Stephanie Underwood RSW

11/21/2025

A helpful way to understand this is through a tree metaphor: our attachment system is the root structure, and our childhood environment is the soil those roots grow in.

When early relationships are consistent, responsive, and emotionally safe, the roots grow strong and stable, creating a foundation that supports resilience in adulthood. When the environment is unpredictable, emotionally unavailable, or overwhelming, the roots adapt for survival. Those adaptations influence how we handle closeness, stress, and connection later on.

Healing attachment isn’t about replacing the roots. It’s about gradually improving the soil and strengthening the tree over time. Through repeated experiences of safety, regulation, and supportive relationships, the attachment system becomes more secure. It’s a steady, lifelong process, not an instant shift or a temporary phase. But healing is possible, and it’s worth it.

11/20/2025

When we think of a toxic relationship, we often picture a relationship with a narcissist. However, toxic relationships can arise from interactions with individuals who exhibit a range of unhealthy behaviours or personality traits, not just those with narcissistic tendencies.

11/16/2025

People confuse the Fearful-Avoidant behavior with Dismissive-Avoidant behavior, and it’s creates a lot of confusion and finger pointing.

DA’s carry a deep-rooted shame wound - the last thing they need is to be blamed for traits that don’t even belong to their attachment style.

A Dismissive-Avoidant does not love bomb. And they’re definitely not running hot and cold. Their entire nervous system is built around emotional suppression and distance - intensity isn’t part of their pattern.

The more we understand the differences, the easier it becomes to stop repeating the same painful patterns and finally choose relationships that feel safe, steady, and reciprocal.

11/14/2025

I’ve always felt quite strongly about the importance of putting out research-based content on social media. I’ve always been driven by research and facts. Because I believe that people deserve reliable content they can trust. But social media is over saturated with Attachment and mental health misinformation, often by individual who claim to have expertise but actually don’t.

My hope is that posts like this can help people understand themselves with more compassion and less self-blame - and encourage people to explore the actual research behind attachment so they can feel grounded in what’s real, not what’s recycled online.

You deserve information that empowers you, not misleads you.

11/13/2025

Many of us didn't get that emotional safety as children. Yet, emotional safety has a huge impact on how we perceive relationships.

When we feel emotionally unsafe, it can lead to defensiveness, distrust, and a lack of vulnerability, which can all hinder our ability to form deep and meaningful connections with those around us.

By prioritizing emotional safety, we can create a space where authenticity, empathy, and understanding can thrive, and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships with the people in our lives.

11/11/2025

Insecure Attachment Styles are coping mechanisms to protect ourselves from people. When we have an insecure attachment style we basically learnt that we can’t trust people, and that we have to be hypervigilant to make sure that we don’t get hurt by others. The coping is different - but the underlying root causes are the same.

11/07/2025

This is something that I often read on social media, and I wanted to debunk this the best way that I can.

The biggest difference between someone with an anxious attachment and someone with an avoidant attachment is the ability to self-regulate.

In a relationship with a partner who withdraws- a secure person might feel discomfort, but they don’t spiral. Can they experience anxiety? Of course they can. But the difference is that the securely attached partner can self-regulate, communicate, and if they feel repeatedly mistreated, they leave. The securely attached person will never self-abandon for a relationship.

Inconsistent behavior doesn’t create insecurity; it activates what’s already there. Let’s stop pathologizing avoidants and start understanding our own activations.

11/06/2025

Attachment isn’t about how you love. It’s about how you protect yourself when love feels risky.

Anxious or avoidant, both are coping mechanisms rooted in fear of disconnection. One chases. One pulls away. Same wound. Different strategy.

The goal isn’t to become “perfectly secure.”
It’s to recognize the pattern and choose connection over protection, one moment at a time.

It’s to teach our body, and our mind, that connection doesn’t have to be so scary.

11/06/2025

Attachment is formed early, built into our nervous system, and shows up as our default way of staying safe with others. But context matters. Different people and different levels of safety can activate different parts of us.

Healing doesn’t erase your past. It updates how you show up, and that’s real growth.

If you want evidence-based attachment education without the trendy TikTok twists, you’re in the right place.

11/05/2025

These two insecure attachment styles are each other’s biggest trigger. They bring to the surface our deepest fears: being abandoned, being rejected, and not being enough. They activate our oldest wounds, which is why anxious-avoidant relationships can feel like an emotional minefield.

When both partners are unhealed, one fearing closeness will push the other away, the other fearing distance means they’re being left - maintaining a healthy relationship becomes extremely difficult. Lasting love requires awareness. It requires two people who are willing to understand their own patterns, take accountability, repair ruptures, and communicate even when it’s uncomfortable. That’s what transforms the cycle.

11/05/2025

In this new article, I break down what the research actually says about how adult attachment styles have shifted over the last few decades, why avoidant and fearful-avoidant patterns seem to be rising, and how things like ghosting, hyper-individualism, and tech are reshaping the way we trust, bond, and show up in relationships.

If you’ve ever wondered, “Is it just me, or is everyone terrified of intimacy now?” this one’s for you.

Read it here:
https://www.healingnarrativescounselling.com/post/why-insecure-attachment-styles-are-on-the-rise-what-the-research-tells-us

Insecure Attachment Styles have been on the rise. Explore the research behind this trend and the cultural shifts driving it.

11/05/2025

Avoidance is a survival mechanism - not a choice. It only becomes a choice when we begin to actively work on ourselves.