Notes From My Journal

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Notes From My Journal

Insights of self-discovery from the personal journals of healer Nic Ruggero. Products and services soon to be announced!

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30/08/2021

I feel like most of the entries/posts on this page should come with the most obvious of caveats: "easier said than done". This rings true especially for this post. Idolising the sentiment is damn close to useless and perhaps even harmful when used in a way that lends to spiritual bypassing. It is easy to see how one can just utilise a message like this and deny the existence of parts of themselves that are screaming for attention.
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With that said, 'here' is where we can gather (or at least attempt together) ourselves and concentrate the totality of our focus and attention on what is presenting itself in front of us. That is a very powerful platform from which we can orient ourselves towards life and indeed the situation at hand.
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Our modern world incessantly encourages us to be anywhere other than here, and so our attention and power is left to the transient movement of moods, flickers, fads, likes, images etc. Even with our feet on the ground, it is rare that we find ourselves grounded and present in our interactions and the choices that come from them.

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23/08/2021

Although I was introduced to this concept somewhat early on my path, it is still something that I practice today. Growing up is such that we are unconsciously taught to completely identify with the movements of our mind, thus taking each thought to be true.
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It seems completely outlandish and even taboo to push back against or question the validity of the thoughts that arise in our minds. There is however, terrific power inherent in doing this.
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It is important to note that there is a distinction between suppressing and ignoring, and consciously choosing which thoughts to engage with. That is why I use the word suggestion in the entry - because it entails you have acknowledged the thought and evaluated it's content - rather than attempting to suppress it, or completely turn the other way.
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Power lies in choice.
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16/08/2021

...for it is only in this moment of acceptance that you can surrender to what is, and ultimately change. You cannot heal what you do not see, what you do not accept, or what you shone away as not yourself.

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This entry really reminds me of a Jung quote: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” The first step involved in walking toward ourselves to take a look at what is really going on beneath the surface is accepting where it is we find ourselves.

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Too often we put on bravado in hope of fooling others (and ourselves) into thinking we are in a perfect spot, for there is so much pressure on ourselves in today's world to be perfect. Say or stray one word out of line of what is deemed morally correct and you have instantly become not only wrong, but somehow horrible. In this way, we can see how denial is subconsciously encouraged should we stumble.

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Accept where you are, and know that change is possible.

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09/08/2021

Designing this logo was somewhat of a synchronistic event. I have always found synchronicity to be one of those things that is a neither here nor there phenomenon - a 'make what you will' of it type thing. Symbolism, however, has always grasped me on levels that hold my attention like no other. I do believe the deeper truths of life are best told through myth and story, and symbolism is just another vehicle for that art, or at least a significant element of it.

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I won't go too deep into the elements of the logo itself, suffice to say that each detail holds its own significance and importance - including the black and white colour scheme. From a surface viewing, one may actually be able to quite accurately see where my main influences have come from, or hopefully, even spur someone on to search further for themselves. If you have any questions behind the logo, please don't hesitate to ask.

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Make of it what you will, and it is in my hope that you find something within it that may provide an impetus for you to strive towards that which you are aiming for.

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In other news, I am setting up the foundations of what will become my new direction for my website and IG account pertaining to the business side of things. I have been notably quiet here for sometime as life outside of this account has called for alot of my attention.

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As always, thanks for the support x

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nicruggero.com

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02/08/2021

... for that's exactly what they are: thoughts, stories and imagination: ineffable movements of mind with no solid grounding in reality. Uncovering this insight for me triggered a grieving process of sorts - knowing that so much of my suffering was in fact unnecessary, and existed only in imagination.

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The natural progression of things then moved me to question "Who am I"? - a question common amongst many schools of philosophy, religion and spirituality. Though I have no real solid answer to this question, I can say with some confidence that the "I" I take myself to be seems to be forever changing - each with it's own story, qualities and worldview.

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Grasping my identity from transient images is no fun game, and lead me into a lot of strife. I was forever caught in a game of creating favourite selves, and lamenting their inevitable departure - continually playing a game of catch up or "how do I get back there"?

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Acceptance is the key.

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nicruggero.com

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26/07/2021

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When I was writing this entry, I was not writing it with the aggressive delivery of an Army drill sergeant - but rather as a vital insight to take deep into my being; one to practice as much as I could, whenever the situation called for it. So what exactly was called for?

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Remaining vigilant described the act of remaining aware and observant of the mind without getting sucked into its movements 100% of the time. My mind is as all minds are - they separate, judge, condemn, applaud, discern, approve, reject amongst a host of other functions. Trouble was found when there existed no space between these functions and my idea of "me". You see, a situation could prompt my mind to assert that "I was unworthy" or "I am going to fail", and I would instantly draw my identity from these assertions - without question or examination. This is just a minute example of the myriad ways in which I was velcroed to the whimsical movements of my mind.

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This, however, presented a pleasant problem: I cannot be both that which I see (thoughts), and that which sees them. This insight however, remained dilute and weak when not married with the vigilance to carry it out. If I were to succumb, without pause or reflection, to each and every one of the mind's demands, then I was to remain asleep and enslaved: sleepwalking through life.

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nicruggero.com

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21/06/2021

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Certain forms of what is dubbed 'spirituality' is a funny old game to me. I spent a lot of time in what was essentially a perpetual state of wishful thinking, which I somehow reconciled as useful, so long as it was deemed spiritual practice. Repetitive, positive thinking may have its place for some folks, but when the rubber hits the road, there was/is no way for me/us to think away depression, anxiety etc.
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Life can easily flow away from us, as we stay put firmly in the same spot internally and externally, all the while remaining transfixed on the dreams in our minds - dreams which contrast drastically to the reality that is presented to us, day in and day out.
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In order for me to have made any progress toward a life I wanted to live, or an internal state I wanted to hold, I first had to close the gap between where I knew myself to be, and where I wished I was. That meant, I had to take the courage to be honest with myself and where I found myself, at any given moment.
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Once I knew where I was, I could at least orient myself toward a direction I felt I needed to head.
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"'If a man knows not to which port he sails, no wind is favourable." - Seneca
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14/06/2021

This was a hard one to come by for me, because it takes a great deal of self-awareness to both see it, and understand the ways in which I was doing it. Even when I was listening to and observing others in conversation, I witnessed that the majority of what I observed was a series of reactions, sprung forth from the unconscious, and almost always, in some way, self-referential.

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This isn't to say that it is a malicious act - in fact, I believe most of it comes from a desire to connect and relate to others. But in doing so from an unaware, unconscious level, there is very little connection happening, albeit apart from a very shallow form.

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The ability to be able to truly listen to another is a rare gift. What I have found is that by purely and sincerely listening to others, this listening mitigates the need to come back with the 'perfect' response in which we think they want or need to hear. Communication then becomes a deep, creative act.

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07/06/2021

Who would have thought that I would be doing another entry whilst mid lockdown (this is lockdown number four)? As this is the case, I figured this entry may provide some fuel to those going through something similar.

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There came a time where I viewed myself only as curable from an external source. If I were to look at the energy behind my actions and behaviour, it explicitly showed how I felt I needed an external agent to make everything better.

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This was shown in obviously explicit ways, but also in subtler ways and behaviours that went unnoticed as they became second nature. Forever looking up articles, books, podcasts, videos that both affirmed my believed ailment (be it mental/spiritual etc), and espoused some sort of promise that things can and will get better.

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These are all fine in so far as they can provide the initial spark or intuition that may help you go out and sincerely make an attempt at authentic change and healing, but all so often (as was my case) they become a crotch that act as nothing more than a transient dopaminergic bandaid.

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There are of course times where external help is needed and very much so encouraged - but even then - the true shift comes from within, when agency is fully embraced, and victimhood shunned.

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nicruggero.com

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17/05/2021

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At some point I realised that a lot of blame and responsibility for the way(s) I was feeling was put on the past: people, events and situations. 'They' were the reason why I was feeling this way. How could I heal if responsibility lied in what wasn't here anymore?
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It occurred to me that I needed to take full ownership, and thus full power back. Even if it were the case that an incident in the past had a significant influence on my internal wounds - it did me no good to inject full responsibility, and in turn full opportunity of healing, directly into an event that now no longer existed.
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When fear and doubt, shame and guilt arise, they arise NOW - here. The mind will forever associate them with the past, and with reason - but the feelings and emotions are felt in the present moment - in the absence of past experiences occurring.
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By slowly melting away the connections regarding responsibility associated with my feelings, I discovered I could tend to them as they presented themselves - giving me every opportunity to heal and discover the true power behind total ownership of one's life.
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I again, implore working with a trusted therapist to help discover the internal tools that may assist us greatly when it comes to coming to terms and working with traumatic past events.
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10/05/2021

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A central theme throughout my journal, this excerpt is perhaps the one that most warrants a caveat. There are of course situations where we need to fight against what we are experiencing - moments of self defence, taking medicine to treat acute illnesses etc. This excerpt is not referring to these experiences.
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It is however, a small testament to the saying "What you resist, persists". Wherever I found myself internally, whatever sensations may be present, if I seek to push my experience away, either through escaping, avoiding, suppression etc, - I inevitably feed the very thing I am fighting against. This is suffering.
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The pain itself, free from labels and definitions, is just an energetic expression. Adherence to the commentary and stories my mind tells me about the pain, is suffering. Trying unconsciously, and mercilessly to rid myself from that felt sensation, is suffering.
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Often, I found that the pain was holding gifts of real worth. Could I then, as an act of courageous acceptance and love, feel into the pain, and perhaps hear what it had to tell me - could I hear its story? Here again, is where my meditative practices really helped. These practices allowed me to watch the rise and fall of each sensation without getting swept away in total identity with it. In these moments of clarity, I was not the pain - I was the observer, the screen on which the pain was projected.
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Uncovering what each sensation was offering me allowed me the choice to either walk hand in hand with their story, or allow them to pass through as temporary visitors with gifts to share.
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03/05/2021

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When saying this, I am not imposing a strict line of behaviour upon myself. There is no abstract standard I am holding myself to when watching my intentions and motivations (though this can be useful when I think my actions may hurt another).
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I also preface the excerpt by saying "as best you can..". Along this road, time and time again I have come to realise that there are certain unconscious patterns, stories and programs that I am unaware of, until the time comes where either I am ready to discover them, or they rear their ugly head. This is no different when regarding my intentions and motivations - I sometimes do not know where they are coming from, why they are such a pushing force behind my decisions.
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If I take a step back, and soberly take a look at what is going on within, I can see why certain decisions are made, why certain actions are chosen. Be it personal gain, or to favour the respect of another, the intentions behind each and every one of my choices presents a remarkable opportunity for growth and understanding. Even if I am not clear on my hidden modus operandi, watching my intentions will provide for me an invitation to uncover the stories and beliefs that hide behind their presence.
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Becoming conscious of these beliefs and stories provides the power to choose otherwise - to become conscious, and in a certain way - free. -
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Nic Ruggero

My story is one of transition and transmutation. Not so much from darkness to light - but from fracture to integration. From grey to colour.

Depression, anxiety and general discontent lead me to deeply examine and question myself. It lead me to different teachers, religions, philosophies and teachings. I emerged with qualifications in various healing arts and a thirst for inner work and development.

www.nicruggero.com

@notesfrommyjournal