15/07/2024
Petals,
You are allowed to mourn the plans you made, dreams you’ve coddled for a lifetime.
I moved around so much as a kid (and as an adult, tbh) that the only thing I ever wanted was a home base, a place I could settle into, adventure out of, and always return. My own home was something I remember dreaming of when I was ten, and never seemed like *that* crazy a dream.
Ha. Well.
Now I’m in my 40s and let me tell you—I feel like such a massive failure for not being where I wanted to be, or even where others my age “should” be (and have been). That I will probably never realize that dream? To say it’s heartbreaking doesn’t even come close to describing the meltdown-on-the-kitchen floor feeling of abject failure I get when I let myself think about what “otherwise” looks like.
But I know it’s an opportunity. An opportunity to embrace that freedom I’m always on about and redefine my idea of “home” (and yes, it pains me to say that—doesn’t mean it’s not true). And, yes, I know, I have a roof over my head (at least, at least, at least—you know how I feel about at least), but this defeat (my words) is something I have no choice but to roll over, redefine, and move on from.
All that’s to say—you are allowed to be disappointed. You are allowed to be wrecked by disappointment. You can feel like a failure, despite other so-called wins. You had pinned your fragile, expansive heart on a thing. That deserves to be mourned. Grieve, yes, but then redefine. Slant your hope (essential to life) and send it toward some other, more tangible star.