23/03/2022
Life with a 3-8 week old baby when you’re breastfeeding is exactly like this for most of us!
A lot of my calls for help come from parents with a 3 to 8 week old. Here are some things I've gathered over the years. Warning, it's a long one!
The first couple of weeks after having a baby are a bit of a whirlwind. You're surprisingly busy with check ups and weigh ins, cards and presents arriving, visitors galore (or Skype and zoom calls galore!) figuring out nappy changes, working out how the heck to do up all the poppers on a baby gro at 3am...
You're still very much in the immediate recovery from birth phase and trying to take care of yourself. Partners are usually off work. People are offering lots of help, cooking and shopping and the like.
It seems that this first two weeks or so society 'allows' us to indulge in having a new baby.
Week 3 comes and things start to change.
Often, partners go back to work around this time. And the first few days are usually ok because we've been gearing up for it and not expecting too much of ourselves, but it gives our brain the message that 'we should be able to cope on our own by now' which frankly, couldn't be further from the truth.
We also try and take on more by ourselves at night so that they can sleep because they're working in the morning, so you're actually getting even more of the pressure. And if they do help at night you often feel (misplaced!) guilt about it.
So there we are with this message that 'we should be able to cope now' ticking along in our brains. Alongside this comes the massive crash of ...well I don't like to call it the novelty wearing off, but certainly the high that you run on after having them seems to take a big dump, and the reality of new life sets in. This is life now, indefinitely, how the heck am I actually meant to eat/sleep/use the loo/stay sane/get out the house/RAISE ANOTHER HUMAN and do it really well, pretty much all on my own? And I'm meant to be feeling happy! Everyone else is happy aren't they?
The midwives have discharged you by now, so even though there is still support out there, that feeling of easily accessible friendly faces has suddenly disappeared.
Your baby starts to change. They start to wake up to the world a little more. And whilst it's nice to see them spending more time alert, it does bring it's own issues. Am I meant to be playing with them? What am I supposed to do? Are his eyes meant to look in opposite directions?? Does he have wind? Am I not winding him properly?
This alertness brings with it some interesting changes.
Firstly, they do not like being put down. Not one bit. You can understand it from their perspective, they've spent all this time snuggled up inside you with constant warmth and movement, being put down is the opposite to that. Plus their survival instinct says 'don't put me down I'll get eaten by a bear'.
But what this means is, you have a feed, they pop off the b**b, you put them down all milk drunk and within minutes they wake up again, and, because they're a new baby, they look for the b**b for help.
It's normal! But it feels like something is wrong. You wonder if maybe they're not getting enough milk??
Look up the 4th trimester. Trust me.
Another issue these new alert spells bring with is tiredness. When they're awake they're absolutely bombarded with sights, smells, noises, sensations, and inevitably an adult in their face wanting to interact with them because they're so flipping cute. Its hugely overwhelming for them and it makes them crankyyy. So what do they want? B**b again! They can shut down and relax there. But it leaves you wondering again, are they getting enough milk? Alongside a healthy dose of 'am I making a rod for my own back by feeding and cuddling them so much?' No, you're not. It's normal. Its healthy. It's just what they need. You're wonderful.
The good news is, smiles are now not too far away! And there is something about those first smiles that just keeps you going. It's like magic.
Cluster feeding starts to rear its head at this point. Your partner gets in from work and you think 'Yes! Finally I can hand him over' but the baby has other ideas and wants to spend the entire evening either on the b**b or shouting at it. It's hard to figure out what's happening and people start talking about 'colic' and you wonder if you should buy some colic drops and accept your baby is a 'crier'. Your evenings are spent trying to comfort this distressed baby, which is heart wrenching, and if you do put them to the breast you feel like there isnt any milk there and your baby is not as relaxed during feeds.
You also have what feels like insane PMS at this time of the day too. Weepy and overwhelmed. The bed dread sets in. You wonder if you'll ever get time with your partner again.
Eventually, you discover from someone that babies want to spend the whole evening swapping from b**b to b**b, that it's normal. That soft breasts in an evening don't mean empty breasts, that it's ok to use the b**b to comfort them. That actually, whilst they're still fractious, there is a lot less crying when you let them feed more. You wonder whether you ever needed the colic drops. (Studies suggest they don't work, interestingly)
The first real growth spurt arrives! And it's a biggy! All of a sudden your baby just will not be off the breast for even a minute. You have several days of what feels like constant feeding, you're exhausted beyond belief, you feel like it's all falling apart and breastfeeding isnt working for you and your baby. That you're someone who can't produce enough milk. Your breasts feel empty and your baby is miserable. You may resent the baby. You may resent breastfeeding. But if you manage to push through those awful days you discover that it calms back down again just as quickly.
Why are you craving chocolate so very, very much! Shouldn't I be eating healthily for my milk? You know what? Yeah, we should all be eating healthily! But realistically do we? Not all the time no. Your milk will still be incredible even if you're ramming down slabs of cadbury. No, you won't make chocolate milk.
But your friend had to cut out dairy because their baby was so unsettled, maybe it's your chocolate consumption upsetting your baby!
Nah, dairy is fine for the very vast majority of babies unless they have an actual allergy which isn't as common as you think. Chomp away.
Your baby is suddenly NOISY. Grunting, groaning, straining, wriggly... even when they're asleep at night you can't sleep because you're watching them and thinking...are you awake? Do you need a feed? Surely you must be in pain with all that noise. It looks so uncomfortable! But they seem to be sleeping through it... especially around 4am onward when it's at its worst.
Someone mentions reflux and silent reflux. They suggest you raise the cot at one end. Holding them upright for 20 minutes after a feed. It doesn't seem to help. Spoiler alert, it's because this behaviour is normal. It's a pain in the bum, but it's normal. Their digestion is really immature at this point, it does get better.
You still haven't got the hang of latching and you're wondering if you're meant to be feeding in different positions. You've seen women in cafes feeding making it look as easy as breathing, and here you are still needing 18 hands, 7 pillows, 3 pints of water and toe curling pain. You speak to the gp because you've heard pain isn't normal. They prescribe you thrush treatment. A word of warning. It almost always turns out not to be thrush. It's extremely common to still be figuring out how to latch at this point and the pain is usually coming from that. Please reach out for experienced support with latching before considering medications.
You've never eaten so much in your life, aren't we meant to be getting back in our jeans?? (No. )
Around this age, we feel like we should at least be beginning to have our 's**t' together. We should be understanding our baby's different cries, we should know how to soothe them. We shouldn't be feeding all the time. We shouldn't be in pain. They should be sleeping in the moses basket or cot, not in our arms or on our breast. That we should start to be in some sort of a routine by now. But none of this is happening.
You. Are. Normal.
Up and down the country parents with 3 to 8 week olds feel like they're drowning. They can't figure out what's going on or how to sort it. Whether they're doing the right or wrong thing.
The answer, for your baby at least, is snuggle up and put them on the b**b. And if they're not on the b**b they want cuddling or rocking and that's ok! Get snacks. Watch Netflix. Trust your bodies that they know what they're doing. And if feeding hurts, get help. Even if doesn't, reach out.
Cut yourself some slack. You ARE doing brilliantly.
2/3-8 weeks sucks. Big time. But it gets so, so much better. I promise. Reach out x
