Intentional Psychology

28/08/2025

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22/08/2025

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09/05/2025

Most approaches to sibling rivalry miss the mark—because they focus on the wrong thing.

It’s not just about toys or turns. There’s a deeper psychological triangle at play: kids are often competing for attention and power—not the item itself.

Here’s how to shift the dynamic and build emotional intelligence at the same time:

Step 1: Regulate first.
If your child is dysregulated, no strategy will land. Use coregulation: lower your voice, stay calm, and help them settle. Only then can they engage.

Step 2: Neutralize the parent position.
Instead of jumping in as the referee (“Who had it first?!”), say:
“I see two kids who both want the same thing. I’m confident you can figure this out.”

This takes you out of the judge role and puts the problem back in their hands.

Step 3: Activate collaboration.
Ask the magic question:
“What’s a solution that feels good to both of you?”
This sparks creativity and problem-solving instead of power struggles.

Step 4: Reinforce the sibling bond.
Celebrate their teamwork:
“You figured that out together! Your relationship is so important.”

Why it works:
This method transforms competition into connection—and teaches lifelong skills like emotional regulation, negotiation, and empathy.

The Triangle Method isn’t just about resolving conflict—it’s about shaping future relationships.

08/05/2025

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Almost 1 in 5 Canadians who needed mental health support didn’t reach out because they were uncomfortable talking about their struggles.

Speaking up, seeking help, and supporting others saves lives. 💚

If you or someone you know is struggling, support is just a call or click away.

You are never alone. Reach out today.

www.gnb.ca/mentalhealth

06/05/2025

Enjoy your journey.

Enjoy what and who is in your life right now.

Enjoy the little moments—quiet mornings, inside jokes, unexpected kindness.
Enjoy the big ones too—milestones, celebrations, the times that take your breath away.

Be present.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t plan for the future or grieve the past.
There’s room for those things too.
But don’t live there.
Don’t stay there so long that you miss what’s right in front of you.

One day, you might wish you’d soaked it in a little more.
So take a breath.
Take it in.
Enjoy it—now, while it’s here.

05/05/2025

“I just don’t want to deal with this.” “I’ve just got too much going on.”
Sound familiar?

I’ve learned (sometimes the hard way) that withdrawing completely — even when you feel hurt or overwhelmed — doesn’t lead to healing. In close family relationships, like in partnerships, how we take space matters just as much as why.

In the past, I’ve thought pulling away was self-protection. I told myself I was just giving things time to cool down. But looking back, I can see that silence or distance — when not communicated clearly — can feel like punishment to the other person. It sends a message, whether intentional or not:
“You don’t deserve connection with me.” Or “I don’t care about you enough to put effort into resolving this.”

That message can deepen wounds and reinforce disconnection — especially when relationships already feel fragile.

If we truly want to preserve (or rebuild) a relationship, space needs to be taken with care. Here’s how:
1. Name why you need space
“I’m feeling overwhelmed and need a bit of time so I can come back to this with a clearer head.”
2. Say when you’ll come back
“I just need a day or two to process things. I really do want to keep talking when I’m in a better headspace.”

This isn’t about fixing everything at once. It’s about staying connected, even in the hard moments. That’s how trust is rebuilt. That’s how we make space — not just for ourselves — but for the relationship to grow into something better.

04/05/2025

I’ve been thinking a lot about how quickly we share things online — especially the posts that hit us emotionally. Sometimes we repost not because we’ve verified the facts, but because the feeling it gave us was so strong, we want others to feel it too. We want to stand for something, to show we care, to be part of the moment. And honestly, sometimes we also want the validation that comes from people liking and sharing what we say.

But when we share before we verify, even with the best intentions, we risk spreading misinformation — and that can be harmful, especially to vulnerable people or important causes.

This isn’t about blame. It’s just a reminder (to myself too):
Feel it — then fact-check it.
Pause before you post.
Truth matters more than clicks.

Even if something sounds logical or like something an opposing candidate would do, it’s easy to react emotionally and share it without verifying. But when we do that, we risk spreading misinformation just because it confirms our feelings. We all need to pause and check — even (especially) when it fits our narrative.

Let’s keep caring, but let’s make sure we’re careful too.

Here’s what’s often at play, even if unconsciously:
1. Emotional resonance: A post sparks outrage, empathy, or fear—and we want others to feel it too. Sharing becomes a way of spreading the emotional charge.
2. Moral alignment: We want people to know what we stand for, and resharing emotionally charged content signals our values—especially in political or social issues.
3. Social reinforcement: Posts that trigger strong emotions tend to get more likes, shares, and engagement. Our brains register that attention as validation, even if we don’t realize we’re chasing it.
4. Speed over certainty: In the rush to be first or loudest, we sometimes share before we verify—because being part of the moment feels urgent.

It’s not always attention-seeking in a shallow way. Often, it’s about wanting to belong, to be seen as someone who cares, or to feel empowered in a situation that feels out of our control. But when it leads to misinformation, it can hurt the very causes we care about.

03/05/2025

We’ve all said it—“I’m just not good at that.”
Maybe it was about something practical, like budgeting or public speaking.
Maybe it was something more emotional, like setting boundaries or handling conflict.

It sounds like a simple statement of fact.
But more often than not, it’s a cover for something deeper.

“I’m just not good at that.”
Let’s pause on that for a second.

Because often, when people say this—or “That’s just not my thing”—they’re not talking about actual skill.
They’re talking about how it feels to try something unfamiliar, hard, or uncomfortable.

What they’re really saying is:
• “I feel awkward doing that.”
• “I feel exposed, frustrated, or behind.”
• “It brings up shame or comparison.”

This is emotional reasoning in disguise:

“Because this feels bad, it must mean I’m bad at it. I’m not meant for this.”

But feelings aren’t facts.
And “I’m not good at this” often just means:

“I haven’t practiced this skill in a way that felt safe, supported, or consistent.”

Think about how many things you’re now good at that once felt impossible:
Reading. Driving. Riding a bike, graduating from high school, Having hard conversations. Setting boundaries. Parenting. Public speaking. Conflict repair.

Every single one of those likely involved discomfort, doubt, and a few clumsy beginnings.

So the next time you hear yourself say, “That’s just not my thing,” pause and ask:

“Is that really true? Or have I just never been guided through the messy middle of learning it?”

Because you’re allowed to struggle.
You’re allowed to be new.
And you’re allowed to become someone who’s good at things that once terrified you.

03/05/2025

1. Discomfort Isn’t Always a Danger Signal

Emotional Reasoning & Misinterpretation of Threat

Our brains evolved to protect us from harm. So when we feel fear, shame, awkwardness, or anxiety, the brain may interpret that as “This is unsafe. Abort mission.” That’s emotional reasoning:

“I feel bad, so something must be wrong.”

But in reality, those emotions often show up when we’re:
• Doing something unfamiliar
• Taking a risk
• Stretching our identity
• Practicing a skill we care about but haven’t yet mastered

In ACT, this is where defusion comes in—learning to notice a thought or feeling (“This feels bad!”) without taking it as literal truth.

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2. Window of Tolerance

Key concept: Emotion regulation & nervous system arousal
Your window of tolerance is the range in which your nervous system can stay regulated while exposed to stress or challenge.
• Inside the window = discomfort you can manage
• Outside the window = you flip into fight/flight (hyperarousal) or freeze/shut down (hypoarousal)

Growth happens when we stretch our window—not by pushing past it recklessly, but by gently expanding it through practice and support.

Example: Practicing public speaking in small, manageable steps—enough to activate some anxiety, but not so much that you shut down completely.

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3. Exposure Therapy & Inhibitory Learning

Key concept: Learning to tolerate feared experiences through repetition
In exposure therapy, the goal isn’t to eliminate discomfort—it’s to change your relationship to it.
You learn:
• I can feel this and stay present.
• The feeling will rise and fall.
• What I feared doesn’t actually happen.
• Avoidance keeps the fear strong; approach weakens it.

In your example of the future teacher terrified of public speaking:
They’re not learning that speaking is safe through logic.
They learn it by doing the scary thing, feeling the discomfort, and seeing that they survive.

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4. Values-Based Living (ACT Principle)

Key concept: Living meaningfully means walking through discomfort
One of ACT’s central teachings is that pursuing a meaningful life often involves doing hard things.
We’re not trying to feel good—we’re trying to live well.
And that means:

Doing uncomfortable things in the service of something deeply important to us.

So when someone says, “This doesn’t feel right,” they might be:
• Avoiding emotional discomfort
• Misinterpreting fear as misalignment
• Letting feelings dictate action rather than values

The key is to pause and ask:

“Does this feel wrong because it violates my values?
Or does it feel wrong because it’s stretching me in a new direction I care about?”

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5. Psychological Flexibility

Key concept: The ability to stay open, aware, and engaged in the service of values
Psychological flexibility is what allows us to:
• Feel discomfort without acting on it impulsively
• Make space for difficult emotions
• Choose action based on what we care about—not just what feels safe or easy

It’s the core of ACT, and one of the strongest predictors of mental well-being.

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Bringing It All Together

When someone says, “This doesn’t feel right,” it’s important to explore:
• Is this emotion a sign of misalignment—or meaningful challenge?
• Is this a value conflict—or emotional avoidance?
• Am I outside my window of tolerance—or learning to stretch it?

Because when we avoid everything that feels uncomfortable, we avoid growth.

And when we learn to stay with discomfort in service of what matters, we build strength, resilience, and a life aligned with our values.

01/05/2025

Part 7 Healthy Relationship Patterns

Taking responsibility for our emotions doesn’t mean we stop caring about other people’s.

It doesn’t mean we say, “That’s your problem.”
It doesn’t mean we become emotionally detached or cold.
It means we understand this:

My emotions are mine to notice, feel, and work through.
Your emotions are yours.
And we can still care about each other deeply in the process.

Empathy is saying:
“I may not feel what you feel, but I want to understand what this is like for you.”

Responsibility is saying:
“I’ll work with what’s coming up inside me, and I won’t expect you to carry it or fix it.”

When we own our emotional experience, we’re actually more available for connection—because we’re not constantly asking others to manage our inner world for us.

We can say things like:
• “That hurt me, and I know you didn’t mean to.”
• “I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m going to take a moment and come back to this.”
• “I’m not blaming you—I’m just sharing how it landed for me.”

Empathy isn’t about absorbing someone else’s emotions—it’s about respecting them.
And the more we respect our own emotional process, the easier it is to meet others with care, clarity, and presence.

28/04/2025

“That’s Just How I Am” — Why Growth Matters

It’s natural to want to be accepted for who we are. We all need spaces where we feel loved and valued without having to pretend or hide parts of ourselves.

But sometimes, the idea of “accept me as I am” can be used as a shield to avoid looking at the ways we might be hurting ourselves — or the people we care about most.

When we say “that’s just how I am” without reflection, we risk getting stuck in patterns that keep us unhappy, disconnected, and repeating the same painful cycles. It can trap us in a fixed mindset — the belief that our traits are permanent and unchangeable — and block the possibility of personal growth, healing, and stronger relationships.

Imagine a partner who tends to lash out when stressed. Instead of acknowledging the impact their anger has on their loved ones, they dismiss concerns by saying, “That’s just how I handle stress. Deal with it.”
Over time, the people around them might start walking on eggshells, emotional walls go up, and real intimacy fades. Not because they’re a bad person — but because refusing to reflect or change prevents healthier patterns from taking root.

Or picture a friend who frequently cancels plans last-minute, causing hurt and frustration. Instead of listening and adapting, they say, “That’s just who I am — I’m spontaneous.”
Without any willingness to recognize the impact, trust erodes.

None of us are perfect. Growth doesn’t mean we have to erase who we are or meet impossible standards.
It means being willing to ask ourselves hard questions:
• Are my actions aligning with the kind of person I want to be?
• How are my habits or reactions affecting the people I love — and myself?
• Is there room to stretch, adapt, and build healthier patterns?

Research shows that embracing a growth mindset — the belief that we can learn, adapt, and improve — leads to better mental health, stronger relationships, and greater resilience.

Healing often requires self-acceptance and self-responsibility at the same time. We are both inherently worthy and capable of change.

Emotional maturity isn’t about becoming perfect. It’s about recognizing when something we’re doing isn’t serving us or others anymore — and choosing to grow because we care.

Real strength isn’t in refusing to change. It’s in having the courage to keep becoming a better version of ourselves, again and again.