02/01/2026
Sounding Board Saturday
Each Saturday I’ll share a question or theme that reflects something I see come up often in my professional work with families. Sometimes it will come from conversations I’ve had during the week, sometimes from patterns I notice online, and sometimes from questions parents are quietly holding but not always voicing.
This isn’t about advice, debate, or telling anyone what to do. It’s a space for thoughtful reflection and gentle perspective, offered as a sounding board rather than a solution. Even when no one comments, I’ll respond to the theme itself, as these questions often sit with many families at once.
Today's question:
We are noticing an increase in challenging behaviour from our four year old, including swearing, hitting, and not listening. My partner and I are responding differently. One of us leans toward emotional support and understanding, while the other believes firmer consequences such as time out are needed. This difference is creating conflict in our relationship and in our parenting, and we are seeking information about the most helpful way to approach this.
The Baby Calmer's Response:
From what I’ve noticed in my professional work, behaviour like swearing, hitting, and not listening is usually a sign that a child is overwhelmed rather than being deliberately “naughty”. And at age four, children still need to borrow our nervous system to regulate, as they don’t yet have the capacity to regulate themselves when big feelings hit.
Research informs us that time out does not actually support nervous system regulation or teach a child what to do instead. It might stop behaviour in the moment, but often all it really teaches is isolation. When things are too much, the child is sent away because others cannot cope with them or be with them. The message can quietly become, when I am overwhelmed, I am on my own. For me, that does not teach regulation or skills, and it does not help a child learn how to regulate themselves or understand what is going on inside them.
I also think it is worth naming that parents usually respond in the way that matches their own capacity in that moment and in the way that feels safest for them. We all parent through our own nervous systems, histories, and triggers, whether we realise it or not.
Sometimes approaches like time out are not about punishment so much as a parent needing distance because they are overwhelmed, or because closeness in big emotional moments was not safe or modelled for them growing up.
Alongside this, I often notice in my professional work that children show us what is happening in the family or relational field through their behaviour. So much of what comes out as swearing, hitting, or not listening can be an expression of tension, stress, disconnection, or misattunement in the relationships around them, rather than something that sits solely within the child. Children are incredibly sensitive to what is happening between the adults who care for them, even when nothing is said out loud.
When behaviour is understood in this way, the question can gently shift from “how do we stop this?” to “what might this child be responding to or carrying for the family right now?”. That perspective has often felt far more useful to me than focusing only on consequences or correction, not as a matter of blame, but as an invitation to notice what might be asking for attention when it feels possible to look a little deeper.
That is why I lean more toward a time in approach. This involves staying close, supporting co-regulation, and once emotional space is available, naming what is happening, for example “you are really angry right now”, holding the boundary clearly, such as “I will not let you hit”, and helping children regulate first. That does not mean no boundaries or no natural consequences. The boundary still stands and it is held with connection rather than separation.
In my professional experience, real change comes from helping children regulate their bodies first, then talking things through and practising better ways once everyone is regulated. It is slower, and it does not always look effective straight away, but it seems to build something deeper over time.
