23/04/2026
What does forgiveness mean to you? I always thought it was about forgiving the other, until I learned it's way more than that. I did a radical forgiveness process years ago and learned so much from it, starting with forgiving myself... It turns out self-forgiveness is a practice that keeps on giving.
I’ve shared this before, and I’ll continue to share it because it challenges a deeply ingrained belief that forgiveness is not necessary for healing.
Monsters—those who harm, abuse, and traumatize—want you to forgive. They want you to "let it go," to move on, because that lets them carry on as if nothing happened. They remain protected by the idea of forgiveness, often without consequence, cleared of wrongdoing, and free to repeat their actions. When forgiveness is pushed on victims, especially on children who may not even understand what it means, it doesn’t heal the victim... it protects the perpetrator.
Ask yourself: where and by whom is the concept of forgiveness most promoted? Who truly benefits from this expectation?
What some call forgiveness, I call acceptance. And acceptance was hard won. I don’t need to forgive the ones who hurt me, but I do need to accept what happened and, more importantly, accept and forgive myself. That’s where healing begins. And for me, it’s how I’ve been able to move forward, through Rabbit & Bear, through years of therapy, through twists and turns I didn’t expect.
The idea of forgive but don’t forget has always felt like a contradiction to me. It feels like holding on to resentment. To truly forgive, in my mind, would mean to erase the harm as though it never happened... and for some of us, especially in cases of trauma, that’s not possible. But here’s the truth: it’s not necessary either. Acceptance is enough. Forgive yourself, if you can, for the things you didn’t know, for the way you coped in the past. But beyond that, you don’t owe anyone forgiveness.
Let survivors of trauma and abuse find their own path to healing. Don’t push the notion that forgiveness is required for them to heal or not be "bitter." Healing isn’t about satisfying the expectations of others; it’s about creating space for the survivor to feel, to grieve, and to speak their truth. If you can’t offer that safe, non-judgmental space, step aside and let someone who can.
Forgiveness is not the only way forward. Sometimes, it’s not the way forward at all.
Healing is about the victim’s journey—not yours. There are other ways to heal that may be even more profound than the act of forgiving someone who has harmed you. Acceptance of yourself, accepting that you survived, that you were not to blame, and forgiving yourself for what you didn’t know or couldn’t control—that is the healing that matters.
In the case of trauma, especially childhood trauma, the only one deserving of your forgiveness is you. You did the best you could with what you knew. It wasn’t your fault.
To anyone on this path—my heart is with you. Healing is yours to define, and acceptance might be the most powerful step you take. ❤️
P.S. I want to gently remind everyone that we all come from different backgrounds and beliefs, including religion or spirituality, and not everyone shares the same perspective. That’s perfectly okay. It’s important to be respectful of those differences, especially in spaces like this one, where people may be on very different journeys. Let’s continue to hold space for one another with kindness and understanding. ❤️
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"Forgiveness is not a necessary part of the healing process." said Bear. "It's only necessary that you heal in your way and in your own time."
©Tara Shannon
