03/05/2024
This memory came up today in a period of time when Zane is struggling.
It is a good reminder of who he really is.
And who we all really are.
Beautiful souls underneath the struggle, underneath the reactiveness and the stuckness.
I am still trying to get my mind around that there’s no endpoint for him or for me or our world where it all is easy from then.
That tough days will still come.
There are days where he is lit up and days like now when he is off.
Just like days when I am joyful and days when I am grumpy.
So we take the hard days and do our best to navigate them and we really really revel in the beautiful days.
My beautiful friend reminded me yesterday that when Zane was young I let him draw on the walls ( all of them….,with crayon) and I told her ( I did not remember this but she did) “ How can I not let him when he just lights up when drawing on the wall? I can’t stop him when he is so lit up? “. I think I was a better mom than I remember.
Remembering and doing what lights us up gets us through the hard times.
We are all here for joy. We just forget too often.
Love you, Tonia —————————
Many years ago, when Zane was in the height of his craziness ( hyper, destroying things, making messes, drawing on walls- basically a running tornado), a lady came into the house for the first time. She was a psychologist, I think, helping his therapy team. As soon as she saw Zane, she stopped and had a vision of Zane as a meditating Buddhist monk in another life. My mom and I burst out laughing, and it is still our running joke to this day, because how not-calm and serene he was then.
But in the quiet moments since he was a baby, there was something different about Zane. A peace, a deep serenity that he exuded when at rest or in joy. Even as an infant, laying with him and looking into his eyes, I thought I saw God ( which I felt with all my little ones but Zane amplified).
My mom and I often wondered about this because she felt the same way if he was a reincarnation of Jesus. She never felt sacrilegious wondering that because that is how holy and wise Zane can be ( when not driving us nuts).
When Zane was 4 months old, my mum came over the night before her breast cancer surgery to hold the boys because she wouldn't be able to for several months as she recovered. When she held Zane, he locked eyes with her and touched her left breast ( the one with cancer) and kept his hand there for a long time while looking at her deeply. My mum and I knew then, and know now, that he somehow healed her presurgery.
His premature grey hair, his soulful eyes, his easy forgiveness, his connection to nature, his pure love- all point to facts that he is a very old and wise soul. He is one of the most evolved souls I have come across, and I am connected to many spiritual people.
I know he came as one of my greatest teachers in this life. I know he chose his difficult journey of having autism to evolve himself even higher, but also to bring me to my knees so I could find my own spiritual path.
Even at the end of a day that have us angry at each other- screaming, being our very worst selves- at the end, he is remorseful and just wants to be loved and love again. He is often the one telling me to take deep breaths, and asking me to calm down and "why are you so sad mommy?'. He is the one to remember to call in the angels and Jesus and uses reiki symbols that he just seems to know to calm me and himself down. As evolved as I think I am, he still teaches me what forgiveness, letting go and unconditional love is. His heart and his innate wisdom is that of a sage, even though his autism and humanness don't always display that.
As much as I wish still that Zane had never had autism because of the hardships and unfairness for Zane and us, I know on the deepest level that the kids and I are different, better human beings with him in our midst. I know he touches many other people that he comes in contact with for the better including teenagers at the youth mental health unit, his therapists, his teachers, family. He has this Light within him.
I experience this when cuddling him at night, and a deep peace comes over me ( no matter what Zane's and my interactions were that day) and I feel like there is no other place in the world that would be as peaceful and whole as being with him right then. I know then I am in the presence of a saint.
