Bee.In.Harmony

03/17/2026

This is an awareness post for World Autism Acceptance Day coming up April 2nd.

We do NOT support erasure organizations.

We do NOT support assimilation centres.

We do NOT support the narrative that our autism needs to be fixed, healed, cured, or hidden.

We support ACCEPTANCE, it's not enough to "just be aware."

Remember , NOT

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For more information about the importance of red and gold:

https://www.autismbc.ca/blog/advocacy/understanding-red-and-gold-colours-of-autism-acceptance-and-pride/

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A couple of many reasons why we light it up red instead:

- Non-speakers
- Women
- Non-binary
- People of Color

https://autisticadvocacy.org/

https://autisticadvocacy.org/2012/04/autism-acceptance-month-essay/

https://awnnetwork.org/

As conversations around autism awareness and acceptance evolve, so do the symbols and colours representing the autistic community. While blue has long been associated with […]

03/16/2026

It's Masking Monday!!

And we're doing a 7-Part series here on defense coping mechanisms and including each previous section in the part below so if you missed the previous post you can get caught up.

Today's Part 2 is HUGE and comes with a trigger warning for section 6: s*x assault, abuse, unaliving, ABA
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READ PART 1:

***DISCLAIMER / WHAT IS A DEFENSE MECHANISM / DEFENSE MECHANISM #1: LYING***

https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1N8tnKiBaE/
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DEFENSE MECHANISM #2: PATHOLOGICAL DEMAND AVOIDANCE

PDA is better called Pervasive Drive for Autonomy,

and it is a defense mechanism to help neurodivergents - and autistics & ADHDers in particular - get our

social,
communicative,
processing, and
sensory needs met.

It is also an anxiety trauma response defense,

and in our sympathetic nervous system which is affected by instinct responses, it would most likely fall under fight before a moment of escalation.

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PDA is something EVERY person learns instinctively, right around the time of the "terrible two's":

"NO."

One infamous way psychologists recommend navigating this is to offer the illusion of choice.

Rather than:

"It's time for a drink, are you ready for your milk?"

To try instead:

"It's time for a drink, do you want your milk in the blue cup or the red cup?"

By offering a choice,

parents are able to navigate their little ones for a little while yet...

Until they catch on.

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For neurodivergents, some may catch on after just one or two times.

For others you might be able to get another year or two, or ten.

Once they do catch on, they recognize it for the lack of autonomy that it is,

and some PDAers may absolutely lose trust.

To regain it requires parents to be forthcomingly honest with their child,

to move from the role of Parent to Advisor and rather than make decisions for their autistic kid,

to instead focus on presenting paths of decisions and natural consequences, both negative and positive.

Advising is about guiding them towards making good choices for their autonomy,

steering them more heavily handed in the beginning and moving to a lighter touch over time.

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DISCLAIMER:

This advice comes with the obvious caveat that a parent knows best their child's ability to understand.

And while in general a parent will know their own child better than a stranger on the internet,

many autistics have come forward about their parent's mistreatment of their advocacy before they were given tools of accessibility to communicate.

Parents of autistics have a grave and difficult responsibility to advocate for their autistic child - for only as long as they are unable to -,

and unfortunately misinformation about what autism IS frequently means

"low support needs autistics" are thrust into situations they aren't ready to handle,

and

"high support needs autistics" are refused advocacy when they are competent.

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What does PDA look like?

In children, beyond "NO," we see

- "temper tantrums" that are in fact meltdowns (FIGHT) *Keep an eye out for Part 5!

- "acting out" by taking our frustrations out on the people not listening to us and anyone else caught in the crosshairs *Keep an eye out for Part 5!

- "misbehaving" to garner a reaction when we feel our needs dismissed *Keep an eye out for Part 5!

- eloping (FLIGHT) *Keep an eye out for Part 4!

- shutdown (FREEZE) *Keep an eye out for Part 6!

- situational mutism (FREEZE) *Keep an eye out for Part 3!

- forced or performative compliance (FAWN)

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This last one is HUGE, and ABA supporters need to understand;

Compliance is not inherently consent, and it comes at a cost whether PDA has been activated for long beforehand or not.

The hypervigilant stress we place on ourselves to be compliant

not only floods our nervous system with cortisol and

leads to damaging physical and mental health consequences,

It also grooms us for abusers and toxic loved ones to

take advantage of us over long periods of time, long into adulthood.

There's a reason our average lifespan is 54.
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Even when authoritative providers understand that our behavior comes from frustration and PDA,

it is still often framed as

"Our inability to communicate," or

"Our inability to realize the consequences of our behavior."

Too rarely it's framed as

"I can't understand my autistic kid," or

"I didn't get the needs of my child met,"

And this means a loss of agency and full compassion for autistics whereby

Neuronormative society dismisses us as the "poor problematic autistics" and emphasizes the lack of intention from us and impact on others,

Rather than recognizing we need

tools of advocacy

and for others to HEAR us in OUR way.

Our autism DOES have behavior manifesting from our internal state

BEYOND these neurodivergent trauma traits, and they are all clues as to our needs.

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A final point for childhood: "elopers" who are denied advocacy, may escalate to extreme frustration at not being understood,

using any means necessary to communicate with a person who will not learn or has a hard time applying our communication style...

Even to the point of physical violence.

Can you imagine spending years, communicating but not being understood, constantly being "spoken over," and

feeling like your existence and opinion is irrelevant?

Wouldn't you "fuss"?

Yell?

Strike?

Shake?

Flap?

Run?

Resist?

Panic?

Bite

when all you've done is communicate and be mistreated to the point they put their hand over your mouth and they've made it clear the time for calm advocation is over?

Educators and medical professionals are extremely behind in their research on autism and "autistic behavior,"

and unfortunately parents listen to them confirm their fears

rather than listen to actually autistic people celebrate who we are.

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We've talked about the dark side of PDA in children,

but it manifests in adults too!

Because PDA...

isn't just triggered by parents / authority figures like bosses.

It is also triggered by the self,

by the neurodivergent who said the instruction to themselves,

who cajoled themselves to get off the couch and try to at least look in the fridge,

who sat on the edge of the tub trying to convince themselves to get into the shower

who insisted on doing "just one more assignment" before letting themselves go to bed...

This is a key difference between PDA and ODD:

Whether or not it is triggered by everyone (including yourself)or if it's only triggered by authority figures.

Can you hear how "low support needs autistic" teens fit in here too?

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As teens and adults, our PDA is about restoring our body's autonomy by forcing us to recognize our needs are not being met.

It is a component of the cycle of executive dysfunction and autistic inertia:

Name the task and try to think of all the little tasks in it -->

Recognize subconsciously the task is too much for our processing, sensory, communicative, or social need -->

PDA kicks in -->

body locks down into freeze response -->

Autistic inertia (arguably neurodivergent inertia) overwhelms -->

Recognize the futility in starting because we're "already so far behind" -->

Name the updated task with all the little tasks we're now behind on -->

Recognize subconsciously...

and around we go again.

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How to disengage PDA?

Compassion:

"It makes sense my body is reacting this way."

Remove the demand:

"We will do this when and how we're ready, and not a moment before."

Bake in time:

"Technically this has to be done by x time, so we have time to sort ourselves out."

Reevaluate the situation:

"How important is this task really? If it's not life or death, it can wait."

(Sure, it may be important to update others; canceling is almost always an option.)
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How to prevent it?

Accommodate and listen to it the first time.

If you can't hear it in another person, then you need to change your communication style to the PDAer's.

Bake transition times into everything; you're not neurotypical, so why do you hold yourself to neuronormative standards?

Doing a task a day is reasonable.

Doing forty in a day is not.

Focus on what is do-able for YOU.

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We can also focus on declarative language, rather than

asking questions which place demand on a brain to

transition away from their current state of mind and

project to the future or past, even within ourselves:

"We need to go to the store to get ourselves groceries. We can go now, or we can go later after work."

"I'm hungry and think we should go out to eat if you're up for it. I feel like x, y, or z. Let me know which one you feel up for."

"It's time for a glass of milk, tell me if you want the red cup or blue cup."

Notice that choice is still offered.

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Combining all this with the idea of moving from Parent to Advisor to Mentor to Supporter sooner rather than later can help:

- Autistics feel that their choices, their life, DO matter, and

agency helps us feel more capable of problem-solving accurately with confidence from their parents rather than doubt.

- Parents feel connected to their autistic children, even through moments of disconnect.

By understanding all the elements of this post, parents can then move their understanding away from

behavior = intention and impact

to

behavior = symptom of needs unmet

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Defense mechanisms are here to protect us, but are they always serving us?

Sometimes yes. Often times no.

Who can say?

Only you.

Does it serve you in the person you want to be?

Is your defense mechanism in alignment with the subconscious mindsets you have influencing your decision-making processes?

If not, then it may be time to:

- rewire your mindsets

- find healthier coping mechanisms

- develop your support network to be neuroaffirming

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As always, take some time to sit with these,

really absorb what this defense mechanism is trying to say to you,

and ask yourself:

What are your

social
processing
communicative
sensory

needs, and how can you do a good job of getting them met?

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If you are a parent of a neurodivergent - autistic or ADHDer particularly - who is looking for advice, scroll to the 3rd last section of Part 1:

https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1N8tnKiBaE/
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If you are a loved one of a neurodivergent - again, particularly autistic or ADHDer - who is looking for knowledge on how to support, scroll to the 2nd last section of Part 1:

https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1N8tnKiBaE/

03/13/2026

It's F**k-It Friday, and we're opening up the floor to weird, unconventional, silly, and/or necessary social norms you break to accommodate YOUR needs:

Social
Communicative
Processing
Sensory

So I wanna hear from you:

What are yours?

03/11/2026

Wednesday Affirmation Post:
Your lived experience is VALID.

03/09/2026

It's Masking Monday!!

And we're doing a 7-Part series here on defense coping mechanisms and including the link to each previous section in the part below so if you missed the previous post you can get caught up.

DISCLAIMER: Bee is a private educational provider; these opinions are based on self-conducted research, observations of her students and clients of all ages and neurotypes over the course of 17 years, and her own process through childhood and betrayal trauma healing.

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PART 1: DEFENSE MECHANISMS

What are they?

They are the nervous system's attempt to help us with self-preservation;

They occur when our nervous system has been activated, and for neurodivergents, that happens extremely frequently.

Everybody engages in them,

some more than others,

and the reason why can be anything from

physical safety
to perceived safety
to emotional safety.

True to this page, we're looking at some of the big ones from the neurodivergent lens, specifically of autistics & ADHDers,

even though many other neurodivergents may also use them for similar or other reasons.
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1) DEFENSE MECHANISM #1: LYING

Lying is an anxiety trauma response defense designed to protect.

In our sympathetic nervous system which is affected by instinct responses, it would most likely fall under fawning.

It is much different than masking, so it's important to address this one earlier, even

- and maybe especially - because there is such a negative connotation to it.

Which is mighty ironic considering neurotypicals regularly lie to each other.

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There are many reasons to lie, but the biggest reason of all is for control.

For autistics and ADHDers, it's usually about preserving autonomy, self-control... about allowing us to see through our

social,
communicative,
processing, and
sensory needs,

particularly when our PDA response is ignored.

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Many autistics describe the sensation of lying as a

visceral reaction in the gut and chest,

a wrenching anxiety response in the body

when engaging in lying, to the point that many autistics say

they *cannot lie. (And for some, particularly those unmasked, it may be true!)

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For many AuDHDers, we may feel more confident in engaging in lying,

and impulsivity may be one of the factors in

helping us overcome our own automatic inclination to

reject lying so we can protect ourselves.

While it is possible for people to lie more easily than others, it is clearly unhealthy for autistics,

and arguably for most people for a wide variety of reasons.

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Lying requires

believing your own story more than the objective truth,

justifying motivations, and

using as much of the objective truth as possible for memory's sake.

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Healing this defense mechanism is an incredibly difficult one.

It requires a level of accountability most people take for granted,

A willingness to walk into the fire and allow yourself to be consumed by truth.

It starts by admitting that you've lied.

Whether it was told a day ago, a month ago... Five years ago.

You go to the person you lied to, and you own it.

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Now it's important to note:

There may be a very valid reason why you lied in the first place, like to an abuser.

Lying is about maintaining control, and that includes in moments that lack safety;

we do not shame people for lying to preserve their life.

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For people who ARE emotionally safe in your life,

people who are neuroaffirming,

have done the work to address internalized bigotry,

people who know how to co-regulate with you and hold space for you...

Yes, this is an exercise you can do.

To go to them and admit you lied.

Talk about the why:

- the situation
- the people
- the feelings
- the habits
- the subconscious mindsets

behind the way you lied, who you lied to, and who you were protecting.

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Own it.

And this next step... Oof.

You wait.

The other person might prove they were not actually a safe person for you.

They might be a safe person, but still feel betrayed and walk away.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is incredibly likely with this technique.

I can only confirm:

it does get better.

Because there will be someone who does give you grace,

appreciated your forthcomingness to tell the truth and accept the consequences of the lie and the responsibility to repair.

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As you go about repairing the situation or the relationship...

You look around;

it's not fire surrounding you, it's light,

and it's warm, inviting, and healing.

The next time you realize you lied, you'll be more likely to only wait a couple months, or a week, before telling the person you wronged.

After that, a day, a few hours.

Eventually, the lie will push itself out onto your tongue - may even get halfway out into the air...

and you'll swallow it.

"Sorry, that's not what I meant to say. What I wanted to say is..."

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After a few short months of consistently doing this practice, you've done it:

You've learned to tell the truth, to adopt a permanent mindset*

(when the cost is not physical safety!!)

*That every word that comes out of your mouth better be in alignment with your thoughts and your subconscious mindsets...

Because the cost to your authenticity, credibility, and integrity

is too high to pay.

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If you are a loved one of someone who uses lying to protect themselves, your feeling of betrayal is valid;

and you have every right to walk away from any relationship, healthy or not.

Do know that if the person understands this level of accountability they need to have moving forward and they execute this with you,

being their safe place for the first or second time is extremely meaningful for them,

and unfortunately your reaction could make or break their continuance of it.

Truly though, there is no pressure to stay or console;

(indeed saying "it's okay" is not a helpful response for them learning to take accountability;

it's important to remove shame while still holding them accountable for their actions.)

you are human and their reaction is not your responsibility unless you are their parent.

Otherwise, choosing to leave, to yell, to vent, to ghost...

are all sad and understandable.
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****STAY TUNED FOR PART 2 NEXT MONDAY!!!****
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Defense mechanisms are here to protect us, but are they always serving us?

Sometimes yes. Often times no.

Who can say?

Only you.

Does it serve you in the person you want to be?

Is your defense mechanism in alignment with the subconscious mindsets you have influencing your decision-making processes?

If not, then it may be time to:

- rewire your mindsets

- find healthier coping mechanisms

- develop your support network to be neuroaffirming

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For those parents who are worried about their children engaging in these defense mechanisms for the long-term,

All we can really do is

support them,

be a part of their neuroaffirmations by validating their experiences,

and empowering them to make decisions by

outlining all positive and negative consequences of potential choices,

followed by supporting them as they follow through either against or with your advice,

and then discussing all the positives and negatives that occurred, both expected and unexpected.

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Remember that even if your child works their way towards getting their needs met,

even if their need for safety through truth is being met,

that doesn't necessarily mean their nervous system has been deactivated;

it will take time, reassurance, and active effort on both sides,

for them to learn to trust they can lean into you,

and for you to be an emotionally safe space they can co-regulate in.

Letting go of neuronormative expectations will be a big part of the process for both of you.

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For loved ones who feel they may be seeing these defense mechanisms play out,

there isn't much we can do in those situations without attempting to control the situation...

which again, isn't our job.

Our job is purely a supportive role, which means

neuroaffirming validations,

taking their story of themselves as truth,

holding to your own boundaries about your actions consistently in a way that demonstrates self-love AND reflects the way you care for your neurodivergent partner.

By embracing our own self-love and authenticity,

we encourage our loved ones to move towards that path as well,

without adding pressure to have them move forward in the same motion, direction, or timing as ourselves;

Because even if there are aspects of your journey that may hold true, that's just it:

They're true for you.

Not necessarily your partner.

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Take some time to sit with these defense mechanisms,

really absorb what this particular defense mechanism is trying to say to you,

and ask yourself:

What are your

social
processing
communicative
sensory

needs, and how can you do a good job of getting them met?

03/09/2026

"My 73 year old mom decided to treat my 12 year old daughter to a new swimsuit. The swimsuit they chose is a red, string bikini.

My daughter says she's aware that it's revealing and she chose it because she is most comfortable in it, has full range of motion, and it's easier for toileting.

My mother's feeling is that my daughter (AuDHD) should wear whatever makes her feel happy, and that this is a positive move because she has body confidence she was missing 2 years ago.

I worry that a swimsuit so skimpy, is going to result in my CHILD being seggsualized by ADULTS.

My daughter is fiercely outspoken when she knows she is wronged, but will she always recognize when someone is objectifying her? Is it my duty to put a limit on her self expression, in order to maximize her safety? Or do I always remain near her when we are swimming, wading, or near water... do I just need to continue doing what I have always done, to keep her safe - monitor closely, put her in an inflatable life jacket, and stay within reach?

My daughter's plan is to LOUDLY call out anyone who seggsualizes her overtly or is caught taking a photo. She's done it before too, when she was wearing LOTS of layered shirts, long pants, a sweater and a hat... Which proves her point that if men respond to her body with inappropriate comments or stares, that it isn't HER problem, and that predators don't care what you are wearing.

If they want to target you for their attention, they don't need a reason.

I don't want to see my baby treated badly, and I don't want this vacation to not feel like a vacation if I'm always preparing to "choose the bear."
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It sounds like you've done an amazing job to raise a

smart,
thoughtful,
self-advocating teenager

(which is what they are, as they move from late pr***en to young adult!)

At some point your role has to continue shifting from

Parent to
Advisor to
Mentor to
Supporter.

Your time as Advisor has passed; you've passed on the knowledge for years, you've given her the wiggle room to make decisions with supervision...

Now it's time to move towards giving her the space to face the full effects of the consequences of her actions, serving as Mentor in the sense of giving her someone to bounce ideas of off and ultimately step back to let her shine or fail.

It's a hard step, letting her fly away from the tree while you stay more behind rather than going with her...

But you know the next step will be her departing and having her own adventures to return at her own pace, and if she's to be ready for that part she needs to practice at this part.

You're still on vacation with her. She's still in your sight.

You've been an emotionally safe person for her to engage with for a long period of time.

She knows that the instant she needs you, she can come to you.

That really is enough 💜

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As an aside, it's important to note that being 12 years old matters, but not as much as attitude, behavior, and ability to follow-through of the child;

there are some 12 year olds out there who are not ready for their parents to move from Advisor to Mentor.

There are also a significant number of children who needed their parents to shift from

Parent to Advisor much earlier than for others,

particularly children with a PDA profile,

and as a result they frequently need their Advisor to switch to Mentor sooner as well.

Every child is different, and

OP has clearly done a good job being in the role of Advisor for such a period of time that

their daughter has strong advocacy skills and has practiced applying them before.

03/09/2026

Happy Int. Women's Day to ALL women 🌈
♥️🧡💛💚🩵💜🩶
🖤🤎🩵🩷🤍

03/07/2026

We are not stupid for being human and having some of our human traits dialed up so high we can't ignore them.

Our neurodivergent needs:

- Social
- Communicative
- Processing
- Sensory

ARE VALID, and they deserve to be met by us and by our loved ones.

Be sure to show some love, they were vulnerable with their post about recognizing their own negative self-talk 💜

And if YOU want to work on that for yourself...

Send me a DM.

Cause we don't do that here, m'kay?

03/07/2026

2 hours of work... down the drain...

Because insta can't figure it's 💩 out..

With... With... Da stupid....

Caption editing...

An'... And...

And me having to edit every single little thing...

But it keeps getting SMALLER...

Every goddamn time.

And then

SWISH!!!

*Cue robot lady's voice: We regret to inform you your finger has tried to find print that is too small to exist for pixelation. Your video and editing will be promptly deleted. Good day, and go f**k yourself*

*Beep boop*

Life is not worth living.

(Yes, I'm dramatic, let me have this!!! 😡🤣😭😮‍💨)
Ugh 🫩

03/06/2026

Happy F**k-It Friday!!! What are the social norms you toss into the garbage to build a better life for yourself?

For me, I've abandoned the idea that "a romantic partner is THE person to do things in your life with."

A few years ago I took my sister to a hotel overnight for a relaxing sleepover and spa treatment I knew she would like.

I try to make it my mission to go to the movies alone once a year.

Those came from a place of self-love, working through trauma.

More recently, it's been fully accepting that I might only go part-time to events.

We're headed to a concert tonight... At different times.

I need more recharge time after work, and going out I'd like to spend a little energy to look more put together than a t-shirt and leggings. It doesn't happen often, so it's a special occasion when I do.

So they'll go early to get a good spot for themselves.

I'll arrive late with maybe an hour left of the performer, headset ready to go with music to play between songs so the background sounds don't overwhelm me while the band preps their one.

Then I'll take us home.

What are the ways you've broken social norms around attending events? Or feel free to mention any way you've thrown norms the middle finger 🤣

03/05/2026

Many neurodivergents go through phases where we question what we think we know about our experiences with the people in our lives.

It happens when we leave one chapter to start another,

or when we recognize we need to do active inner work...

I'm sure you can think of others.

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One of the most common confrontations I see regularly for millennials and younger are people who confront their parents about how they were raised.

And for neurodivergents who experienced societal-neurodivergent trauma outside the home,

There's a likelihood they also experienced it inside the family, especially if the family is unrealized neurodivergent and maintaining the status quo:

Neuronormative.

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There is also a lot of abuse that goes on in families with unhealed generational trauma,

and part of the trauma that gets passed along can also be the genetic aspect of some neurodivergences.

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When adult children confront their parents about their childhood experiences,

it is about addressing the power dynamic;

Where once, for a significant duration of their life, they were

powerless

and unable to give

fully knowing
and
willing
consent,

they now have

the power,
the language,
the freedom

to choose their response without fear of enslavement or disenfranchisement;

to advocate for themselves.

This self-empowerment is crucial for people who have been abused,

however unintentional or unknowing it may have looked to the abuser.

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Not all adult children will confront their parents about what they went through when they were growing up,

but when they do, many of these particular parents react defensively,

thinking that it's about getting to the truth of the matter...

From their perspective.

This isn't about the parents.

It's about a bid of connection for the child,

a chance for a fully mature brain to

sit with the person in the room and be able to

advocate for themselves in a way they couldn't when they were

powerless in the relationship.

It's an important step for adult children who want to be

authentic with their parents,

and to evolve the relationship dynamic from

parent-child as teacher to

parent-child as supporter.

It's a potentially healing step.

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When parents:

react badly to it,

avoid accountability,

invalidate their child's truth,

it further confirms for the adult child that their perspective from when they were kids

is even more valid...

It confirms that the potentially abusive parent

was actually abusive and continues to be so through gaslighting.

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Today's writing prompt was inspired by a parent of a person with confirmed BPD who may also be autistic,

A parent who wondered,

"How can my experiences of their childhood be so different from theirs?"

You could tell this was a parent who was

more interested in seeking validation for their experiences

than in actually understanding this question,

a parent who regularly used the words "discipline" and "yelling", and regularly called into question their adult child's words, "being hit every day for 12-14 years."

I've included my response to them here because I do think there are parents reading this

who may one day be confronted with their child's perspective of their own childhood...

and it's important to learn how to hold space for your child who says you've wronged them.
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When the abuse is inconsistent, the nervous system has no choice but to assume the attack will come at any moment.

It's important to recognize that even if you technically didn't hit your kid everyday, the fact that it even happened once would not be okay, let alone if it happened more than once such that the nervous system learned to be hypervigilant about it.

Because make no mistake:

Verbal abuse... Is still abuse.

Physical abuse doesn't occur without verbal abuse first being present.

Trying to nitpick about your son's experiences, seeking to validate your perspective of how his childhood went, is not the way you want to go about this.

You are going to have to set aside your own perspective of how you think things went down...

And take on his perspective as 100% truth, regardless of whether your memories conflict with that or not.

If you really want to see your way through this, have a healthy relationship with your kid, not be seen as (or be) an abusive parent...

Then you're going to have to sit with the information and develop better techniques for regulating yourself while being confronted with your child's reality.

There's a saying that comes to mind: "If you have nothing nice to say, then say something nothing."

A similar principle will work here:

"If you can't validate in that moment what your adult child is saying, tell them 'I will need more time to reflect on this and will get back to you at x date.'"

Make the date happen a week later so that you give your brain time to properly process the information and figure out a way to validate at least one component of what they've said.

There's a high chance you'll be able to do it sooner than a week, but a week is the bare minimum for you to then reach out to them and confirm that you need more time or that you're ready to talk.

A final tip:

Remove the word "but" / "however" from your conversations with your adult child.

The instant a person says the word "but," they immediately invalidate anything they said before it.

" I love you, but I need some space."

--> your love is not felt because you said it before the word but, even if you meant it.

"I understand you see it that I abused you, but I didn't hit you everyday."

--> shows you clearly don't understand that even being hit once is abuse, that abuse comes in many forms (physical, verbal, sexual, financial, emotional), and that you're not actually interested in showing you do understand what they went through.