15/02/2026
Hi people,
Didn't have the energy for a video today, but wanted to write what the last day has been like.
Went for a long walk, and was thinking a lot about how i let my diagnosis become my identity. Also thinking about how my own reactions to things have hindered my progression through life. Why i haven't been able to feel safe around people, or able to feel their compassion and kindness, where i instead focused on how they are going to hurt me. Always looking for the signs of rejection. I know now it's not me who is causing it, but my inner child. The child who always had to hide in order to protect myself. That inner child who never felt love growing up, and the same child who has been shouting at me in my head, telling me that I'm not good enough. In effect, my Mum's voice on constant repeat, expressing disappointment and critique.
While i was in hospital, I began to research on different forums about my AVPD (Avoidance Personality Disorder), and found one thing that really hit home. It's called "LOVING-KINDNESS", and has been a great help. Basically, show compassion instead of frustration or anger, both to yourself and others. It has been a great way to change my approach to how i normally think about people, especially those i feel have wronged me. Instead of thinking they're all cnnts, I instead use this mantra: "May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be well and free from suffering. May you be in peace". Saying this to myself multiple times during the day, has been a big help. I especially use it when in contact with others, who I feel affect me in a negative way. Instead of thinking, "funk off", i instead, say this to them in my head. I then realise, that it's their problem, not mine, and I show compassion for their reduced ability to be a bit nicer. I did it about my family, and if lifted a lot off my shoulders. Being able to say it, and feel that compassion, made me sad, made me cry, but also helped me feel that I wasn't the one in the wrong all the time through my childhood. It has given me a new mental energy to not be angry at others, not be angry at myself, but instead, show love for them. In a way, it makes me feel sorry for them. I can't change others, just my own approach to things, and it's helping.
I know full well, there will be times that i break, or at least begin to feel like s**t again. However, using the combination of training everyday, meditation every day, and using the Loving-Kindness approach to myself and evertone i have contact with has created a feeling, that i now, after 48 years of mental torture due to my anxiety and feeling of no worth, that i can now have a better quality of life. It's still early days, and will require A LOT of discipline to maintain it, but knowing that I'm not alone is what motivates me.
I have attached a picture of my whiteboard, where i have written things that i need to remember everyday. The important things that i have realised over these past weeks, as well as my mantra. If i keep these up, i believe i will get on top.
I know i say it a lot, but I thank all of you who have supported me. You got me to a point, where i can develop these strategies to help myself. Before, i didn't see a reason due to my loneliness. But i now know I'm not a lone, and therefore worth the effort i have to use.
Thank You everyone đ„°đ„°
