SEND HUGS, Chesham (2025)

28/10/2025

When my children were little, I couldn't understand people who rolled their eyes at the thought of school holidays, wanted them to be shorter and less frequent, and rejoiced at the idea of sending their children back to school.

Even though holidays get them out of routine, can cause huge anxiety, are a massive headache if you work (especially if you have children who can't access holiday clubs or other forms of childcare and have no family nearby), and can be a logistical nightmare even if you don't have a job outside the home, I see my children flagging after a few weeks of school and I know how much they need the rest and recuperation afforded by the holidays.

The expectations around many holidays, though, are immense. The expectation that you'll visit far-flung and rarely seen friends and relatives, have exciting days out, and generally plan activities, adventures and outings galore, all make planning a holiday stressful.

How many times have you heard someone say at the end of a holiday, "It was great, but now I need a holiday to recover"?

We have no big plans this half term. One of my son's friends is coming for tea on his birthday. My daughter has, very unusually, planned to meet up with her friends a couple of times. But we're not travelling far, we're not staying overnight away from home, and we're not having any big days out. It's a long haul until Christmas, and we all need to recharge our batteries and make sure we can keep going to the end of term.

I used to hate having to limit our holiday and weekend activities to make it possible for my children to have the mental and physical energy for school. It made their whole lives about school, and my daughter would regularly complain that she had no life.

These days, holidays are calmer and gentler. They involve lots of rest, lots of connection and lots of allowing the children to decide what they want to do.

As I write this, they're playing with my son's new computer, which arrived yesterday. They're happy, relaxed and laughing together.

It may last five minutes, it may last 30, but right now, there's nowhere I'd rather be than sitting here, listening to my children enjoy each other's company.
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Edited to add: The moment was over about two minutes after I wrote that. The meltdown that followed was spectacular, and is still ongoing. The issues behind the meltdown are huge, scary and unmanageable. But I still published the post, because in the moment, that was my reality.

27/10/2025

The scariest thing about this coming Friday isn't that it's my son's birthday, or even that it's Hallowe'en. It's that it's the national deadline for secondary school applications.

I shouldn't be having to go through this process.

My son should have had an EHCP long ago, but I was regularly told that he didn't need one.

I eventually applied myself, and his current school supported my application.

That was almost a year ago, and although the LA agreed to carry out an EHC Needs Assessment in January, we're still waiting.

The entire process from initial request for a needs assessment to issue of a final plan is required by law to be completed within 20 weeks.

Here in Buckinghamshire , the average waiting time is now three times the legal maximum.

The school application process for children with EHCPs is different, and we should have had the opportunity to name the secondary school we want him to attend. The school would then have had to give him a place unless one of two statutory exceptions applied.

The fact that we are still waiting for his EHCP means that we have to wait and see whether he gets a place at our preferred school based on distance from home - three years ago, our daughter just missed out.

If and when he eventually gets his EHCP, we'll have to go through more waiting while the school is consulted about whether it can meet his needs.

Ultimately, my son could end up not securing a place at the school we think will suit him best.

Of all the various possible scenarios that could follow, none will be in the best interests of a child who needs plenty of careful preparation to have a chance of a smooth transition to secondary school.

His entire secondary school career could be negatively impacted by this unlawful delay.

If I could go back in time and change one thing, it would be to have applied for his EHCP myself much earlier rather than wait in vain for someone to do it for me.

If you have a child in Year 4 and think they may need an EHCP to cope with secondary school, I would strongly recommend that you find out about current actual waiting times in your area and consider applying before they get to Year 5.

27/10/2025

This video came up on my Facebook memories today - my daughter's first and only ever taste of baby rice.

She was six months old, and it was the beginning of a month of frustration, as she refused every food I offered her.

I was a slow learner, but eventually I discovered that she would eat solid food - but only if she could feed it to herself.

She never allowed me to feed her with a spoon - not even medicine, and she insisted on pushing the plunger on the Calpol syringe herself.

My son was the complete opposite, opening his mouth like a little bird and happily swallowing everything that I spooned into it - as long as it smelt familiar.

With him, I quickly learnt that if I wanted him to try something new, it would only work if I put some of the new food on the spoon, then added something he already knew and liked in front of it.

He would open his mouth for the familiar food, and get a small taste of the new food at the same time.

He happily ate purées, because only the flavour changed (and only a little bit), and not the texture.

Can you tell which of my children has PDA (which many define as a pervasive demand for autonomy) and which has significant sensory processing issues?

The signs were always there, if I'd known what to look for.

26/10/2025

"Let's just wait and see how it goes when he starts school."

"He's only just started school - let's wait and see how he settles in."

"He seems OK for the moment - let's wait and see how it goes."

"We're not seeing what you describe at school - this seems to be a home problem."

"He does seem to be struggling a bit. We won't do anything until he has a diagnosis, but then let's see."

"He's been diagnosed, but it's nearly time for him to move to secondary school, so there's no point in starting the process now."

"Well, he's only just started secondary school, so we need to see for ourselves whether he needs support."

"We don't think he needs any extra help - he just needs to learn how to behave."

"We can't assess his needs if you can't get him into school."

"The law might be about to change, so there's no point in applying now."

"The waiting list is too long - I wouldn't bother."

"There are other children whose needs are more urgent - we need to deal with them first."

"It's too late to apply for exam access arrangements now - he'll just have to try harder."

"Well, if he'd spent more time in school and been less disruptive, he might have passed a few exams."

At what stage in this process do you decide enough is enough? When do you stop accepting the instruction to keep waiting and stand up for your child to receive the support they need?

If you know your child needs support, they have a right enshrined in law to receive that support now - not when they start school, not when they start to have trouble sitting still and listening to instructions, not when they start to have trouble going into school, and not when they fail their exams.

Schools are underresourced, teachers are overloaded, and children are suffering the consequences.

Instead of waiting for someone else to decide that the time is finally right, you can start the ball rolling yourself and apply for your child to have an education, health and care needs assessment which, if the need for one is established, will lead to an education, health and care plan being issued.

I'm planning another EHCP workshop on Saturday 22 November, venue TBC. Watch this space for details!

25/10/2025

Do you ever wonder whether other people are right?

"My child wouldn't be allowed to get away with that."

"You just need to show them who's boss."

"They have to learn that they can’t behave that way."

"They'd eat what you gave them if they didn't have a choice."

"You've spoilt them."

"They're just manipulating you."

These days, I usually just grit my teeth and nod along, because people with these views don't have the experience to change their minds.

Full disclosure - I thought the same for years.

My children were going to eat everything that was put in front of them, at the table as a family.

They would never talk back to me, swear, or have uncontrollable "tantrums".

They would understand the value of money.

They would have regular bedtimes, never have screens in their bedrooms, love reading, do well at school...

And I would be strict, but loving and fair.

In the middle of the night, I wonder whether the things these people say are true.

I beat myself up over the ways reality has turned out to be so different from what I confidently expected.

I wonder where I went wrong, and what I could have done differently.

And then I remember that I was strict, but loving and fair.

I did feed my children a varied diet, sitting at the table to eat home-cooked meals as a family.

I did have a strict bedtime routine, which we followed every single day.

In fact, I did everything the parenting books said I should.

But my children hadn't read the books. And they didn't react in the ways the parenting gurus said they should.

I could have carried on with those approaches regardless. And my walls would have more dents in them, I might have a few more missing banisters, and my children would still be permanently in fight or flight mode.

I chose to listen to what they needed, make them feel safe, and parent the children in front of me.

My parenting decisions have been conscious and backed up by research.

Our life isn't the way I pictured it, but it's the way my children need it to be. And that's enough for me.

24/10/2025

I run a couple of toddler groups on a Friday, and at this morning's session, someone mentioned that my petrol pumps were beginning to look a bit outdated.

So... welcome to the OLOPS SEND Toddler Group's EV charging station!

Today is our last session before we take two weeks off for half term, but we'd love to welcome new members from 14 November.

PM me for details if you're interested and in the Chesham/Amersham area, or look us up on the Bucks SEND Local Offer.

It’s on Fridays in term time from 1:00 to 2:15 and is specifically aimed at babies and children under 5 with special needs or disabilities with their parent or carer.

The cost is £1-£2 per session (suggested donation to help cover costs), and no diagnosis or referral is needed - if you think you and your child would benefit from this small, friendly and supportive group, please come along!

24/10/2025

It’s all in the marketing...

My Facebook memories reminded me this week of a half term holiday we took just before my son's third birthday.

Batman was his special interest at the time, and he lived for everything Batman. He had a Batman swimsuit and a new Batman towel for the holidays.

We were staying in a hotel with a swimming pool, and I couldn't persuade him to wear his armbands...
.. until I had an inspired idea and told him they were Batman muscles.

Then he wouldn't take them off for the rest of the holiday!

23/10/2025

How do you know when it’s time to say enough is enough and stop trying to work with the school and make your child go to school every day?

I asked this question four years ago, and have asked it regularly ever since.

Since the day I received her diagnosis and heard of PDA for the first time, one statistic in particular has never been far from my mind.

70% of children diagnosed with a PDA profile either aren't in school at all or regularly struggle to attend.

I've lost count of the number of times I've quoted that to various professionals, begging them to help me keep my child in the other 30%.

That battle was lost a long time ago - she may never have dropped out of school altogether, but she has regularly struggled to attend for several years.

But we've persevered, often against my better judgement, and as half term begins today, I can now tell you that she has achieved 100% attendance in October 2025. This is her first month of full attendance in about four years.

So what has changed?

Well, after a rocky start to this term, she's been able to do it because of measures put in place by the school to support her.

For the last four years, it's been a constant choice between taking her out of school or fighting for her to get an EHCP and receive the support she needed.

The fight for an EHCP won, and at the beginning of this month, the school started to implement it.

If they continue to follow it and to support her as she needs, it will cost both the school and the local authority money.

But how much more would it cost the country in the long term if she received no education and was unable to hold down a job?

It should never have taken four and a half years to get to this point. But is my child's EHCP a waste of money, and does she really "deserve" it?

It's levelling out some of the bumps in the playing field and enabling her to access the same education that most other children access without a second thought.

Her improved attendance means nothing in itself. But as a sign of the support she's receiving, it's something to celebrate. Her EHCP will be worth every minute I spent fighting for it if it means the support continues.

22/10/2025

Well, here's some positive news!

It seems the government has finally had to listen to the very real concerns of SEND parents, and has put back the publication of the white paper on education that was expected this month.

The current system is unworkable without major reforms, at least to its implementation.

If it had been properly funded and local authorities had obeyed the law from the start, it could have been a good system. Assessing the individual needs of children and preparing individualised plans which meet those needs is theoretically the right approach to ensure a level playing field for all children, especially combined with a robust SEND support system for those children whose needs are less severe.

But without the funding and training needed to implement it properly, the EHCP system was set up to fail from the moment it was introduced in 2014. A generation of children has been failed, not by the law but by a system-wide catastrophic failure to implement it properly.

The financial cost of failure has been enormous. Many LAs are on their knees and desperate to save money at all costs.

The human cost has been even greater. Thousands of children have been denied an education, and thousands of parents have been forced out of work and denied a livelihood.

The rhetoric over the last few months has been all about reducing the financial cost of EHCPs.

SEND parents and support groups have fought back, citing the human costs of denying children's rights still further.

And now it seems we have a change in direction. The inexorable drive for reform based on cuts alone has been seen as the political and human disaster it always was. The reforms are going to be considered through a different lens, and the views of parent groups will be sought.

This is fantastic news for the future, provided any new system is properly funded and properly implemented.

For today, we're still stuck in a broken system, still desperately underfunded, still riddled with delays and obfuscation. It's lucky we've got used to waiting, because now there's going to be more of it.

To borrow an American military term, it's SNAFU for now - situation normal, all f***ed up.

Link to the article: https://www.theguardian.com/education/2025/oct/22/white-paper-on-overhaul-of-send-provision-in-england-put-back-to-2026?fbclid=IwZnRzaANl9_hleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHrRkHdl76Yd2iolISwxzN4OLEUBXfMi_IsrOQ2suz3z6ubfheO08d4ZShPen_aem_uBykZmZUVITllTX_I4crWQ

22/10/2025

Wednesday Weigh-in

I've spent a lot of time at my desk this week.

I often eat mindlessly while I'm working or driving, but it's more because my mouth wants something to chew on than because I'm hungry.

A little while ago, my daughter introduced me to fruit flavoured sugar-free chewing gum. It feels like more of an indulgence than mint, and changing up the flavours makes it less boring.

They needn't think I haven't noticed that they're charging the same now for 46 pieces as they were charging a couple of years ago for 60, though.

Apparently I'm not the only thing shrinking!

Week 17 - DOWN 1 lb
Total so far - down 22.8 lbs

21/10/2025

We're getting ready for a birthday in this house - my son will be 11 in a few days.

In many ways, he'd prefer to forget all about it.

He's not excited about growing up, he hates surprises and changes to his routine, he doesn't really love getting new things, he finds receiving gifts awkward and embarrassing because he doesn't know how to react, he really struggles with the whole idea of parties, he doesn't like being the centre of attention, and he's not too fond of cake.

Apart from those minor issues, he's pretty excited!

Because he doesn't really enjoy birthdays, a couple of years ago we started a new thing.

We use the Hyperjar app for the children's pocket money, and I set up a new virtual "jar" in it, into which I pay a fixed amount each month.

Over a year, the amount I pay into this jar approximates to the amount I would usually spend on his birthday and Christmas presents in a year.

We call it his birthday jar, and I have agreed that he can use it to save up for the special things he wants.

To avoid putting too much pressure on the anxiety-producing big days, he can buy those items as soon as he's saved enough money, without having to wait for the next birthday or Christmas.

As luck would have it, it's been a long time since he last asked for anything big, but there is something he's wanted for years, and he happens to have enough money in his birthday jar to buy it in time for his actual birthday.

He (hopefully) won't have to wait for the actual day - it makes much more sense for him to be able to enjoy it during half term, and his birthday is at the end of half term.

We ordered his present together the other day, and since we ordered it, he has asked me approximately 98,635,246 times whether it’s arrived yet.

It’s probably the first time he's been this excited about a birthday since the year he burst into preschool the day after his birthday and announced to his teacher, "Miss F, guess what? I was four yesterday and I'm STILL four today!"

SEND HUGS

28/10/2025

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