11/02/2026
CONNECTION IS NOT A LEGAL CONCEPT
โConnection is not a legal concept. Itโs a relational one, built in lived experience, paced by safety, consistency, and repair.โ
In the world of Family Court, families often enter a system designed to determine orders, allocate responsibility, and manage risk. It is a conflictual space by nature. Even with the best intentions, the process can amplify threat, defensiveness, and rigidity. Parents who once shared a home can become positioned as opponents, with communication reduced to allegations, evidence, and outcomes. Strengths and goodwill are rarely the headline. The system has to weigh harm, assess safety, and make decisions, which means families can feel defined by their worst moments rather than their best ones (House of Representatives Standing Committee on Social Policy and Legal Affairs, 2024; Australian Institute of Family Studies [AIFS], 2016).
And then comes the child.
Children can become the emotional centre of an adult battle they never chose. They may be carrying what they have witnessed, what they have been told, what they have lost, and what they have missed out on. We know that ongoing inter-parental conflict is strongly associated with poorer child wellbeing outcomes, particularly when it is chronic, intense, or linked with fear and instability (Baxter et al., 2011, as cited in Australian Psychological Society, 2018; Lange et al., 2021). When children are exposed to high conflict, their stress responses can become organised around protection rather than connection, which can shape how safe it feels to trust, relax, and relate (Lange et al., 2021).
This is where Reportable Family Therapy sits, and it is very different to legal decision-making.
WHAT A REPORTABLE FAMILY THERAPIST IS HERE TO DO
A Reportable Family Therapist is typically asked to step into a family system that is polarised, fearful, and often stuck. The role is not to decide who is right. It is not to prosecute a narrative. It is to provide a structured, child-focused therapeutic process that:
Prioritises safety and emotional wellbeing for the child or children (Family Court of Western Australia, 2025; Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia, 2024).
Assesses relational patterns in real time, including how conflict shows up, how adults respond to distress, and what the child experiences.
Builds the conditions for reconnection where appropriate, through paced contact, predictable routines, and repair.
Supports co-parents to shift from adversarial positioning to a workable parenting alliance, even if they will never be friends.
Reports to the referring body (where required) on engagement, progress, barriers, and therapeutic observations, while holding professional boundaries and ethical responsibilities.
In other words, the Court deals in orders. Therapy deals in lived experience.
WHY โCONNECTIONโ DOESNโT RESPOND TO LEGAL PRESSURE
Courts can order time, communication channels, supervised changeovers, and conditions. But they cannot order a childโs nervous system to feel safe.
A parent can be legally recognised and still feel emotionally distant to a child. A child can comply with time arrangements and still be guarded, shut down, or distressed. This is not defiance. It is often a nervous system doing its job.
Relational safety is built through repeated, responsive interactions over time. Developmental science describes connection as โserve and returnโ, the back-and-forth exchanges that shape attachment and healthy development (Center on the Developing Child, Harvard University, n.d.). When interactions are inconsistent or absent, a child may struggle to build a stable expectation that an adult will be emotionally available when needed (Ali et al., 2021).
So when I am asked to repair a parent-child relationship, this is the anchor I return to:
Connection is not a legal concept. Itโs a relational one, built in lived experience, paced by safety, consistency, and repair.
WHERE REPORTABLE FAMILY THERAPY OFTEN BEGINS
It often begins with two parents facing opposite ways, and a child (or children) in the middle.
One parent may be carrying grief, anger, and a sense of injustice. The other may be carrying fear, exhaustion, or deep distrust. Both may feel unheard by the system. Both may have evidence. Both may have pain.
The child may be carrying something else entirely: confusion, loyalty binds, hypervigilance, guilt, emotional shutdown, or a learned belief that closeness is risky.
In these moments, the therapeutic work is not to force closeness. It is to stabilise the environment around the child, reduce the relational threat, and rebuild predictability. High conflict is not just โstressfulโ; it is a known risk factor for childrenโs mental health and adjustment (Australian Psychological Society, 2018; Lange et al., 2021). This is why the pace matters, and why safety is not negotiable.
THE PRACTICAL PATHWAY: SAFETY, CONSISTENCY, REPAIR
In Reportable Family Therapy, progress is usually made through small, steady shifts rather than dramatic breakthroughs:
Safety
We start by reducing what escalates. We focus on emotionally safe interactions and clear boundaries. Where family violence risks or allegations exist, family law processes require notification and careful risk management, and therapeutic work must align with safety principles (Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia, 2024; Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia, 2024 Family Violence Best Practice Principles).
Consistency
Children build trust through repetition. Predictable routines, reliable responses, and stable expectations are far more therapeutic than occasional intensity (Ali et al., 2021; Center on the Developing Child, Harvard University, n.d.).
Repair
Repair is the process of making relational mistakes survivable. It teaches a child that ruptures can be named, owned, and healed. Repair requires adult capacity: accountability, emotional regulation, and the ability to place the childโs experience at the centre, even when it is uncomfortable.
This is also where co-parent work matters. Even when parents cannot agree on the past, we can work towards enough shared commitment to the childโs wellbeing in the present. AIFS research highlights the complex drivers of parenting disputes and how conflict patterns can become entrenched without skilled support (AIFS, 2016).
A DIFFERENT MEASURE OF โSUCCESSโ
In the adversarial world, success can be measured by who โwinsโ a point. In family therapy, success is measured by what becomes safer, steadier, and more workable for the child.
Sometimes that means a repaired relationship. Sometimes it means a paced relationship. Sometimes it means an accepted limitation with protective boundaries. The goal is not to manufacture a happy ending. The goal is to reduce harm and increase relational safety.
Because at the end of the day, connection isnโt created by legal language.
Itโs created when a child experiences an adult as safe, consistent, and able to repair.
REFERENCES (APA 7TH)
Ali, E., Letourneau, N., & Benzies, K. (2021). Parent-child attachment: A principle-based concept analysis. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 18(9), 4442.
Australian Institute of Family Studies. (2016). Understanding parenting disputes after separation.
Australian Psychological Society. (2018). Childrenโs wellbeing after parental separation. InPsych.
Center on the Developing Child, Harvard University. (n.d.). Serve and return: Back-and-forth exchanges.
Family Court of Western Australia. (2025). Best interests of the child.
Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia. (2024). Children: Overview.
Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia. (2024). Family Violence Best Practice Principles.
House of Representatives Standing Committee on Social Policy and Legal Affairs. (2024). The family law system: Barriers to safety and fairness for victim-survivors (Chapter 3).
Lange, A. M. C., et al. (2021). Parental conflicts and posttraumatic stress of children and adolescents: A systematic review. (Published in peer-reviewed literature).
