04/10/2024
Today, we attended the Alexandra Hospital memorial service at St. Paul's Presbyterian Church in Ingersoll for all of the patients who passed away in 2023.
We were so thankful to be included and that they asked us to provide a photo of Hudson to show during the “in remembrance” slideshow.
Since our last name is Ryan, Hudson was closer to the end of the slideshow. A lot of the photos before him showed elderly people who had lived long, full, happy lives full of love and adventure. Some were middle aged, and some were just names with no photos provided.
When the photo of Hudson came up on the screen, a collective gasp sounded throughout the room. It may not have been noticeable to most people, but I felt it in my soul. 2019 to 2023. 4 years old. Look at this beautiful baby boy who died at 4 years old.
As soon as the slideshow was over… I looked up above the TV screen at the front of the church, and there were two spotlights. All of a sudden, there was a yellow butterfly circling around one of the lights. It only did maybe 5 circles and then it was gone… but I leaned over to Jon and I said “do you see that butterfly? It reminds me of Encanto”… which is one of our kids’ favourite movies. The yellow butterfly in the movie symbolizes the spirit of Mirabel’s Abuelo, and also the miracle of the candle. I looked up what yellow butterflies symbolize and it knocked the wind out of me when I read the very last line. I truly felt that it was Hudson when I saw it fluttering around the light.
Jon and I cried throughout the entire service, and Hayden and Sloane kept trying to wipe our tears. Even though Sloane can’t talk yet, she asked me to pick her up, and she was babbling to me with a worried look on her face while poking at my tears with her little finger. It almost felt like she was saying “these aren’t supposed to be here on your face, mommy.” Then she laid her head on my shoulder.
There were beautiful readings throughout the service, beautiful songs sung and accompanied by piano, and a few songs played on bag pipes. It was very well done and I thought it was an absolutely perfect way to honour all of our loved ones. All of the songs and readings were so meaningful and so close to how I’m sure all of the families were feeling about their lost loved ones.
By the end of the service, I was so emotional (which has been very unusual for me throughout all of this.. usually I’m the one keeping it together) that I had to get out of there. I didn’t want to fall apart in front of anyone, I felt really hot and like I just needed some fresh air and some space.
As we walked to the exit, Jon was walking behind me and the kids… and I felt a lot of eyes on me, the mom in tears while trying to wrangle three kids out the door. One kid crying beside me, one in my arms, and one I had to keep in a straight line with my hand on his head 😅. A lady by the door stopped me and asked if we were Hudson Ryan’s family. I said yes and she thanked me for sending in his photo, and I thanked her for including him.
Then we got out to the hallway and all of a sudden it hit me that this may have been the very last time we’ll ever be asked if we are Hudson Ryan’s family, or if I’m Hudson’s mom … and that got me right in the gut because I don’t know how many other times in my life that people would know Hudson and not us. Hudson won’t be here for people to know him outside of us and what we share about him. It’s just a sad realization.
We were lucky to have the support of a few family members there with us for the service. They provided us with lots of Kleenex. 😅
Miss you, Budders. One more day closer to seeing you again. 💜
