11/07/2024
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We hear a lot of talk about safety for women and how we, as men, can create safety for them in a conversation, a conflict, or simply in connection.
We hear about how we, as men, can step up and become more present when women feel the need to vent or cry something out of their system, get rid of stuck tension in their bodies, or explore the possible limitations of their emotional expression.
But what about safety for men? What do men need from women to feel safe enough to share and express?
When women share with a man and feel held in his presence, they often become more at ease, their stress seems to dissolve, and they become more physically, emotionally, and verbally open.
But for me (and many other men), it’s not always safe when I share with women, especially when I share from an emotional place. My sharing, the way I express myself, or the (more masculine) energy with which I do my sharing often triggers emotions in her that she can’t always seem to hold.
As a result, the game immediately changes: I have to focus and tend to the emotions my sharing or energy brought up in her, which makes the space not about my safety anymore but about managing hers.
This makes me feel unseen and unheard and gives me the feeling that I can not show up in my authentic expression.
It becomes safe for me again when the woman I express myself to is receptive to what I bring to the table in that moment, silent and present until I can say “thank you” and choose to move on. There is no judgment, no "yes buts," and she can acknowledge my feelings and ask for consent to react, reflect, or come in with a question.
Women often have the tendency, especially when there is a pause in a man’s sharing, to ask many questions or take over the story. I know this mostly comes from a place of care, but it is detrimental to a man’s feeling of safety to speak from his heart, his gut, and his balls.
Men often process while talking. When we take pauses, we figure out either what we are feeling or how to express what we are feeling. It doesn’t help when a woman assumes she knows what we’re trying to say and takes over. Let us finish and honor our pauses. We need your curiosity instead of your impatience or, even worse, your judgment.
You will be amazed at how much we share if you can lean back and receive us in our words and silences. This will help us express ourselves without interrupting our mental and emotional processes.
It will also help us clarify or adjust what we say. Many men have not been taught how to feel, let alone express these feelings. It can be highly beneficial for us to say things out loud to find out if this feels true in our bodies and to explore if this is what we are trying to say.
Often, after a man says something, he might see it doesn't accurately describe his feelings, and then he can qualify or clarify what he’s just said. It creates integrity and trust.
With this post, I am not saying that women are solely responsible for a man’s safety to express. Safety, first and foremost, is an inside job.
Plus, we have to realize that sharing our truth or feelings automatically affects the energy and emotions of the other person, the receiver. That reaction is always beyond our control and doesn’t necessarily make the initial space unsafe.
Still, we can support each other by setting the space, asking for consent, clarifying our intentions and needs before we start our share, honoring silence, differences in paces, and vocabulary choices.
We are in it together.
~ Waijers Baumann
Unknown artist
Empower Wholeness Intimacy
https://EmpowerWholeness.com
