Right Relationship

13/07/2024

New blog post!

If want to fight well it’s useful to understand some basic neuroscience about our nervous system’s tendency to prioritise survival over relationships.

02/04/2024

Autumn equinox newsletter -

1. Happy (belated) greetings of the Autumn equinox! I am writing this newsletter from Yaegl country on the NSW central coast, where I've just finished a five-day bushcraft, survival skills, and nature connection retreat with the crew from Nature Philosophy. Rather than the typical "man against natur...

25/03/2024

https://rightrelationship.com.au/turning-relationship-conflict-into-relationship-gold/

If there’s one thing people most dread in relationships, it’s conflict. We avoid conflict or treat it as a hallmark of a dysfunctional or failing relationship. It’s understandable why we might have…

07/03/2024

Whenever there is relationship conflict or rupture, repair at the earliest possible opportunity.

Ruptures that linger for days will fester like an untreated wound.

Un-repaired conflict works its way in to your long-term memory and colours how you view the relationship and will accumulate into a list of hurts and wounds.

You will come to believe that conflict and rupture define the relationship.

Repairing as soon as possible prevents long-term memories of conflict forming. It's also easier as it feels like less of a gulf separating you from your partner needing to be closed.

04/03/2024

Being ATTUNEd means:

AWARENESS of emotions: you acknowledge each other’s emotions and look to "see" them. Without "seeing" an emotion you can't turn towards it.

TURNING towards emotions: In short, this means talking about it! You show that not only do they see your partner's emotion, you care about it too.

TOLERANCE of emotions: this means accepting that this is how your partner feels and that it's their reality (even if your own reality differs). It doesn't mean taking on their emotion but acknowledging that it's their experience.

UNDERSTANDING emotions: this trying to figure out *why* your partner feels the way they do. Instead of trying to correct them, provide advice or change their feelings, enquire as to what's happening underneath the feeling.

NONDEFENSIVE to emotions: this means not reacting, not becoming defensive or lashing out. If you really need to respond, ask first.

EMPATHY to emotion: means truly understanding your partner's emotions. If you've followed the previous steps there's a good chance you're already feeling empathy. Empathy is tenderness towards the emotion.

13/02/2024

Security and safety in relationship can be boiled down to the formula COIL + C

Compassion: I experience compassion for myself and others.

Openness: I am open to new experiences. I am open to other people. My boundaries don't feel rigid or over-protective.

Integrity: There is consistency between my thoughts, feelings and behaviours. My values feel aligned. There is a sense of flow.

Love: I can give and receive love freely.

Curiosity: I approach the world, myself and other people with a sense of curiosity and play.

Reflect on a relationship that you feel secure in. It doesn't necessarily need to be a romantic relationship. Where do you experience these qualities?

09/02/2024

New relationship energy (NRE). We've probably all felt it.

Too many people chase the feeling of NRE, leaping from relationship to relationship once the NRE fades.

Other people jump in to a relationship too soon, carried away by the feeling of NRE.

The mistake in both cases is confusing attraction for love.

When NRE is present we don't make great decisions about our needs. Our bodies are flushed with hormones that have more control over our choices than our rational selves. We're crazy with chemicals and believe that it's love!

People who continually chase NRE miss out on the deep personal growth that comes from committing to and building a secure and lasting relationship (don't confuse this as an argument for monogamy- it's not).

People who leap in too soon are at risk of entering toxic, dangerous or unfulfilling relationships and then finding themselves stuck because the attachment system has kicked in and it feels too hard to leave.

In practice, it's good to realise how your hormones influence your decision-making about relationships.

Don't make decisions on just how good it feels but also on other factors such as whether your partner can meet enough of your needs, emotional maturity, shared interests and values, mutual commitment and so forth.

Once the NRE fades, this is what you will be left with.

07/02/2024

Fighting well means putting a red line through any conflict that breaks the relationship's foundations of trust, security and safety.

Relationships ruptures that occur because one or both partners 'acted out' take longer to repair, because not only must the conflict be processed, the trust and security lost because of acting out must also be rebuilt.

Acting out can be used as a way of derailing the conflict or manipulating the situation to 'win' the argument. Either way, nobody wins from this.

In the long-term, acting out will exhaust both partners. It will create resentment and make repair seem like an undesirable outcome (knowing that big ruptures are likely to happen again). It will make the relationship bubble seem like an unsafe place to be in, which is a hallmark of relationship breakdown.

06/02/2024

Ideally we should be our partner's whisperers.

We know what makes them tick, we know their strengths, fears and vulnerabilities. And we support their strengths and protect their fears and vulnerabilities.

Having someone reveal those vulnerabilities bestows a sacred responsibility.

Never, ever exploit them. A quick way to destroy trust and security in a relationship is to use your partner's weak spots against them.

And make it a non-negotiable line in the sand that you will not accept this from each other.

31/01/2024

Attachment is more than human relationships. Attachment is all relationships, whether they to be our pets, our planet, our communities or our cultures.

We will tend to feel more secure in some domains than in others.

Identifying the domains where we feel secure and where we feel less secure can help us heal, grow and feel more deeply connected to the world around us.

In which attachment domains do you feel secure and where do you feel less secure?

30/01/2024

This ritual can take the 🔥🔥🔥 out of any tense situation.

Best not to use it during conflict or repair scenarios but as a means of de-escalating the energy while doing joint activities that produce stress.

Make sure that you play music that is FUN to dance to! 🕺💃💃🕺