16/05/2026
“A Little About the Past — Part 1”
The choices we make when we have no other choice are often the right choices. Only when we are broken enough that we can find the courage to leap into the unknown completely, with no holding back.
The first day I met my life mentor, Madhu, he only needed 20minutes to make me — who had been emotionally numb for so long — completely collapse. I cried, fell to the ground, and kept vomiting. Even though it was more than 10 years ago, I still remember what that vomit thing looked like. Fuzzy patches, like mushrooms or fungus.
After throwing up, I suddenly felt extremely clear. Not a mental clarity — but something that came from much deeper within. I would call it as intuition but my head didn’t understand what was that back then.
“This is him. This is right.”
My mind stopped. The whole world stopped too.
That was the first moment my soul starts awakening. June 2012.
ᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜᘜ
Life did not suddenly become smooth because of that decision.
The first 3 years of inner work were deeply uncomfortable. I was in a bad mood almost every day, often suddenly angry for no reason. There were times I wondered if I had taken the wrong path — why did more emotions appear the more I “cleared” myself?
Every day I had to do rebirthing, dreamwork, meditation, and other practices. Sometimes anxiety or rage would arise in the middle of the night, and I would get up again to walk through the process.
As I kept walking this path, there were moments I wanted to give up, yet somehow I always returned.
What needs to be faced cannot be escaped. It is not something solved by attending feel-good self-help courses or simply “changing your mindset” to become endlessly positive and happy. It is definitely not like that.
I had an incredibly disciplined and devoted mentor Madhu — unlike anyone I had ever met. Strict yet compassionate. So honest and transparent that I felt both completely & deeply humbled by him.
During the process of transformation, even my anger, stubbornness, and refusal to surrender to fate somehow became strengths — the very forces that pushed me forward to keep going on my inner journey.
As for why more emotions kept surfacing, why it felt like I could never fully emerge from the darkness: it was not because the methods were wrong. It was because those pains had already been buried deep inside me. These tools merely brought them to the surface so I could finally face and digest them again
If I had not dealt with them, honestly, I do not think I would still be alive today, considering how broken and fu**ed up I was back then.
But every wound is not meant to strengthen the ego or become another excuse to remain a victim. It is to help peeling off my defensive masks and return to something true and pure.
The goal is not to be happy every single day.
It is to know that even when I am unhappy, that is okay too — and I no longer judge myself for it.
It is not about having no emotions. It is about understanding that emotions themselves are not the problem. As long as I do not judge or hate myself for having them, there is far less inner conflicts.
(To be continued)
Meeka
1.5.26