27/04/2026
I’m a huge believer of distance healing and how potent it can be. Last nights session with Energy Nirvana Healing was a huge wake up call for me being totally called out without being called out and held safely at the same time.
Today I’ve sat and reflected about how I responded in that session, I’ve been able to unpack a little too which was beautiful. The two big questions that have popped up today. Have I really put myself in this position? How the f**k do I move beyond this?
So Let’s be real for a second.
Being the mum, the wife, the carer, the space holder, it doesn’t just get “a bit much.”
It gets to the point where your body is screaming and you’re still out here pretending you’re fine.
Not because you don’t love your people,
but because you’ve made yourself responsible for everything! Somewhere along the way, you disappeared.
And here’s the truth most people don’t have the guts to say 🙌
Surrender scares the absolute s**t out of me.
Because surrender means I’m not in control.
It means I can’t micromanage every outcome, every person, every moving piece.
It means being vulnerable enough to receive help 🙄 but also regulated enough in my own body to not feel like I’m about to be blindsided when I do.
And let’s be honest, my body doesn’t feel safe right now.
Flight mode is the only mode I have!!!!
That constant edge?
The constant looping of thoughts.
The constant I had a great sleep for 3 hours!!
That flight response firing like it’s got a full-time job.
Tight chest.
Shallow breath.
Clenched jaw.
Nausea that won’t go away.
Headaches that just sit there like background noise.
No focus at all.
And I’ve ignored it.
Because quite simply I’ve trained myself to do that.
Why Because there’s s**t to do, people to look after, roles to fill.
And carer fatigue?
That’s not “I’m a bit tired.”
That’s crippling.
That’s bone-deep exhaustion that sleep doesn’t fix. That’s resentment and disgust creeping in while you’re still showing up with a smile.
That’s feeling like I’m holding everyone else’s world together while mine is hanging on by a thread.
So what do I do?
I clamp down harder.
Control everything.
Plan everything.
Over-function like my life depends on it.
Because if I don’t, who the hell will?
But here’s the part that stings
That control I’m clinging to?
It’s the exact thing keeping my body stuck in survival.
And while I’m busy being everything for everyone else, my closest relationships are quietly taking the hit.
Not because I don’t love them, but because I’m not actually there.
I’m in my head.
In the pressure.
In the constant “just get through the day.”
I’m functioning, not connecting. Like a high functioning addict, I can do anything!!!
And eventually, life backs me into a corner where I don’t get to avoid it anymore.
Something has to give.
Not the cute self-care bulls**t.
Not the “light a candle and breathe”.
Not the “Be the light and spirit has a plan for you”. (I’m sure they f**king do but it won’t be lollipops and rainbows if I don’t do the work).
The real, confronting, “I’m about to break if I don’t change something”.
And here comes surrender…
Messy.
Uncomfortable as all f**k.
Stripping me of all the control I thought I needed to survive, Because now I have to let go.
Let people step up or don’t.
Let things fall where they fall.
Let myself not be the one holding it all together for once.
And my mind goes feral trying to stop the process and it hurts.
“What if everything falls apart?”
“What if they f**k it up?”
“What if I’m needed and I’m not there?”
But the real question underneath all of that is
“Who the hell am I if I’m not the one carrying everyone”?
And that’s the identity crisis no one prepares you for.
Because you’ve built your worth on being needed.
On being the strong one.
On being the one who can handle it all.
But here’s the reality check
Being needed is not the same as being valued.
And overgiving is not the same as being connected.
At some point, my body is forcing the surrender I keep resisting.
Burnout.
Breakdown.
Shutdown.
It will happen one way or another.
So I have to choose it or it will choose me.
People won’t understand my path.
They’ll question it.
They’ll judge it.
They’ll feel uncomfortable when I stop overextending for them.
But that’s not my job to manage.
I’m are not here to carry everyone else’s life at the expense of my own.
At some point, choosing myself isn’t selfish, it’s survival.
Because the version of me holding it all together?
She’s f**king exhausted.
And she’s not meant to live there forever.
I choose me 💜
Drop a comment below if this resonates 🙌💎
