01/15/2023
SHINING THE LIGHT ON THE SHADOW SIDE OF MENS'S WORK
For those of you who know me personally, I am not someone who will post frequently, as I intentionally limit my time on social media as part of my own personal mental health self care.
Three years ago I wrote a post called Shining The Light on the Shadow Side of Shamanism. The post was a call-out to our community to be aware of shamanic and healing practitioners who were abusing their clients during and after their sessions.
The response from this post became a window of opportunity for people to have a voice on a very serious issue that was rarely spoken about or acknowledged in our community for fear of reprisals.
It assisted hundreds of women to come together and share their stories knowing they were not alone, women's support groups were created and it brought new levels of awareness to the practitioners and healers who were offending women to seek professional help.
It also held more men accountable for their actions and some of these men were also charged and convicted of s*xual abuse, due to the courage of women stepping forward and taking legal action to hold their offenders accountable.
The intention of this post is that it will assist supporting men in choosing the men's work that will support them to the fullest.
When I am speaking about the term Men's Work I am referring to: men's coaching, men groups, male facilitators, male speakers and trainers, male life and business mentors and coaches, male gurus, and of course the ever popular male influencers and male social media speakers.
You may have noticed an influx of a wide variety of Men's Work emerging since the Campaign started at the end of 2017. Women now had a forum to speak their truth and it was a call-out for men to take action for their shadow behaviors and to be held accountable for their actions. It was in early 2020 when I noticed an influx of different forms of men's work getting more popular on social media and in our community.
About 50% of it was very positive. The courses, training, and messages the teachers were offering were very useful tools to support men in their personal and professional growth.
The other 50% is what I would describe as very misguided and often very damaging for any man to be part of.
This type of men's work has been given labels like toxic masculinity, the alpha male syndrome, and the narcissistic male. There has also been an emergence of far right wing hate groups for men which is extremely concerning for women and their safety.
The intention of these hate groups is to keep women oppressed and subservient to men. The reason there have been so many of these types of hate groups is very clear. Many men feel threatened by women finally having a strong and empowered voice no longer feeling ashamed to speak their truth or to be silent any longer.
I have been involved as a participant and as a facilitator of many styles of Men's Work over the past 30 years, from the more feminizing, healing, spiritual men's work to the extreme alpha, purpose driven, men's work.
Looking back on all of my training I would NOT recommend doing any type of men's work which stays primarily focused on the extremes. What men need now more than ever is maintaining a presence of heart connected depth that is unwavering, which I call the Heart Centered Warrior.
The Heart Centered Warrior is a man who's heart never waivers from the presence of LOVE and every action is done for the highest good for all of his relations. When this message is at the center of all men's' work, then we can fully begin to embody the Sacred Masculine.
The Sacred Masculine has the insight and awareness to use his full spectrum of tools, knowing when to be the strong, action oriented and when to be the on purpose alpha male. He also equally knows when to be caring, gentle and loving. He is the full spectrum of the ALL, never wavering in his truth or his love for everything and everyone.
TOP 9 RED FLAGS TO BE AWARE OF WITH MEN'S WORK
1. SHAME GAME - be aware of men's work that uses shaming as a form of making you get over your issues or sign up to their training. The rabbit hole of men shaming other men has gone viral, primarily through social media, and the need to get a bigger fan base, more likes and more $$$$.
Since men have been programmed for centuries to live in extremes. The shame game is a way for men to feel superior to other men and it just repeats the same cycle of shame men have been dealing with for centuries. This cycle only continues to harden and armour men. We have the Alpha masculine men calling other men weak and useless, and the feminized men calling the Alpha men pigheaded, stupid and driven by their ego. This type of shaming has to end as it will continue to breed mistrust. The most common forms of shaming in social media right now is body shaming, money shaming and the alpha male superiority complex shaming towards other men and women.
SOLUTION TO THE SHAME GAME: When you see the shame game speak to it in the moment, tune out the plethora of male social media shamers who are feeding off of your shadow and return to your center.
2. SHOCK VALUE SYNDROME: You will see many male social media influencers using shock statements, judgements, excessive swearing, derogatory comments, put downs of other men as a negative form of marketing and to get attention. Some of the characteristics of the shock value male influencers will all have a troubled background which is often made up, are often past professional fighters, have taken large amounts of steroids for their false six pack and fake muscle, lots of tattoos, and are surrounded by young immature women who they can control and abuse.
Men who use shock value also will bring in conspiracy theories to shock their clients into submission or to buy into an illusional idea without any hard factual merit.
SOLUTION TO THE SHOCK VALUE SYNDROME: When you see this type of shock value, you are seeing someone who has been well trained to fool and exploit you. Do not allow yourself to be influenced or taken advantage of by this kind of marketing as it will only continue to keep triggering your nervous system and you will be ruled by fear instead of guided by your own depth of truth.
3. FEAR FACTOR: When you see men's work promoting change through instilling fear, be very careful what you are getting yourself into. The promoting change through fear was birthed in the old school of soldier and warfare training. Which teaches through fear and control of another.
SOLUTION TO THE FEAR FACTOR: When you see someone trying to control you through fear statements use your own discernment, intuition and gut feeling to know that the fear they are trying to instill in you is not real. Only you know your own truth, always follow it.
4. MORE FLASH THEN SUBSTANCE FACTOR: One of the biggest red flags to be aware of in all Men's Work is when you see someone flashing their money, their s*x and their power and control as a means to get attention. These men in my experience are usually the most troubled emotionally and often have severe narcissistic tendencies which are hard, very hard to overcome. They prey on men who have been emasculated and have a severe hatred towards empowered women. These men you want to run away from at all costs.
I am supporting some of these men in my counselling practice and their behavior is some of the hardest to shift. They are often leading a split life with 2 separate personas, one illusional for their social media fans and and a broken one in their personal life. This is very common with the social media male influencers and they usually self-destruct after a year.
5. EXTREME FACTOR: Anything done or taught in the extreme such as: my way is the right way or my truth is the only truth is a clear red flag for you to be aware of. Other signs to be aware of are extreme forms of communication and put downs of women who are empowered in their sovereignty. People living life in the extreme are usually the most damaged and need more support then their clients do, as they are emotionally very unstable.
SOLUTION TO THE EXTREME FACTOR: Continue to practice your own personal alignment starting with yourself first before you let others influence you towards the extremes.
6. TOXIC COMMUNICATION: There has been a rehashed style of men using swearing, extreme statements, demeaning and judgmental statements towards others as a way to make themselves look superior. The form of communication is no longer serving us as men and will only slow our evolution.
SOLUTION TO TOXIC COMMUNICATION: I am a huge supporter of Non-violent Communication and have witnessed how it has transformed lives. The founder of these teachings Marshall Rosenberg has passed away, but has shared some of his foundational trainings free on YouTube. It's a great place to start when you want to identify healthy communication compared to toxic communication.
7. FEMALE BASHING: A clear sign you are with the wrong men's work is when you start following or training from a man who puts women down. This is again an old school form of men's work that made women responsible for men's problems and allowed men to claim the balance of power. Men who are constantly putting down women and shaming them in public are men who are deeply wounded and need serious support and should not be doing any type of work with other men.
SOLUTION TO FEMALE BASHING: If you are a man and you see this occurring, claim your voice and speak to it directly in support of all women who have been hurt by men.
8. RIGID STRUCTURE: The environment we live in is extremely important. It needs to contain a balance of flexibility and firmness. There has been a resurgence of Men's Work that is getting too over controlled and rigid which is never sustainable in the long run. Healthy men's work needs to be balanced and not beat men up as men have experienced enough of that.
SOLUTION TO THE RIGID STRUCTURE: Finding your own center of the masculine and feminine within you and how to navigate it into your everyday life is the key to being balanced and whole.
9. ALPHA MALE ILLUSION: There is this new trend with men's work to promote the over inflated alpha male as the ideal man. This is a huge issue for men who deal with shame and believe the illusions they are seeing in social media. Today young men are bombarded with false advertising about the ge****ls, they are told to take all kinds of steroids and testosterone to look a certain way and if they can get 10% or less body fat they may see their six pack. All of this is the illusion to make men feel smaller and weaker than they really are.
SOLUTION TO THE ALPHA MALE ILLUSION: The way to transcend the illusion of the Alpha Male Syndrome is to continue with your own personal self care. This needs to include a balance of the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. When this occurs the true essence of the Spirit, Lover, Warrior and King merge as one to become the Heart Centered Warrior that is in every man.
I will be sharing this post with both men and women who I have personally witnessed make a positive contribution to our community and they continue growing in their own personal alignment. They have valuable wisdom to share on this important topic of men's work and I look forward to your shares.
With love and reverence for all men and women,
Chris Austin Fletcher
In conclusion, I would like to leave you with a writing from Rishima called the Sacred Masculine, I hold true that each and every man has the power to be a man that embodies these core values of what it means to be a heart centered warrior.
SACRED MASCULINE
I believe in sensitive and kind men.
I believe in the mystical men who believe in themselves.
I believe in men who seek temperance and peace inside them.
I believe in men poets, dreamers, magicians, writers, alchemists, artists, teachers, and angels.
I believe in men who like to dance and sing and make life a celebration.
I believe in men who embrace their wounded inner child, listen to him and embrace him true.
I believe in men who want to heal and help others to heal.
I believe in men who refuse to be slaves to their own wound and that despite the pain, they clean it and heal it patiently, with love and courage.
I believe in men who come from the stars and remember the power of their wings, the power of their hands and the power of their heart.
I believe in men who know of intuition and use it as their compass.
I believe in men who share freedom because they are free and do not know another way to live.
I believe in the men protective of women's energy, who know how to read the look of their beloved and who do not intend to change it, simply accompany it wisely on their flight.
I believe in full men who don't need anything from outside because they already know that everything has it inside.
I believe in men who make fire when they are cold, that take refuge in water when they are thirsty.
I believe in men with truthful eyes they see themselves and that's why they love and respect every creature that exists on earth.
I believe in men, perfectly imperfect, because it is in that imperfection is where they also find their beauty.
I believe in sensitive men who know how to receive and give love in balance, who listen and who also speak, those who live and let them live.
I believe in men who live s*xuality as sacred, because they know that it is a wonderful gift.
I believe in men with clear feelings, which are accessibleI believe in men who walk barefoot and speak to the plants.
I believe in the tender and wild men at the same time.
I believe in the sacred male and in all the divinity they have stood.
Poem by Rishima for:- Sacred Masculine
