09/27/2017
If we want our young ones to grow up to be healthy adults with healthy boundaries then we should let them learn to establish what that means for them at a young age. Forcing them into unwanted physical contact teaches them that they are not in control of who touches them and in what context. Your child's comfort trumps the respect your elders card every time. Something to consider is your child's confidence in you and your ability to advocate for them when their voice is too polite, too small, or too scared to say no.
Katia Hetter taught her daughter an important lesson with a very simple phrase: “I would like you to hug Grandma, but I won't make you do it.” Her then four-year-old daughter was going on what she describes as “a hugging and kissing strike” -- parents might receive a hug, but even close family would not. Hetter felt it provided a good opportunity to teach her daughter “that it's OK to say no to an adult who lays a hand on her -- even a seemingly friendly hand." As she explained, "I figure her body is actually hers, not mine. It doesn't belong to her parents, preschool teacher, dance teacher or soccer coach. While she must treat people with respect, she doesn't have to offer physical affection to please them. And the earlier she learns ownership of herself and responsibility for her body, the better for her."
Hetter’s decision is backed up by many parenting experts, especially since the vast majority of s*xual abuse of children is carried out by relatives or family friends. Ursula Wagner from FamilyWorks in Chicago says that forcing physical contact like hugs “sends a message that there are certain situations [when] it's not up to them what they do with their bodies.” That message can have multiple repercussions as children grow: Irene Vanderzand, cofounder of Kidpower Teenpower Fullpower International, says that “forc[ing] children to submit to unwanted affection in order not to offend a relative or hurt a friend's feelings, we teach them that their bodies do not really belong to them because they have to push aside their own feelings about what feels right to them... [this can lead] to children getting s*xually abused, teen girls submitting to s*xual behavior so 'he'll like me' and kids enduring bullying because everyone is 'having fun.'”
Hetter also points out that allowing children to refuse hugs does not mean allowing them to be rude: “She has to be polite when greeting people, whether she knows them or not. When family and friends greet us, I give her the option of ‘a hug or a high-five.’ Since she's been watching adults greet each other with a handshake, she sometimes offers that option.” Hetter explains to family members “why we're letting her decide who she touches.” And, as she’s already observed, there is one additional benefit to letting her daughter lead the way when it comes to physical contact: “When my child cuddled up to my mother on the sofa recently, happily talking to her about stories and socks and toes and other things, my mother's face lit up. She knew it was real.” To read more, visit http://cnn.it/VLKGbO
For books to start teaching children -- girls and boys alike -- from a young age about age about the need to respect others and body privacy, we highly recommend: "My Body! What I Say Goes!" for ages 3 to 6 (https://www.amightygirl.com/my-body) and "I Said No! A Kid-to-kid Guide to Keeping Private Parts Private" for ages 4 to 7 (http://amzn.to/2pDSNH2)
For older children, issues of body autonomy, boundaries, and consent are discussed in more comprehensive books that address topics such as puberty, s*x education, and health, including "It's So Amazing!" for ages 6 to 9 (https://www.amightygirl.com/it-s-so-amazing) and the more detailed "It's Perfectly Normal" for ages 10 and up (https://www.amightygirl.com/it-s-perfectly)
For more books to make it easier to discuss appropriate touching and personal boundaries with young children, check out our post "Body Smart, Body Safe: Talking with Young Children about their Bodies" at https://www.amightygirl.com/blog?p=11069
For an excellent parenting book that offers advice on how to talk to teenagers about s*x, respect, and consent, we highly recommend "For Goodness S*x: Changing the Way We Talk to Teens About S*xuality, Values, and Health" at https://www.amightygirl.com/for-goodness-s*x
And, for parents of children with special needs, "An Exceptional Child’s Guide to Touch” is especially geared toward children with special needs from ages 3 to 7 or the equivalent developmental age (https://www.amightygirl.com/an-exceptional-children-s-guide-to-touch) -- and, for parenting guidance on teaching appropriate boundaries, check out "Teaching Children With Down Syndrome About Their Bodies, Boundaries, And S*xuality" (https://www.amightygirl.com/teaching-children-with-ds).
Thanks to Safe kids, thriving families for sharing this image!
