05/14/2026
One of the most challenging moments in the playroom is when a child escalates—whether their energy intensifies, their behavior gets bigger, or the play itself becomes more aggressive.
And let’s be honest—it can feel scary.
💭 What if someone gets hurt?
💭 What if I lose control of the session?
💭 What do I do to make this stop?
The natural instinct for many play therapists is to shut it down—to try to calm the child, set firm boundaries, or regain control (....by the way, the same is true for many parents and caregivers out there).
But what if we reframed what’s really happening?
Escalation = A Loss of Connection to Self
When a child escalates, they aren’t just “acting out.”
✨ They are losing connection with themselves. ✨
As they disconnect, their behavior gets bigger and more dysregulated. They are no longer able to self-govern, self-modulate, or contain their intensity.
And in that moment, they are searching for containment.
But not just any containment—felt containment.
The Role of the Therapist—How We Show Up Matters
Here’s the tricky part: If we aren’t connected to ourselves during the escalation, the child will feel that.
If they can’t sense the therapist’s steadiness, they will continue to escalate—searching for an anchor.
And here’s an important distinction: This isn’t about being “calm.”
You can feel overwhelmed. You can feel activated. You can even feel a bit shaken. But you must still be connected to yourself.
That’s what the child will orient toward. That’s what will help them begin to find themselves again.
The Power of Congruence
Another factor that can drive escalation? Incongruence.
When something in the environment doesn’t make sense—when things feel “off” or unsafe—a child may escalate as a way to force alignment.
This could be:
🔹 The therapist acting “calm” when they are actually overwhelmed.
🔹 A feeling that isn’t being acknowledged in the space.
🔹 A lack of clarity—maybe the child doesn’t know what’s happening next.
Children will often amplify their intensity as a way to restore congruence—whether that means forcing the therapist to show up authentically or trying to get an unspoken reality named.
So What Do We Do?
When a child escalates, the goal isn’t to make it stop—it’s to reconnect.
✔️ First, check in with yourself. Am I connected to myself? Am I being congruent?
✔️ Acknowledge what’s happening. “Wow, this is getting really big.”
✔️ Redirect instead of shutting down. Instead of “No, stop!” try, “I see how big this is. Show me another way.”
✨ Containment through connection—not control—is the goal. ✨
When Boundaries Are Needed
Of course, this doesn’t mean boundaries aren’t important. They are.
But there’s a difference between:
🚫 A hard shutdown (“No! Stop! You can’t!”)
✅ A boundary that maintains connection (“I see how big this is, and I won’t let anyone get hurt. Show me another way.”)
One approach isolates and overpowers the child.
The other acknowledges and redirects while still holding space for their experience.
The Bigger Picture
When a child escalates, they aren’t trying to challenge you.
They aren’t trying to “manipulate” or “test limits.”
They are…
🔹 Disconnected from themselves.
🔹 Trying to find safety through connection.
🔹 Reacting to something that feels incongruent in the space.
So next time you feel that urge to shut it down, take a breath and ask:
💡 How can I reconnect to myself right now?
💡 How can I offer connection instead of control?
💡 What needs to be acknowledged in this space?
Because when a child escalates, what they truly need is an anchor back to themselves.
Much love on the journey, 💜
Lisa
