who were married was still on a long, slow downward march. But trends appear to have shifted.
“The idea that marriage will end in failure half the time or more—well entrenched in many American minds—is out-of-date. The proportion of first marriages expected to end in divorce has fallen to about 40 percent in recent years,” Wilcox writes, based on his analysis of national data. And the share of children raised in an intact married family for the duration of their childhood has climbed from a low point of 52 percent in 2014 to 54 percent in 2024.

“The institution’s record contains no shortage of injustices. In many times and places, marriage has been bound up with the oppression of women. (This article focuses mostly on heterosexual marriages, because marriage was not legal for same-sex couples until very recently.),” Wilcox notes.

“It is quite possible that the longer trend toward fewer people marrying will reassert itself. But as a likely success story for those who do wed, and as an anchor for American family life, marriage looks like it’s coming back,” Wilcox continues.
One factor behind marriage’s resilience is changes in family care. The amount of time that American fathers spend on child care increased from 2.5 hours a week in 1965 to nine hours in 2024, according to the Pew Research Center and the American Time Use Survey. Over this same period, the share of time spent on child care by dads rose from 25 to 62 percent of what moms provided.

“There is no single model for a good marriage in the U.S. today, and most couples have their struggles,” Wilcox continues. “Men still do less child care and housework, and disagreements over the division of household labor are a source of tension for some couples.”

“But on the whole, marriage confers benefits to women and men alike,” Wilcox writes. Married people live longer, are more financially secure, and build more wealth than single Americans.

🎨: Ben Hickey

18/11/2025

I'm a psychologist who studies couples. Here's the No. 1 thing that keeps relationships strong—more than love. Find the link in the comments. ⬇️