Stephanie Underwood RSW

06/01/2026

Many of us, not all, but many of us are the result of an unhealed anxious-avoidant parenting dynamic.

The anxious-avoidant parental pairing is one of the most common family dynamics in clinical practice that I see - and one of the least discussed in terms of its impact on children.

This post breaks down what this dynamic actually produces in the nervous systems of the people raised inside it.

https://www.healingnarrativescounselling.com/post/many-of-us-are-the-product-of-an-anxious-avoidant-pairing

05/31/2026

The Subjugation Schema is created when a child learns that their parent’s emotional world is bigger and more important than theirs.

You avoid conflict. You suppress your feelings, your needs, your wants. You learn that being yourself isn’t safe.

You become exactly what people want you to be. Compliant, easy to get a long with, and low maintenance.

Until one day you realize you’re carrying resentment toward people who never actually asked you to disappear.

This post is about what is actually happening underneath, and what it costs the person carrying it.

👇 Read more:

https://www.healingnarrativescounselling.com/post/the-subjugation-schema-when-shrinking-yourself-feels-like-the-only-way-to-stay-safe

05/26/2026

The line between relationship and code is starting to blur.

In my latest post I unpack how AI chatbots trigger attachment systems, create emotional dependency, and are reshaping relationships without us even realizing.

This is one of the most important and critical pieces that I’ve written on this topic to date.

Link below 🔗

https://www.healingnarrativescounselling.com/post/the-dangerous-psychological-reality-of-ai-companions-why-humans-are-beginning-to-attach-to-machines

AI chatbots and companion apps are doing more than entertaining people. They are beginning to activate attachment systems, emotional dependency, and maladaptive relational patterns in ways most people do not yet understand. Explore the psychological dangers of attachment and AI, including parasocial...

05/24/2026

Attachment strategies are protective responses organized around safety and connection.

Hyperactivating strategies move toward connection.
Deactivating Strategies move away from connection.

Understanding the function of the behavior matters more than simply labeling the person.

05/15/2026

Trust is the very foundation of attachment. The Mistrust/Abuse schema is often rooted in early life experiences of betrayal, mistreatment, or abuse, especially from caregivers or important authority figures. For example, having parents who are critical, demeaning or manipulative.

This schema can also develop in adulthood when a person finds themself in abusive relationships where they experience betrayal.

A person with this schema views the world through a lens of suspicion and defensiveness, believing that people are inherently untrustworthy or malicious.

The more betrayal and/or abandonment the person experiences, the more reinforced these schemas become and so the person becomes increasingly mistrustful, hyper vigilant, all to the point of self-sabotaging potentially healthy relationships, which includes all relationships, no only romantic ones.

If you’ve ever wondered why you think the way you do, react the way you do, or keep repeating the same patterns in relationships… this is where it starts.

I break this down step by step in my 130+ page guide: “Schema Shift: A Practical Guide to Understanding the Patterns You Keep Repeating”

If you’re ready to actually understand your patterns (not just label them)…

Learn more about it out here:
https://schemashiftworkbook.base44.app

05/14/2026

A lot of people are talking about modern dating culture right now, but very few people are talking about what repeated relational rupture actually does to the nervous system over time.

People don’t usually enter dating feeling emotionally guarded, hyper-independent, detached, or skeptical of intimacy. Most people begin with openness, hope, trust, and the belief that connection is safe.

But after enough betrayal, inconsistency, emotional unavailability, abandonment, criticism, and disappointment, the brain begins updating its predictions about relationships.

At some point, dating stops feeling exciting and starts feeling emotionally taxing.

This is part of why we’re seeing more emotional exhaustion, avoidance, fear of vulnerability, hyper-independence, and chronic distrust in modern dating culture, especially among people in their 30s and 40s who have experienced repeated relational ruptures over time.

A lot of what people label as “commitment issues” are often protective adaptations shaped by the nervous system’s attempt to avoid further relational pain.

05/12/2026

I feel like I have an ethical responsibility to let clients know when they meet with me for the initial consultation. Not to scare them. But to be transparent about the process and what they can expect from the outcome.

Because trauma therapy sounds trendy and aesthetic, but it’s actually not. And the truth is that trauma work can be deeply confronting because it often requires people to dismantle survival strategies that once protected them.

The difficult part is that awareness alone does not create change.

The real work is learning how to tolerate discomfort long enough to respond differently. Repeatedly. Consistently. Over time. That is exhausting work for many people, especially when the nervous system has spent years prioritizing survival over safety.

Trauma therapy can absolutely be life changing. But ethically, we need to stop presenting it as a magical cure or pretending that everyone is immediately ready for deep trauma processing without stabilization, emotional capacity, and safety.

05/10/2026

Mother’s Day can be beautiful, complicated, painful, healing, or all of those things at once.

Giving birth does not automatically make someone emotionally safe, nurturing, or attuned. Parenting is not defined by biology alone. It is reflected in how a child feels in your presence.

Children remember who protected them.
Who listened.
Who repaired.
Who made them feel emotionally safe.
And who did not.

This post is for the mothers doing the difficult work of self-reflection, accountability, repair, and breaking cycles that were never theirs to carry in the first place.

Because real parenting is not about perfection.
It is about responsibility, awareness, and the willingness to grow.

Happy Mother’s Day to the mothers choosing connection over control, repair over ego, and safety over shame. 🌷

05/09/2026

Schemas are predictive threat structures that activate our attachment strategies.

We can’t heal relational trauma unless we heal our early childhood schemas. Because behind every trigger that we experience, there is a schema that is being activated.

Schema Shift is a 130+ page deep dive into the emotional and relational patterns that shape the way you think, feel, react, and connect with others. Because your patterns are never random.

Learn more about the guide here:
https://schemashiftworkbook.base44.app

05/09/2026

Fearful-avoidant attachment is often described as “wanting closeness but fearing it.” Which is one part of the equation. But from a Relational Safety Framework perspective, the pattern is more specific than that.

The relationship is not always the threat. The Early Maladaptive Schema is what interprets relational cues as unsafe;

A delayed response, a shift in tone, emotional closeness, conflict, criticism, or another person’s needs can activate old schema-based predictions about abandonment, shame, betrayal, control, or loss of self.

Once the schema predicts danger, the attachment system mobilizes a strategy to restore safety.

Sometimes that strategy is moving closer.
Sometimes it is pulling away.
Sometimes it is both.

The push-pull is not random - It’s a nervous system trying to survive competing predictions about connection.

🔗 If you want to understand the deeper patterns underneath attachment responses, my Schema Shift guide explores the Early Maladaptive Schemas that shape the relationship patterns we keep repeating.

Learn More: https://schemashiftworkbook.base44.app