E L I N A creates - UGC, content creation and all things beauty

13/07/2022

One step at a time !

18/03/2022

08/11/2020

I feel like a failure tonight...

18/08/2020

My papa ❤️

He may be a man of few words. He may not say ILY easily, when he's sober.

I don't care. His actions speak a hundred times louder than any words.
I know my dad will go to war for me.
I know my dad will always have my back. He may judged me, yes. But he will always choose my side over anyone else.

I miss these quiet worry-free time...

Sometimes I really do miss being a kid! Adulthood sucks. No one prepared us for this Chaos...

12/07/2020

Sunday 12.07.20
[ Trigger Warning ]
On today's 'Therapy Sunday Sesh'...
Why should I lie about my past so I can feel accepted ? Am I really myself if I hide my truth ? Why do they want me to be ashamed ?
Why should I pretend I had a perfect childhood ? Why should I be blame ?
It wasn't my fault !.. I didn't ask for that to happen to me !
I am an in**st victim !
I am a pedophile's victim !
I am a sexual assault victim !
I am a childhood trauma survivor !
I am not just a victim. I am more than that !
❤ I AM A SURVIVOR ❤

I was barely 4 years old when he started to touch me where a child shouldn't be touched.
This went on for years, over 12 years of shame, guilt, fear and disguss.
I lived in Hell for over 12 years when all my friends werw having a perfect childhood...
This man was trusted by everyone.
He was 25 years older than me.
He married my sister when I was 3yo and was part of our family ever since.
No on ever suspected anything.
I had no one to protect me.
I had no one to go to.
I was alone in my shame.
I was lonely in my guilt.

Today, at the age of 25, I feel proud. I was so brave and I'm glad I didn't give up on life.
I deserve so much more.
I'm ready to be alive !

04/07/2020

Saturday 04.07.20
Easier to say...

29/06/2020

Monday 29.06.20
Today I'm feeling low. I'm pretty down. Don't ask me why. I have no idea like most of the time, it happens for no reasons...
I'm feeling down. I'm pretty low.
I wish I knew why so I can fix my mind...
My body is feeling hungry but my mind says No No you don't deserve any food today.
My body wants to go to work and be productive but my mind is like a silent thunderstorm.
I feel so distracted that I can't even think proeperly. I feel so distracted I get confused and unproductive.
My mind liks sabotaging my plans...
I want to go on a walk today !
My mind says It is not safe, It might rain, you're always gonna be fat anyway so what's the point, what if someone you know sees you, what if you have to talk to people....
AAAAAAH
Enough already ! Shut up !

How do I make Anxiety sit still and be quiet ?

16/06/2020

Wed 17.06.20
Yesterday I made a big step... I was strong enough to tell my supervisor at my new job what happened last week. I didn't go in details but at least she is aware of my mental health issues now. I felt so relieved when I told her and she took it better than what I was expected. She even told me she had done the CBT course and she would like to have me come to one of the support group session, disccusing about life tools and how to live a happier life. I felt like I was on the right path, this job didn't show up on my feed for no reason, I didn't meet Katy for no reason. I felt like it was destiny or even God that put her on my path. I'm very lucky to have such understanding boss and such a humane work place where it's okay to be me.
This morning I woke up with less stress about work. I'm feeling positive and optimistic for what is about to come with my new job, which I enjoy so much more. I feel needed and enough.
I think my sleep is getting better. I am less anxious as I don't wake up to outside sounds or noises as much as I used to. I'm feeling safer.
Today I am catching up with a friend who I haven't seen in while and I think I'm ready to share my story with her. .. Then, later today I will see Dr Lazzari, my new psychiatrist, and I don't even feel anxious.
I actually feel nothing. I just want to know what is wrong with me so I can fix it.