30/12/2025
Yesterday I said goodbye to my baby girl Boo 💔
A week ago this was entirely unexpected. I am so excruciatingly heartbroken, beyond words.
Boo had a completely out of nowhere, extreme and terrifying medical episode. This whole week has been heartwrenching for my man and I.
We found out she had a brain tumor. She was displaying 0 signs that something was wrong. Until she did, horribly. We were able to take her home for the week after two horrendous days of vet visits.
I've been through many different anguishing hells in this life, but this is one of the worst. In contrast, I've been extremely blessed in this life, experiencing beautiful opportunities, pockets of heaven, deep love...
One of the biggest blessings was my kitty, my baby, my girl, my anchor, Boo. She gifted me the most unconditional, gentle, pure, profound, angelic levels of love and bliss that I could ever know.
She was my surprise 15th birthday present, that I begged and prayed for. 🎁
I've lived over half of my life with her. From a struggling mentally messed up girl, to the strong, soft, spiritually oriented 30.5 year old woman I am today. She has been through it all with me, shaping my days and years, my heart and spirit, in the 7 homes we lived in together in, 2010-now.
No other cat could compare.
The Universe knew what I needed.
All of the good / bad, the chaotic / simple, the highs / lows, the unbelievable wonders / unbearable worsts, triumphs / tragedies. She's been my constant, my safe space, my pillow (literally) to rest my head, my world in a sweet, intelligent, remarkable little soul, that existed in the cutest fluffiest purring body. ❤️
She wiped my tears with her sweet little paws and head rubs to the cheeks. She cuddled my face, chest, or both every night. She made me smile, sing, breathe, laugh, and gave me a reason to keep on existing.
She is the sweetest, most snuggly, clingy, intelligent, intuitive, funny, self-aware, expressive cat I've ever known. In some ways, more like a dog or little human, than a cat. And I am a crazy cat lady. I know and love cats; I know she was genuinely special. She was different, perfect, extraordinary. I was so lucky. 🥹💖😭
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There has always been something incredible about her. My precious girl. ❤️
This last week she was not able to return to her full baseline of normal. But she cuddled me almost constantly when she could, purring her heart out, giving me kisses. She was giving kissy eyes, nuzzling and soaking up the love, snuggling and finding comfort and peace by our sides.
Which is the best we could've hoped for through her struggles this week. We wanted her to feel as safe and secure as possible in her last days with us.
It was a brutally painful week. Time defied logic, and grief swallowed us up. The world stood still as much as it moved around us, the days simultaneously so long and so short. Boo was excited to eat food, and she was feeling safety and security when glued to us, but otherwise it was unavoidable that she needed this mercy of release. It is a knife in my heart, but it is what she needed.
I haven't lived life without my girl since before I even started grade 10. It feels so unbearable. ❤️🩹
I always said I'd find a pet c(s)emetery and put her in it, just to have her longer, even though she'd turn into a monster... because I couldn't do this life without her. But love shows compassion beyond selfishness when it's real and true. And her quality of life, her sudden pain and suffering, is something we had to make matter more than our own.
I would often randomly cry imagining this loss. I couldn't help it... staring into her gorgeous love filled eyes, holding her tiny little runt kitty body (she was the runt of her litter and stayed so small and sweet). I would cry, even though she was only a literal kitten still, up into and through these 15.5 years, just knowing she can't stay with me forever. Knowing that eventually she'd be gone.
Waves of pre-grief... sometimes my man and I would laugh in those times because it was so silly. She was still here, she was healthy and fine, purring in my lap or beside my face as I wept. But I knew a foreboding ocean of sorrow was waiting for me in the future, one I inevitably couldn't escape. I just didn't expect it so without warning, without knowing all of the lasts were the lasts. I just didn't think it would come out of nowhere, so sudden and so fast that we'd have whiplash.
Great love = great grief.
Astronomically immense love = astronomically immense grief.
To know that I am forever going to be in pain, changed and scarred by the loss of her, because it is purely a reflection of how much we loved eachother... doesn't comfort me. I know that is comforting for some, but for me, it just isn't. 😔
That is the rawness of grief, though.
It is dark, it is hard, it is sharp. It doesn't need to be sugarcoated, to be blunted. It needs to be felt and honoured as the gaping hole in the heart that it is. Someone sewn to my side and my soul and my spirit is torn away. That is a true wound. It is excruciating. It is raw and dark and hard and sharp.
It's been a deep privilege and honour to have lived my life thus far with Boo, though. The extent of the love not easing the grief for me doesn't change that, at all. I am eternally grateful for this love, for all of these years with my girl, for all of the immeasurable joy. ☀️🌿🍄🎁🌹🙏
I will never have this type of bond again, just as I will never grow from my mid teens into the beginning of my 30s again. I know this. I respect this. I appreciate what I got, what I had.
She was so present, she was not a distant cat... I know it is going to take a while to adjust. Our every single moment in our home is forever changed. Our hearts, our headspaces, altered and aching.
Life catches you by surprise and you never know how much time you have left with your loved ones.
Be kind, be generous, be grateful, be present. Say your I love yous, feel it all deeply, soak it all in. Cherish all the moments you get, and choose to keep your heart as wide open as possible, despite the fact that grief is always intertwined with love, despite the future's pains. 🕊❤️💐🌼🌤
Love is the thing worth existing for.
Astronomically immense love is worth the astronomically immense grief.
No amount of pain now changes the immeasurable joy and companionship that she brought. The past is sealed with purrs, preciousness beyond words, and unfathomable love, which I will always be thankful for.
I have multiple events coming up for January and February, but for now, I am pausing one-on-one sessions and will be taking a bit of time before posting about these upcoming events.
I will transmute this pain slowly, let myself be reborn anew, even if it's disgustingly difficult to accept and let go and adjust and rearrange my existence.
I have a lot more to do here.
Despite this all, I look forward to walking with you in varying capacities in 2026, whether it's through group or one-on-one sessions, or in other new and special ways.
Much love to you,
Allie 🌹☀️🌿
