Mummagrizzlybear

24/09/2020

I saw this today and had to chuckle... As today the child I have used the 'F' word A LOT. At school 🙈
Now what has he taught me? What kind of person am I supposed to be when confronted with this kind of phone call!?
Once upon a time I certainly wouldn't have been brave enough to address this the way we did today. Because once upon a time, THAT kind of behaviour was part of a complex trauma response when he was, anxious, scared and otherwise out of control; undiagnosed, misunderstood and mistreated (by his previous school)... Dealing with swearing was never high on the priority list when keeping him from jumping from top floor windows or preventing him from cutting himself or hurting someone else was a daily ordeal.
But TODAY... He's safe. He attends a fabarooney setting with amazeballs staff and he's thriving. He has his diagnosis, his medication, his support network and he knows who he is and what makes him tick. He knows right from wrong and understands rules, much like he did way back then, but the difference is that I can now challenge those unwanted behaviours safe in the knowledge that we can weather the storm that might follow.
Rest assured we have firmly reminded him about the non negotiables; swearing at anyone, even when angry or stressed is not acceptable. We've issued a consequence for letting himself and us down. There was the expected fly off the handle rage as we 'hit him where it hurt' so to speak and took away his much valued gaming time. But do you know what followed? Eventually? Dialogue. Helpful, calm conversation. We've discussed expectations, the barriers, the possible alternative solutions and reaffirmed our motives for staying on top of this kind of thing. Because that child 'that I didn't think I'd have' is flippin ace. We're ace together. We've grown so ruddy much. We're resilient and strong and brave. Raising him has pushed me outside of every comfort zone. It helps me in ways I'll never be able to articulate. It's made me a better person. I'll celebrate him time and time again. Even when he messes up. Everytime we do, I'm refreshingly reminded to afford all children the space and chance to 'c**k up', to not be perfect, to make wrong decisions and perhaps behave like a child we didn't think we'd ever have! Each time they do; we all grow far wiser, healthier and more realistically balanced ⚖️

20/09/2020

We try to perceive 'meltdowns' as a form of panic attack... It was one of the best bits of advice we were given when babybear was at a peak of distress and frequently struggling with mainstream. This altered mindset on the trauma and distress allowed us, as parents to respond differently. If you 'see' a panic attack your calming response is triggered by empathy as the desire is to help soothe and regulate, whereas when I originally saw a meltdown my panic response was triggered by fear of the loss of control. When we as the adults panic, the meltdown can quickly become misinterpreted as either naughty or wilful or a reflection of bad parenting; none of which help to calm the storm.
From a place of empathy and compassion its far easier to not allow what others are thinking to bother you. You know that you are doing your very best for your youngster who needs you 💙
Thank you Autism Insights and The Contented Child, Child Wellbeing Consultancy for the reminder!

Autism and Overwhelm

Autism Insights

17/08/2020

Top tips as always from the and these tips can benefit families without autism also. has its own degrees of debilitation and some of these strategies will also prove helpful.

Our PDA'er can now manage direction and instruction far better. Perceived expectations still presents difficulty at times and anxiety can often lead to although this is often disguised as 'I don't fancy going' for example.

page is all about how we overcome the struggles and grow as a family despite the challenges. All too often PDA is presented so negatively, without hope, and some of the support forums used to drain me with the endless doom and gloom. Things can get better. Quality of relationship has always been the cornerstone for us to build upon. Trusting, collaborative relationships elicit the best results. In our household we refer to each other as a 'team'. 🐻

14/08/2020

https://mummagrizzlybear.wordpress.com/2020/08/14/a-human-crutch-to-help-him-come-out-the-other-side-of-dark-thoughts/?preview=true

*Trigger alert : please tread carefully, this post covers the topic of suicidal thoughts and actions.

The complexities of PDA and extreme intrusive thoughts can mean that some families struggle in a scary isolating world. If you are braving this post I assure you there are some positives to gain. 🐻

I have faith and it is my belief in him being able to successfully navigate his struggles one step at a time, which keeps him going (and me!)

05/07/2020

Having kept my tongue in my head throughout the pandemic for reasons I'm sure I'll reveal eventually, I have today stumbled back across this post. Babybear was turning 8; last week he hit 11 and I just wanted everyone to know that life really CAN move forwards. This post was all about PDA and receiving presents/surprises and I smile as I recall how hard I had to work to get it right back then. It's clearly second nature now; we cope without thinking about it but the tactics employed back then still very much work today.

he’d rather go without than be disappointed or let down in terms of his expectations not being met

22/04/2020

A ditty for this 'strange time'

5 weeks ago, if you had asked of me, a cynical question now it seems,
The things I'd accomplish, in lockdown, with the time given by quarantine?
I'd have listed the many tasks I often neglect or push aside,
Forgiven, because in our busy lives, time is rarely on our side.

I'd conquer the mountain of ironing that gathers every week,
And dust off all the skirting boards, and locate the missing things we seek.
We'd tidy all those 'crap' drawers, we'd file all important docs',
I'd finish the boys baby albums (yes I know they're 10 and 12 now) everything is waiting in their 'special' box!

I'd definitely clean the oven and replace those faulty lights,
We'd all be more productive and each exercise every night.
I'd sort through all the clothes that simply are never worn,
And tackle all the spider webs and get our vehicles sorn.

I'd use the time so wisely; sign up to an online course or two,
Even hand write all the rellies a note to say "I am thinking of you".
I'd teach the kids a life skill, some nights I might not have to cook?
We'd make the garden beautiful; a lovely space to read my book.

Each morning I'd kickstart my day with a run and then some weights,
Take time to plan a healthy treat to grace each of our plates.
To be certain to look after ones well-being I'd try to meditate,
I'd keep a structure in my life to avoid possibility of daily waking late.

I'd work out how to re-programme the heating that some days melts us,
We'd hoover behind sofas and not consider it a fuss.
I'd up-cycle fading furniture, I'd fix that fallen curtain,
I'd make an arty display of all the things I'm grateful for its certain!

The kids will be delighted as together we'll paint and bake,
They'll be barely time for 'gaming' with all the things that we will make.
A little home-learning will be a blessing in the end,
I'm sure more time together will find us all the best of friends!

5 weeks ago it's fair to say my head was up my arse,
I hadn't thought this through at all, it's really quite a farce.
Stay at home we've all been told, even better work there too!
Now you're parents, cooks and cleaners, and lastly teachers now, who knew!?

Our days pass by quite quickly; time moves at an odd pace,
If we all get through it without a fight there's a smug look upon my face.
I disappear each chance I get to find a missing bit of me,
Although I love them very much I need space from the family!

The chores and unfinished projects still wait upon a list,
We're prioritising sanity and functioning and contacting those we miss.
Socially distancing is easy if you expect it just for a short time,
I'll not kick myself for needing all the time for working on being fine!

It turns out what I've learnt so far about those undone tasks,
Is it wasn't time I needed, so what is it I still ask?
I guess I've learnt that I'm not a whiz at completing 'everything'
But I am dab hand at reflecting into rhyme and love the joy that brings.

17/04/2020

Tongue in cheek, please don't judge!

I actually cried as I pulled myself aside,
The fury I feel as Mr Lazy tries to take me for a ride!
No I won't do it for you, you stubborn little toad,
Your teachers must despair if this is their daily workload!

I'm trying hard to help you break down all the tasks,
Creatively presenting each dilemma as more questions you do ask.
I'm definitely no teacher; it's a job I'd clearly hate,
Tutoring the mini-me's is a cruel twist of fate.

I'm tiring of reading the 'take it easy' plights,
'Our kids are learning life skills' is such a load of sh*te!
If I'm not 'learning with them' they're plugged into a game,
I'm sure we're not the only ones but berate myself all the same.

Four weeks in, and you'd think we would have adjusted,
Each day I sneak an earlier Gin and hope I don't get busted!
I've relinquished any chance of being 'slimmer of the week',
Our comfort eating habits have really hit a peak!

We'll co-parent as we multi-task and together work-from-home,
We'll be grateful that we're safe inside and promise not to moan!
With 'extra time' at home I'm sure we'll get so much done?
Instead the jobs are mounting and the pressure is stopping us from having fun!

All those who find themselves having 'amazing family time',
Can quite frankly go and stick it where the sun don't shine!
If you're trying hard to juggle and share out the time on the laptops,
It's really not surprising how smug posts can drive you to a strop!

In time we'll find a way to take a well earned break,
We'll promise to ourselves to find time to even bake a cake.
To do all the fun things, to create memories that we'll treasure,
To love and laugh and play beyond all measure.

We might wake to realise that our family isn't a fairy-tale,
Our efforts may be squashed with the force of a howling gale.
Even when we're 'trying', we are likely to have to accept,
That we are c**king up sometimes; we're simply not perfect.

As the kids watch us fall apart and then magically rise again,
I'll remind them of the things that helped, like space, deep breaths and friends.
We're practicing, without much choice the art of resilience,
As we tolerate each other we're also working on our patience!

I hope in years to come, the kids will look back on all of this,
Recognising I tried to help with school work before I stayed in (on the p**s!)
You see, I really am a good mum, to worry like I am,
Each day they're fed and stimulated, I'm doing all I can!

I love the little buggers so much that it really weighs heavy,
But when lockdown time is over I hope the grand-parents are feeling ready!
A blow-out break from parenting is really on the cards,
Home-schooling and keeping everyone alive really has been hard!

05/04/2020

We're noticing an increase in expressed 'anxiety' (verbally he's telling us he won't go out) but also an increase in the less obvious sensory symptoms with our PDA'er. When the world is so chaotic each new day begins for Babybear like the 'shaken bottle of pop' and where things cannot be controlled by him, his tolerance becomes rattled and this seems to heighten his sensitivities. He's hearing noises to the extent that some scare him and some have been painful. When worked up, he says he feels hot, but he's not.
Many of us (without Autism) may also be experiencing some level of this dysregulation right now in these unprecedented circumstances. How we soothe ourselves is hugely important. As adults how we model this to all children is crucial. What works for you and your children? How do you help settle that bottle of pop so that things don't blow?

29/03/2020

We've been in for a week following the rules without avoidance! Tonight however we have survived the first meltdown in these circumstances. (The first meltdown in a LONG time for that matter!)

What I understood to be the trigger was a perceived injustice.

What I learnt after everything had calmed was that Babybear is scared. Understandably so.
That and the clocks have changed! We jest, but this is actually something that really throws him and his routine.

We have in all likelihood possibly used up our 'honeymoon period' of quarantine.

Tomorrow as Daddybear and I attempt to work from home again we'll hope that the boys will willingly use their schedule that they made and that demand avoidance will not over rule things. Another week of honeymoon home-learning would be lush! Especially as the following week I am on leave and can divert more of my attention to babybear's need for constant entertainment!

Right now we're resting. It takes it out of all of us. I'm reflecting over the mammoth steps we've taken in working through these setbacks. The very fact that babybear has been able to eventually self soothe and respond to support so that he could then articulate his anxieties is huge. We worked so hard to get to that.

Hardest part for me is knowing that I cannot take the 'scary' trigger away. What I CAN do is to help him reframe this and attach more helpful language to the presented issue. Just as we can all CHANGE the way we think which will help us all feel better. Special Parents of Special Kids worldwide need their of a support network more than ever.
We are not STUCK at home; we are SAFE at home.

29/03/2020

The Mummagrizzlybear 🐻 household has adjusted and we are practicing patience and thoughtfulness far more often as we attempt to all work from home. Babybear created his own fairly fluid schedule (he loves a routine) and has astounded me by how he has coped so far. Spoilt by our very large 'garden' we've found being outside to be hugely therapeutic and facetime calls have kept us connected. Anxiety still comes and goes.
❓What are you doing to keep yourselves well? ❓What boosted well-being in your home's this week?

15/03/2020

"the responsibility for change, starts with the adult first"
Reminds me that if I find myself at home with spare time anytime soon that this is one book I plan to re-read!



https://www.facebook.com/123708701041972/posts/2905968046149343/