07/07/2023
When grief inspires growth
Last Wednesday I had the great privilege of interviewing my long time friend and mentor, Dr. Dorian Mintzer, on transitions, later life work and retirement and couples. The session was wonderful and Dori provided great insight and shared stories and experiences from her own life. The recording will be made available later this month.
One of the points Dori raised was the importance of adapting goals to our changing circumstances. She shared her experience about how her and her husband needed to alter the mountains they hiked as they got older because the altitude influenced their capacity to physically complete the hike.
This point made me think about aging and aspirations.
As we age, our abilities, interests, and circumstances often change and accepting this shift can be challenging, as it involves letting go of long-held dreams and aspirations.
This loss can induce feelings of grief - similar to mourning.
While the grieving process allows us to acknowledge the significance of these original goals and honour their significance in our lives - most of my clients want to skip this step because its hard and painful to accept that our lives are changing.
Yet, the grieving process, be it letting go of a work role identity, or accepting that our physical abilities change as we get older, is a crucial step towards moving forward as it facilitates closure and makes space for new aspirations.
Let's take the example of Maria (not her real name of course), a passionate marathon runner. Since her twenties, Maria had revelled in the thrill of endurance running, pushing her body's limits and setting increasingly challenging goals for herself.
As Maria entered her fifties, however, she started to notice changes in her body. Her joints started to ache during long runs, her recovery time increased, and she felt a general sense of fatigue she hadn't experienced before. Despite her determination, she began to realize that running may no longer be feasible or healthy.
This realization brought a sense of loss and sadness for Maria as she longed for her youthful resilience. With time, however, she began to see this transition as an opportunity to set new, more appropriate physical goals for her current stage of life.
Maria decided to shift her focus from endurance running to yoga, a practice she had always admired for its balance of strength, flexibility, and mental wellness. She aimed to become proficient in yoga, setting a new goal to master some of the more advanced poses.
Adjusting was not easy, but it offered Maria a way to maintain her physical health and sense of achievement without harming her physical wellbeing. It was an opportunity to develop a new relationship with her body - one of respect for its capabilities and limitations.
This transition reminded her that goals, much like life itself, is so much easier if we're willing to be flexible and adapt.
When we allow ourselves the opportunity to grieve for what was and how life used to be, we also create space for what is and what is now possible. And when goals are rooted in our present capabilities and desires, they provide renewed motivation, purpose, and fulfillment.
