01/07/2021
TW: 💛
I’ve debated posting about this for a while now. Gone back and forth, over thinking what people may think, not wanting to draw attention/pity to myself. I’ve always known I’d be open and share early about my TTC, pregnancy journey in the name of education and de stigmatizing many different areas of it all... I don’t see why sharing this would be any different. The unfortunate truth is sometimes the journey to a beautiful baby ending up in your arms isn’t always beautiful, or simple, for many.
Sharing this now to release the beast that is still ragging inside of me.. I know if I don’t share in the throes of it all, I may gravitate towards positivity and/or not properly honour the grief this deserves (this is very unconscious for me).
Right before Christmas, we found out our baby no longer had a heartbeat. The same day we had planned to surprise our families with the news. I was gutted.
This is my second loss. This isn’t the journey I had planned, as I’m sure wasn’t what anyone had planned who has gone through this. I wish I could tell you I’ve been navigating through this gracefully, but it’s been very hard and my heart has been full of firey, heart-aching pain. Add a pandemic and isolation... it’s rough.
A lot of my healing thus far has been found in connecting with other women who “get this” (alongside the support of my husband). Women who can hold my space and understand how heartbreaking this feels. A doula community of my own, if you may (I truly believe this is essential!) Even though miscarriage is common (1 in 4 pregnancies), it doesn’t diminish the devastation that comes alongside it. It’s the end of a beautiful dream...
The last year has been a year of trusting.. in myself, in my body and in God’s/The Universe’s divine timing. As horrible as this has been, I am slowly turning a corner and returning back to my roots, learning to trust again. Baby Mundy is calling and through all this noise, I’m still listening. I know our sweet little star seed is waiting for us to call him home. Whenever you’re ready, my love.
I know how lonely pregnancy loss can feel. And I know that trauma doesn’t just go away. I also know how an aching mother’s heart feels... ooohhhhh do I ever know how that feels 💔
If I can support one woman going through this right now, then sharing my story will be worth it. My wish is that every woman who has experienced loss, or is TTC has someone to hold their space.. love on them.. make them feel safe. No one should go through this alone. My DMs are open, welcoming and safe. I’m ready to listen 💛 if you are needing extra support, send me a message that says “resources” — I will send them your way, no questions asked. If you’ve made it this far, thank you for taking the time to listen 🙏🏼
