When I Die

14/03/2024

“Not success. Not growth. Not happiness. The cradle of your love of life … is death.” Stephen Jenkinson

How do you feel when you talk about death?
Maybe you don't like talking about it. Maybe you think about death often. Or maybe these two parts represent pieces of you that are intertwined. Sometimes you look closer, sometimes you look away.

On April 7, 2024, we will talk about death, taking with us the fact that we are all impermanent.

Death Cafe is an opportunity for sharing about death to take place in an open, welcoming and respectful space, where everyone can express their views safely and without fear of judgment.
It is not for people who, for whatever reason, are unable to discuss death in a comfortable and open way.
Death Cafe is not a grief circle or a therapy group.

To book a place please contact Berna at the email address below:

poljakberna@gmail.com

About me:

I received my first Death Doula training in 2018 after moving to Australia and have been working as a Death and Grief Doula since then. I'm an author, podcaster, Australian Outreach Coordinator of the movie The Last Ecstatic Days and founding director of Wisdom of Grief and Death Platform in Turkey. I wholeheartedly believe that death and grief are not medical events but a process that needs community support. My intention in serving in this field is to strengthen our individual and collective skills around death & grief and to be able to take a step towards discovering /creating communities where we are most isolated, lonely and stuck.
https://www.bernapoljak.com/short-bio.html

19/01/2024

The Last Ecstatic Days reminds us that we have forgotten how to die. Aditi and Ethan can help us remember.

If you have time, please join our VIRTUAL screening + discussion on 18th of Feb. To register:
https://givebutter.com/screeningwithberna

16/01/2024

I'm deeply honored to be invited to screen ''The Last Ecstatic Days'' in Australia first time, with a short discussion afterwards.

If you have time, please join our VIRTUAL screening + discussion on 18th of Feb and please feel free to start spreading the word...

Please follow the link for more details.

https://givebutter.com/screeningwithberna,

Synopsis:
Ethan Sisser, a young man with terminal brain cancer, sits alone in his hospital room. When he starts livestreaming his death journey on social media, thousands of people around the world join to celebrate his courage. Still, Ethan envisions more – to teach the world how to die without fear. To do that, he needs to film his death.
Honoring Ethan's wish, his doctor Aditi Sethi transports him to an idyllic house in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Asheville, North Carolina. What unfolds next is a story rarely glimpsed: how a community of strangers helps a young man die with grace.
A sensory immersion into leaving the body, “The Last Ecstatic Days” reveals a man who will not let us forget him – even after he’s taken his final breath.

25/11/2021

''The things I wish I had known earlier about grief

I have wanted to write about the things we said “we wish we had known earlier” so as to have a compass in our hands whenever we feel the need in our grief journey. I am sure there are many more than the ones mentioned here, or some experiences might have been stated briefly under a more extensive heading. If there are items you want to be added to the list, please feel free to leave a comment and so we will create a grief diary together. ''

I have wanted to write about the things we said “we wish we had known earlier” so as to have a compass in our hands whenever we feel the need in our grief journey.

20/08/2021

Since we have lost our eyes

''I am in grief; for my lack of understanding and skill about building a respectful relationship with the earth, for having no community, for the consequences of being brought up without the support of my community, for my efforts to be self-sufficient, the loneliness and exhaustion due to attempting to find my place in the universe using my intuition and the state of the world as a result of all of these.

Stephen Jenkinson says:

“ What modern Western people suffer from most is culture failure, amnesia of ancestry and deep family story, phantom or sham rites of passage, no instruction on how to live with each other or with the world around us or with our dead or with our history. The relentless pursuit of self-reliance and self-improvement is rooted in our lost connection to common stories, homeland and ancestors that bind and unite us. The times now demand that we recognize the world’s suffering in our own.”

https://hthayat.haberturk.com/since-we-have-lost-our-eyes-1077396

11/08/2021

Grief Dictatorship

''Is there such thing as the dictatorship of grief? Naturally there is. Let me explain.

There is an unwritten hierarchy of grieving in society. According to this hierarchy, it is possible to make a list of experiences deserving the most and the least grieving.If your grief is due to a death of your beloved one, you might think that you can generally find a place in the upper part of the list i.e. your grief is supported by the society; however, even it has sub conditions such as whether your beloved one is an animal or a human, whether s/he is still in your womb or your arms, whether s/he is old or young or whether s/he had “bad” habits............................

No matter what anyone says, remind yourself that your grief is real. And don’t forget that taking the ownership of your own grief you are deprived of is really a revolutionary act.''

https://hthayat.haberturk.com/grief-dictatorship-1077329

11/08/2021

Accompanied by Laments

'' “After you start learning about grieving, you don’t find yourself talking about it. You don’t analyse it. Instead, grieving becomes your way of talking, analysing, and seeing. Instead of grieving becoming your aim, it becomes your way to continue when you can’t move on.” Stephen Jenkinson, Die Wise.

Does it really happen? It does, if we don’t shoot the messenger i.e. your feelings. There are things that your feelings emerging in the grieving period will tell us about your broken hearts and sorrowful souls. Can we stay there until we hear the message? Since the emptiness around your heart wants to share what has been taken from your life and what your heart needs in order to be bundled up with trust and start to beat again. We enter in the process of grieving period with a question mark. We know nothing. We can only listen to the emptiness and solitude, and we can ask that emptiness: If you could talk, what would you tell me?

If these words echo in you, could you spare a few minutes? Close your eyes and focus only on your breath. Fill your lungs with the feelings you have now. How about breathing in one or a few feelings? Giving ourselves the opportunity to release this feeling and sitting in it. Releasing the feeling in you into the room, but its becoming a nutritious place where you can breathe afterwards. We can sit in it even if it surrounds you.

Open your eyes when you are ready and look at your need now. What does the emptiness tell you?''

Article
https://hthayat.haberturk.com/accompanied-by-laments-1077328

P.S. I am attaching one of my favourite laments here.

Seni Alırsa Fırtına

If the storm takes you away

Chant: Deyiş GörgülüFlûte: Marie PloquinViole d'amour: Isabelle EderRéalisé par Théo Petrignet Prod par TPProd et étalonnage par Clément Delhommais. Enregist...

24/06/2021

Grief, Death, Slowing down and “e”

''Stephen Jenkinson talks about the difference between the words “human” and “humane”. The same difference exists in Turkish, too. Human and humane are not the same in terms of meaning. In order to be humane, being a human is not adequate. That’s why, the word humane derived because of that. It emerged out of necessity. As a human, we have some needs like eating, drinking, and housing whereas other notions/needs are involved while defining something peculiar to human or worthy of humanity. Being listened to, seen, accepted with your joy as well as your sorrow, finding support when you are in trouble…All of them are in that little “e”.

That’s why, I care about rituals because they slow me/us down, and they stop me/us. A ritual also keeps space for the energy jammed in us. And because it helps me to have contact with wisdoms I am not aware that I have forgotten. What I mean by ritual is not tens of candles, full moon and White clothes. Even closing my eyes and listening to my breath for ten seconds could turn into a ritual. Trying to feel water in the glass I am holding and thinking about through what source and how the water reaches me could turn the act of drinking water I do tens of times every day without thinking into a ritual. A ritual gets me through life slowing me down, taking me out of the time I am used to.''

Our lives are fast. Sometimes we come across with unexpected situations and try to keep up with the speed in this fast pace upon encountering changes.

10/06/2021

''It is true that while mentioning grief, sorrow is talked about. Sorrow is the sharp blood-dripping part of the knife with two different tastes in two ends Grief uses while opening your heart, but it doesn’t consist of this only.

To me, Grief is a character misunderstood and not completely comprehended. It is alive. I want to talk about Grief for the ones who have never met it or whose acquaintance is reduced to “sorrow” level due to unfortunate reasons as this is an activity that needs to be done even that is too late to do.
.............................

While the conditions to attune to modern life depend on being rapid, performing multiple tasks at one time, and acting skillfully in time management and planning, the visit of Grief slows you down as it is impossible to listen deeply without slowing down.

When you slow down, if you let it, life flows in its purest condition from your broken heart. Like the taste of honey. It is called Gratitude. Like Grief, Gratitude is misunderstood. Gratitude practices in modern societies I have mentioned are automatic reflexes based on the fear of losing what we own. The real gratitude is feeling gratitude and appreciation of the flow of life- for better or worse- as it is, not only the things comforting us or the good things happening to us.

Grief and Gratitude are always together. There is Gratitude behind the veil of duly treated Grief.

For the ones who don’t slowdown, who don’t become companion with their grief or who don’t go into the depth of their hearts, every death they encounter afterwards come and visits the former deaths. After all is said and done, Grief is nothing but your dead ones’ protecting life.''

When you slow down, if you let it, life flows in its purest condition from your broken heart. Like the taste of honey.

27/05/2021

My last article about grief and life....

“How come we get mortgage with 10 or 20 years repayment (maybe longer) and risk living in debt for all that time and do not feel indebted to the living power inside us that we live in and through which we breathe?
....

In certain parts of Anatolia, the bride is made to cry on henna night (*). Although the reasons are various, in one of them it is argued that the girl leaving the family home is sad. The bride is made to cry so that she will live happily in her marriage. Henna is a vow. A vow is taken before the wedding and the bride is made to cry because it is believed to bring happiness afterwards.

We, as humanity, need a henna night. We need a henna night for all personal and world sorrow that we are not aware of, that we are aware of but we turn a blind eye to, that we pretend not to hear or we ignore, and that we normalize to avoid.”

We, as humanity, need a henna night. We need a henna night for all personal and world sorrow that we are not aware of, that we are aware of but we turn a blind eye to, that we pretend not to hear or we ignore, and that we normalize to avoid.

06/05/2021

''In a recent online interview I had, I came across a good question . That was the question:

“How do you continue a sentence beginning with to die?”

I pondered.

I said, “To die/ death exists” .

I believe that it is not a problem to complete a sentence beginning with to die, but it is difficult to live with the consequences of not thinking long and hard about how to live a life having death in its tissue.''

I believe that it is not a problem to complete a sentence beginning with to die, but it is difficult to live with the consequences of not thinking long and hard about how to live a life having death in its tissue.

28/04/2021

''Primarily, I want to express that I don’t approve of training being viewed only as a means of service for the ones who will do it as a profession. Isn’t death everywhere? In our era when death and grief have become taboo subjects, I think we need to be involved in these issues in our daily life to develop our skills related to death and grief we, sooner or later, encounter. What I mean is even if you have no intention of doing this job as a profession; its training has an appeal for everybody.''

My new article about being a death doula...

The term Doula originally came from ancient Greek and it means a helping (serving) woman. While its usage as birth doula has a more ancient history, the presence of it as Death Doula has a history of nearly a decade.

07/04/2021

GRIEF, SIBLING OF LOVE

''I can carry my love in my heart but my heart is too small for sorrow, sibling of love, and the unknowns in life. I want to entrust myself and all my loved ones to something greater than me. Whenever I remember our small but valuable existence in the universe, I can keep my focus on love itself. In an unconditional and unrequited way. My love won’t go anywhere and it will keep my loved ones alive as long as I am here. Even if they are dead.''

Loving a person means continuing living knowing that one day you might say goodbye to the person you love. Living knowing that you will die is really the biggest resistance. I don’t remember who said this but I cannot be the first one to say this. It is such a plain fact.

22/03/2021

Another article from me ; life, death, Palliative Care....

''I wonder how it feels to continue living knowing that one is going to die any time soon. Just think! While one continues her/his routines in a world where it is normally uncertain who will live how long, there, there are people who have been given ‘approximate’ time to live or; in other words, the ones whose life time could be estimated...
Hence, just think!
The nice person who gets angry with the driver who turns without signalling, with the child who doesn’t put away her/his toys or doesn’t do her/his homework, with the manager who overworks her/him, with her spouse who doesn’t help with the housework, with the friend who doesn’t call frequently…You be the judge of that…''

Comprehending something is beyond knowing that thing. It happens when you grip it and develop an inner awareness of all its aspects.

11/03/2021

''First of all, I did not write this article all by myself. It has been an article that has been shaped by the answers to my call “how would/do you want to be treated while you are grieving?” two weeks ago. I am deeply indebted to all who have accompanied to this article with their words and/or their hearts. Thanks.

Why this article? Because we know neither to grieve nor to treat someone who is grieving. We are grief illiterate.

How is someone in grief talked to? What does the person in grief have difficulty hearing? Would you like to learn?

You who are in grief would you perhaps like to share this with others while your needs are worded?

You might need to be careful with the following points while you are with someone in grief although grief is a process with many layers and which depends on the person.''

https://hthayat.haberturk.com/holding-the-griever-1076295

Why this article? Because we know neither to grieve nor to treat someone who is grieving. We are grief illiterate.

11/01/2021

''Because s/he knows that grieving is done living. Grief wants us to experience it. We do not grieve, grief keeps us. It absorbs us, wraps us up and gives birth to us again. They say that the mother feels the pain of birth, but it is not known what the baby goes through. We know grief when our mothers are pregnant with us. When we are in her, we feel that feeling of being stuck, we cannot move and get out. We hurt a lot during our birth. While going through the canal, our bones almost get broken, our skulls get squashed, and our hearts get squeezed. We, newly born, are born in something new in the same form. We become another species in human form. Grief does not go anywhere else. It becomes smaller and is placed in our hearts and becomes our guide. “Life” penetrates into our broken bones. We become fragile and graceful. We feel what treating life fairly is. We see that we should be fair towards life, not the other way around. We become smaller in the presence of the greatness of life, but we feel gratitude because we have one drop of it in our blood.''

Another article, this time about grief...

https://hthayat.haberturk.com/what-does-grief-want-from-us-1075839

In Palliative Care, I look at the list and repeat the names three times. I believe the first one touches my ears, the second my tissues and the third my bones