Aki PSychology

10/11/2022

I LOVE YOU/HATE YOU-THE PARADOX OF LOVE AT BORDERLINE

A characteristic of borderline disorder is extreme impulsivity, behind which a lot of charge is hidden. People who have borderline or as it is also called "Borderline personality disorder" have some of the following tendencies: excess in alcohol, s*x, drugs, strong jealousy, various risky situations; a fast car ride, repeating chaos in relationships, they love dramas for one reason, to avoid feeling the pain that is often the basis of their reality, due to the traumas they have experienced. The main internal struggle of the borderline is: "When are you going to throw me away/don't throw me away!", needs versus fear of abandonment. The whole dynamic is organized in the style of don't throw me away, an attempt to avoid separation anxiety. People who have strong tendencies of this disorder have such a great fear of abandonment or rejection, that they will even create a situation for themselves to be abandoned or they will leave you first, then come back. One of the characteristics is - I want to connect with you, I want to enter you and that's where the problem arises (I don't have it in me and if I grab, if I receive already in contact, anger, irritation and frustration arise "I NEED YOU" is not completed to the end and "I HATE YOU" TE"). They also feel a lot of shame, which has to do with the false image of worthlessness, which they have been led to believe by the environment.
If you have so much pain in your system, even the smallest things seem to be a problem. You can't clean the house, you can't take your car in for repairs, some of the simplest, most practical things are ticking.
It is actually difficult to notice a person with this disorder, they seem charismatic, positive, they can be very interesting and vibrant, and the connection with them can be extremely deep at first. A relationship with a person with this disorder is very challenging and requires a lot of work on yourself, a lot of COMPASSION and a sense of constancy in your partner, but if you stay with them they can reward you with a depth of connection and feelings that you will not easily forget.
The biggest problem is that there is a lack of real insight into the situation, they don't see the problem as it really is, but unconsciously, they filter it from their point of view through former experiences from the past. They usually project the problem and blame onto someone else and that defense mechanism doesn't allow them to face their own parts, too much energy and passion is in the fact that the OTHER PERSON IS FAULTY, they don't see their own part.
Their energy greatly affects the energy field of the person with whom they are in a relationship.
When you are with a borderline or narcissist partner, you are sucked into their orbit and values. With a borderline, you can become more insecure, fear of being left behind, the feeling that you are suddenly walking on eggshells...
Most of this occurs in very early childhood, but tendencies can also develop through a partner relationship. If there was shock, being in a state of shock, when someone constantly confuses you, hot/cold, when a person suddenly says an ugly or aggressive word out of a nice energy because something in them is triggered, and we don't know what is suddenly happening, puts images in the head that are very unpleasant and cause ugly feelings, if the person implies the situations "I cheated on you/I didn't cheat on you", it raises your adrenaline through fun (which it is not). to the body" as far as the spectrum of emotions is concerned. This means constant "shock tactics" (if we are "adrenalized" 6-7 times a day, we are not used to processing all that stress, it is too much for the system).
This is just a banal example; the partner is wonderful and beautiful and full of great outpourings of love, but when a bill arrives at the house, he gets angry to the point of hitting, breaking something in the house or swearing.
What does that do to you? How do you feel?
You are in a state of shock for the next three days, your body is overwhelmed, you ask yourself incoherent questions, is he really angry with you or? ... you don't understand. Will it happen again today, tomorrow, WHEN?? Such situations are related to a partner relationship, imagine this kind of environment in childhood...
And you are no longer with that parent, or with that partner, but when you look at the bills in your new apartment, you feel fear, the trauma remains in your body. New neurotransmitters are built in the brain between bills, insecurity and stress etc.
This state of grave insecurity causes borderline tendencies, whether it's about the other person's aggressive steps to give love and attention and then disappearing, criticizing, devaluing or provoking. The point is the following: "If it is not as I say, there will be a negative consequence, in short there will be a punishment 🙂 "
If a person has narcissistic tendencies, he will not be able to bear that you are good and he is bad ("You should suffer like her"). Usually, the other person then has an urge to "fix" things, so the other person then goes into "What's up honey?" and tries to balance the first person, and thus a matrix of behavior is created, which currently ignites the border but does not lead to healing.Borderline relationships are a creative and imaginative way to keep a person in fear. I give you everything, so I don't give you, I give you more than anyone, so you are worth nothing. And so the wheel of fortune turns. Both in the day and in the belly of a person. That's what it feels like to be a slave. The borderline connection has an incredible attractive force and the partner has a hard time leaving the relationship, they are already spinning in the same circle. The partner has the feeling that no one will ever love him like that person, but no one hates him that much :-). It is either black or white, there is no gray.
People who have borderline disorder are actually NOT BAD people, but they are extremely sensitive, they live in a constant feeling that the war is not over yet, that the enemy is attacking and often the environment is falling apart. If a borderline partner feels the hurt of abandonment that is basic from before, it will cause indescribable rage and aggressive reactions. After firing, he calms down and can feel and show love for his partner, with the same intensity and passion as before.

Borderline is actually a person who has a lot of qualities, they are passionate, special and can be very interesting and intense with them.
The relationship with the border can also be a great mirror for the partner to work on himself. It will touch all your unresolved issues and energies, it is a collection or a huge force of unresolved energies. Body-oriented therapy really helps with the borderline, but the partner will need it too.
Well, here is a song in that tone 🙂

10/11/2022

05/11/2022

Hope you find something informative or helpful🥰

05/11/2022

WHY EMPATHS NEED TO STOP "BEING NICE"

Do you find it difficult to set boundaries because you put the needs of others before your own, or maybe because you don't even know what you want?
If you say NO, do you feel guilty or think you will lose someone?
Do you even know you have that right?
Today I will talk to you sensitive people, why is it so difficult for you...
There is a need in us to draw a line separating our personal happiness, integrity, our personal wants and needs and generally our truth from other people. These are rules of behavior created on the basis of beliefs, attitudes, past experiences and social learning. If I were to translate boundaries into the simplest language, I would say that they include what feels good in the body and what does not feel good in the body. The main problem is not that others violate our boundaries, but that we do it, here's how:
- when we answer with YES and mean NO (if you say yes and you mean no internal resistance is created because the energy cannot disappear and then people do not understand why you are passive aggressive)
- if we are silent and have something to say
- if we feel guilty when we express our needs
- if we react despite our values, to please others ("pr******te archetype")
- if we don't express ourselves when someone treats us badly
- when we allow other people's instant desires or needs to distract us from what we are doing right now for ourselves
- if we are too involved in other people's difficulties (pay attention if you give advice when no one asks for it)
We said that an empath is a person who draws other people's emotions into himself, easily puts himself in other people's shoes and has a problem with pathological giving in relationships. Why are they even a problem at the border?!
Empaths have been trained from an early age not to pay attention to their own emotions, but to those of others. A large number of empaths grew up in an environment where they had to develop the ability to read emotions before "getting hurt" or were surrounded by people who only loved them if they respected their needs and if others were "the ones who matter". If we have to react in one way and feel another way, such experiences can adapt us to empathic behavior.
This issue can raise many fears and unresolved questions. An empath does not generally believe that he has the right to set a limit, if he sets it, a feeling of guilt arises. For empaths, when they listen to someone's problem, it is easier to do something because the anxiety of their inner aspect rises, the part where they have not received support. He is often ashamed that he is not a "good person" if he refuses, that he is selfish. They listen to their truth when it does not create conflicts, they do not understand that by not listening to themselves, they cause themselves the biggest problems in life.
An empath does not know himself if he invests his whole life in interest in another and wants to be a solution to someone else's problem, how can he get to know himself. So, in order to set boundaries, one must KNOW HIMSELF more deeply.
What our limits are, unfortunately, no one can tell us, not the society we live in, not friends, rules, not parents, but mostly ourselves, if we follow how we feel. I don't see a better way than to start by observing your emotions. One can start with very simple things, do I prefer vanilla or strawberry ice cream, try both, see which one tastes better for us, adapt such a system to everyone. Boundaries are not for defense against other people, they are built spontaneously with knowing the truth of what suits us and what doesn't and saying it, starting with the smallest things. That is why it is important that we are in touch with what we feel every day.
It is important for an empath not to become INSENSITIVE, he should accept his gift of highly sensitive perception, but also correct that "wrong Drina" that came in the package. The latest psychological research shows that the greatest human need, the need for connection (previously thought to be s*xual), the more quality connections we have, the better we feel. The point is not to set rigid boundaries, to put a fence around ourselves as if we are defending ourselves from others, boundaries are not for punishing others and for inaccessibility, but to which I said YES, to know where we start and where we end.
Here are some ideas on how to set boundaries, although it may raise anxiety in you if you are in this problem, but I encourage you to do it anyway. Once you understand that you have the right to it, then this becomes very easy, later relationships are much easier, and others will eventually thank you for the feeling of honesty that will be born between you. First you need to become aware of the problem, see who you are giving your time, services, resources and why?
You can check for yourself, write on paper 5 things you are dissatisfied with in life, whether they are situations or relationships, ask yourself the question: am I crossing my boundaries in any of these situations or relationships, how do I really feel about these experiences? A "true empath" will find at least 4 items that are related to the problem of boundaries.
Make the auto-yes mode aware, give yourself some other variant, e.g. I'll think about it and get back to you to see what I have planned (the more you do it, the more personal power you will feel in life)
Pay attention to the lies you tell yourself to avoid conflict, when you justify other people's bad behavior because it also blocks intimacy, conflicts are not bad sometimes.😊
And finally, empaths, stop "BEING GOOD"!

05/11/2022

WHEN "NEEDED" AND "UNAVAILABLE" FALL IN LOVE

This dynamic I am writing about is the dynamic in a love relationship where I will call one NEEDED and the other UNAVAILABLE.
This dynamic is common in love relationships, but it can also be projected onto friendships and business relationships... People FREQUENTLY change roles in this type of dynamic. The first person is a person who seeks connection, wants to understand, has a drive for more, to pe*****te the other, for contact. The second position in this dynamic feels it as suffocation and "WHAT IS NOT RIGHT NOW AGAIN".
There are primary and secondary emotions in every person and position of this dynamic.
Let me explain.
Primary emotions are deeper, vulnerable emotions that we have as human beings, namely: sadness
Fear
shame
loneliness
Secondary are reactive emotions, they react to primary ones because we do not feel comfortable with primary ones and do not express them. We are ashamed to express the primary.
The expression of secondary emotions is easier, it is not vulnerable and is mostly related to the expression of anger and criticism.
Primary emotions are those that attract partners and secondary emotions separate them. Socialization teaches us to be strong and there is a ERROR.
The primary emotions in "NEED" are actually unfulfilled emotional needs (for love, security, attention...). That person does not show how they are because of the shame that is triggered, then they go into a rage. I will give an example; a person is waiting for her husband/wife from work (she can't wait for him to come, she is eager for his attention), when he/she comes in and turns on the TV she/he changes her mood and starts criticizing: "You didn't take out the trash, my suitcase is full that I have to constantly me!" (anger rises and is discharged on things that are not at all important to the person at that moment). Then the feeling occurs in the other person (UNAVAILABLE) that he does not know what is wrong: "whatever I do is not good enough". There is a sense of meaninglessness and helplessness, and this forces the person in this position to shut down even more, which drives the first person to reach out even more for the other, to be even more angry and to criticize more strongly. And so a Vicious CIRCLE is created.
So the primary emotions in the second position are the feeling of helplessness and despair, and the more "need" wants to be connected and shows it with anger, the latter closes down more and more, because anger is a defense and a secondary feeling, and below that is what is important. On the other hand, the more the other person withdraws and closes off, the person from the first position feels insignificant and alone, these are his primary feelings.

The solution is
quite simple but also delicate. We need to learn to EXPRESS our primary emotions without defense and directly express the need for connection, clearly defined. When a person gets angry, he wants contact, when a person withdraws, he feels that he is not worthy of love and wants to regulate the feeling of rejection. .
It is important to express your emotions in a vulnerable way, e.g. "You know, I couldn't wait for you to come home from work, and when you turned on the TV, I felt alone and that you don't really care about me, and I have such a need to be by your side, to hold your hand now and talk about how I felt today." . The second person then does not shut down, but peeks into his capacity, how he feels and gives at least the part that the first person wants, and for the rest he can say that now it's like this, and later in the evening we can continue, now I'm really tired (at least).
Healing is in accepting that part of us that is necessary and that part of the other is afraid of contact and complete surrender. Don't be ashamed, be in that part and ask for what we want, if that person can't give it at that moment, remind them for later or ask in another form, from someone else.
Being vulnerable, direct and honest, expressing what's really underneath, that's the way to heal relationships and the real communication we long for...
It depends on the perspective, a lot can be gained in healing, if a person opens up to the primal emotions. What is the problem is the SRAM of that part, especially in people who fall into neediness. A wrong learned idea arises in this process that people must "show off" that immature part of themselves and not show that part because it is a weakness and should be hidden... NO, healing is in accepting and having the right to that part; "I'm in need now and I want you to give me this and that..." and searching where there is something for you...and there is, whoever seeks finds that

05/11/2022

PHOBIA AND ITS CAUSES
Nowadays, many people feel fear. The atmosphere, the image, the imputation, the information, because of the situation in which we find ourselves, is a suitable ground for the current fear to be touched by some cleaned up, past.
When emotions that we once put away come to the surface, they seem to have something to do with the real situation, but the story is much deeper. It was interesting for me to see, while doing therapy on the topic of concussions, how many different things were under the emotion of fear. It is interesting that the same disaster (earthquake) raises anxiety in a person, but the underlying fears are different. For someone, the worst thing is if he is left without property (property is me-self-image), for another it is irrelevant, but the worst thing for him is: "What if I die alone", or e.g. "The worst feeling is not knowing when the earthquake will happen again (no control over the situation, uncertainty, constant vigilance - known from before).
Of course, there are real situations to be afraid of, but often it is just a copy of some ancient fear, which through contact with "real" danger is raised along with the old story. Since we are in the time we are in, this may be an interesting topic for those who feel it excessively. Today I will talk a little about phobias.
A phobia is an irrational reaction. Modern psychoanalysis begins with the phenomenon of phobias and female hysteria (S. Freud, for example, was afraid of traveling by train and the telephone).
Phobias are children's fears mainly, a disproportion between the external stimulus and our reaction.
If we want to get to know the structure of our unconscious, the easiest way to get to know it is through phobias.
A phobia in itself makes no sense, the worst thing we can say to a person with a phobia is "You have nothing to fear". The basic approach of the work is psychoanalytic, although there is also a non-psychoanalytic one. The first is a biological theory, the second is a trauma theory.
If phobias have a character, who are the objects of the phobia?
A phobia is a conditioned reaction to a certain experience (if you were to analyze the object of the phobia, you would realize that, for example, the fear of dogs has many elements that have nothing to do with dogs).
A phobia tends to condense, it will concentrate our fragmented parts of the unconscious into one image and as such, it is the psyche's attempt to resolve the situation and offers us to look at it. In that image (the one we fear) we can see what we are unconsciously structured from. Just seeing the rational will not change anything ("What are you afraid of, the darkness will do nothing for you").
What we fear most is that which has no form.
A phobia is a fear of one's own drive as a reaction to a frightening reaction. What we are talking about here is the awakening of a suppressed charge as a reaction to frustration.
Fears arise if we had to suppress the natural aggressive impulse of anger at the situation and we swallowed it, then that part attacks us. For example. the child experiences that the parent is potentially dangerous and this is unacceptable for the child, instead of the parent he displaces his fear onto something else, the process looks like this;
The first element - suppression (I don't hate dad, I love him)
The second element - projection (I don't want to hit dad, dad wants to hit me)
The third element - dad doesn't want to hit me, the wolf wants to bite me (fear of insects, rodents...)
The only thing a child can do is cut himself off from it and that energy goes into dissociation. Cut off energy will return to certain situations. Everything I push away comes back to us and attacks us,
That's how those parts that we renounced break away and become free, EVERYTHING THAT I PUSH AWAY FROM ME COMES BACK TO US AND ATTACKS US, OUR OWN PART.
Here are some examples and unconscious background causes:
fear of bees - somewhere we are afraid that they might sting us
fear of dogs - we are afraid of our own aggressiveness, there is always our part in the phobia - I have to find my dog
fear of the knife - fear of my s*x drive, the knife is a phallus, I suppress my libido somewhere
fear of castration - fear of one's own s*xual part
fear of women - fear of my own hatred of women (she is the object of my unworked, hatred of my mother)
schizophrenia - a huge amount of impulses remained in the body, a fragile ego
fear of airplanes - fear of letting go
paraphobia- fear of perverted s*xuality, fear of one's own beauty, s*xuality, sensuality, strength, (because if I show it I will be better than mom and mom will fall apart, reject me)
claustrophobic situations - being trapped, fear of losing control
fear of suffocation - the mother was too close, but also the following, if a person feels that they are suffocating, it specifically serves as a defense against the experience of sadness, a lot of sadness is repressed and the person avoids it for many years, has not worked through it and when it surfaces, suffocation as a reflex action it sabotages the healing process, meeting the sad part of oneself that has not mourned something
a school-phobic child gives the image of separation anxiety, the symbiosis is not yet complete, they cannot function alone, later the person can transfer the charge to the situation with the partner (separation or any possibility of losing the partner creates terrible pain).
fear of betrayal - in people who have a betrayal problem, the impulse "I need you!!!" is suppressed.
(that impulse attacks. Showing your need from the heart is a dangerous place “Don't go, be there, rightProtest is given to us naturally. If our protest is neutered, we will later e.g. very difficult to say to the boss "I don't want it". The consequences of trauma are not what caused the trauma, but what is not returned, a healthy sense of power is broken.
Anger is not an intrinsically destructive emotion, only when it is repressed.
If we want to overcome a phobia, we have to face ourselves.
Panic is a kind of fear related to "I will fall", the capacity of the "adult self" is not complete. In triggered situations, we return to feelings that are ours but children's
In a panic attack, two things happen - I will die or I will go crazy - we are afraid of something that has no form. We have to find out how I am with the fact that no one is there, what are all the feelings related to that? The solution to a panic attack is necessarily safe contact, because there was NO such thing, a long time ago the person should have been alone in huge feelings and there was no balance in safe contact, so the way out of a panic attack is to allow yourself to break down in front of someone (who has the capacity), that someone is with us in this, but does not demand anything from us and is not triggered by your process. All trapped feelings, shame, fear, and helplessness will come out there. Healing is that someone is stronger there, that he sees and accepts us, and that we can trust him and stay with all the feelings that attack us, through such contact integration occurs. We have to see what is attacking us. We are always attacked by what we cut ourselves off from, a series of feelings connected to it.
When working with a client, it is first important to build resources, a sense of security within the person.
In the therapeutic approach, one works on the symptom and the situation, the phobia is usually lost in the work with support and anger.
I wish everyone as little panic and fear in the future as possible, and as many beautiful and happy feelings as possible.

05/11/2022

WHY WE ARE BORED
We all sometimes encounter boredom, but there are people who suffer chronically from this problem. Today I'm going to look a little deeper into this kind of dynamic and find out what it's really all about?
Interests are focused attention. When we have our attention on something that interests us, we get involved in life, we start to feel movement instead of stagnation, and that's a good feeling of expansion. When we have an interest in something, we want to connect with it, learn more about it, expand it.
Boredom is the lack of steps in the direction of our interest. With boredom, we feel a lack of focus and are caught up in stagnation and boredom. Since this whole process is unconscious, if you go deeper and observe the thoughts "in boredom" you will notice that you are focusing on things that you do not have and cannot currently have. Sometimes it is some external thing that prevents us from going in the direction in which our desire leads us, but sometimes it is also a thought inside us that blocks us from going.
Imagine driving a car and having your foot on the accelerator and the brake at the same time. Because we don't want to see and be there with our own thoughts, we only feel boredom, fatigue or impatience. Tiredness and impatience are the two sisters of boredom. The feeling of impatience comes when we unconsciously want to capture a sense of purpose and focus at any cost. It arises in situations when we subconsciously suspect that what we want will not be achievable, and the doubt arises because of earlier situations that ended just like that.
If in childhood our wishes were often forbidden (parents and the environment are the authority that determines the rules), if there was a lot of stopping the spontaneous movement and wishes of the child, that dynamic remained written in us. Although we left our parents' home a long time ago, we still have in us one part of the direction of energy that holds the hand, which still fulfills the role of a former parent, and another direction, our own spontaneous impulse that moves according to desire. Those impulses collide and cancel each other out.
If you suffer from chronic boredom, then you have experienced a "loud NO!" many times. what you most wanted at that moment, you were stopped many times and this dynamic became a subconscious form of your own self-sabotage. Now there is no environment that prevents us, but that environment is now an aspect in us and acts from the inside "incognito".
There are two directions: YES, I want to go towards it AND NO, it won't happen (based on past experiences); the clash of these two opposing directions on the surface creates a feeling of boredom. Such a state in its essence is very painful and we want to escape from it, not to feel it.
What are we doing?
We distract ourselves from the feeling of frustration with food even though we are not hungry, video games, p**n movies, smoking, any other addiction..
In order to get out of the vicious circle, it is necessary to have an insight into which sentences and beliefs are standing on the brake and look for a way to convince ourselves that that rule is no longer valid, to find that other sentence so that your desired action becomes feasible. For example. you have the desire to talk to someone about your problem, and the gas brake says: "No one has time for me, everyone has their own problems, which are certainly bigger than mine, it's stupid to ask, it's best to solve my own problems anyway".
Then start questioning the belief: "What if this thought is not true?, Have I ever tried something different?, What thoughts and actions will lead me to have a person I can talk to now?" -practice those thoughts and take those actions.
What helps the entire transformation of the link between what we want and what is holding us back is awareness and recognition of thoughts, sentences, feelings, beneath the feeling of boredom. If we go deeper than this feeling on the surface, you will see that you don't really want this but something else, you don't accept reality as it is right now. You can choose another way, to be fully present. It involves making peace in the moment with what is now.
Boredom as a feeling can be interpreted as an invitation to accept what is at this moment without resistance or to go after what you want and to remove the brake, the choice is yours. You can freely allow yourself to get out of the prison of familiar recurring dissatisfaction and see what kind of surprise awaits you on the long side 😉

05/11/2022

CHRONIC FATIGUE
I decided to write about topics that are extremely interesting to me if we do a little background research. Today I'm writing about the reasons behind chronic fatigue without mentioning diet and sleep rhythm and other things that can easily be found on the Internet, I'll deal more with the psychological basis. There are several reasons for the formation of chronic fatigue, I will start the explanation very simply. Chronic fatigue is caused by chronically doing things we don't really want to do. Many of us have felt e.g. "burn out" syndrome. It happens in general because a lot of the work we did was led by an external will, which means for individuals to be strong, which is a very good thing if you don't go to the detriment of your own body and the signals that the body sends. We have stopped feeding ourselves from our own will that comes from within, internal motivation. And what was left in the end of the body was to rebel and tell us louder and louder: "I don't feel like it!".

Some of us have thinned out our schedule, we found ourselves in a situation where we simply don't have the energy anymore and we can't, and we gave up our crowded schedules, but the situation doesn't improve, the mind is still torturing us because even if it didn't work then is THINKING ABOUT THINGS that need to be done, the speech in the head keeps repeating "I should/must...". This is where the exhaustion of the body comes and the guilt that something is still needed (we can't just sit still).

People come up with various solutions: they change jobs, go on a strict diet, join a gym to boost their energy, and that's all good, even though there is no real solution here.

People who really suffer from chronic fatigue and have to be perfect here, still pull the "I HAVE TO" pattern and take the rules very seriously ("now I don't have to work in the afternoon anymore, I have to go to the gym"), it can even be a matter of deciding to we rest every afternoon, underneath that is "I have to do everything right". Such thinking creates a spasm in the body that does not give energy to pass and everything becomes a struggle. Doing the little things becomes difficult precisely because of that tension, "do or die". A familiar feeling?

How did we become autopilots? The love that was given to us was conditioned by what we did and achieved, not what we were, and of course we are still chasing those standards. These are the thoughts in our head, even when we are lying on the bed, our standards tell their story, the race is not over yet. We are tired of the race and I believe you that it is quite difficult to even notice where the standards have been imposed and where we are after years of chasing. Even if we take a person to the beach in Dubai and put him under an umbrella, bring him drinks and food, so that he does not have to move, his brain will still not STOP, because he will think about what else he "must" in the future and that he should not feel this way like sad. Such tension that the body carries causes fatigue, from which if we go to rest, where even during rest we think about what we should do and how to do it. The point is to really give our body what it needs.

Do we allow ourselves to do things in life without a reason behind it?!

Have you given yourself a day of the week that you don't have to do anything and that day you respect just that, being.. Have you given yourself an hour without guilt?. Have we become instead of human being human doing and then we get angry at the body that betrays us. The body only wants what belongs to it, it wants us to hear it.
I know that a lot of us think that today is simply such a time that it is impossible to live differently. Why can't it be done? Is it because we feel existential fear, or because if we don't do everything perfectly, we're not good enough? Who are we doing this for, for the authority, for the image that we have sucked, if we are like that then we are worth it, first for the parents and then later we project further on the authorities and people in the community. It also makes us tired of not being able to say the word "NO" and keep our boundaries, due to running to exhaustion trying to please everyone (to be good). This is actually about running for approval, a medal for your own worth because only we can be loved.

There is one more very important thing. Trauma in the system of a person who has this problem that we were not allowed to have a certain emotional space because we should have felt better, happier, improved in the eyes of the environment, it was not ok to be sad. Until we became the one who sacrifices our feelings for what is allowed and "should be".

People who suffer from this condition were often like good LISTENERS in life, but they did not share their emotional space with others, how they really feel (the part that is not representative, the weak or the necessary part), they kept that part to themselves.. They are usually people with this problem had a primary family where they would not receive acceptance for certain feelings, but could only be accepted when they "fixed themselves", "became cheerful", "in a better mood" and left that part of themselves. Unfortunately, this is what conditional love does to us.

Now this is a pretty big deal. What we have in common is that we want to feel better and are constantly improving in some way. We do not want to accept that