22/11/2025
When I think about all the demands/expectations children navigate during a school day, (due to government standards meaning so much is crammed in) it makes sense that they might come home needing space and downtime. After holding so much together at school, I know I would need a break too.
Is demand avoidance the same as PDA? Is it something only autistic children experience?
Demand avoidance isn’t something that has been talked about for long. It’s only really since 2005 that clinicians have been describing a group of children for whom the demands of everyday life provoke extreme anxiety, thus (understandably) leading to avoidance. Pathological demand avoidance (PDA) is described as a profile of autism, and sometimes a diagnosis will be given of ‘autism with demand avoidance’, since PDA isn’t a formal diagnosis (which means it’s not in the diagnostic manuals).
I’m one of those people who had a ‘light bulb’ moment when I heard about PDA. It made such a lot of sense and described some behaviour which just seemed inexplicable. It felt like a seismic shift in how I understand some children and young people.
Knowledge is growing and expanding all the time, and one of the things which has changed for me over the last few years is that many people whose children are not autistic have got in touch with me to tell me that their kids are also demand avoidant. Parents of children with FASD, with ADHD, adopted/fostered children, traumatised children. Children with no diagnoses at all. Some of them seem to have been born demand avoidant, others have become demand avoidant after stressful experiences. The demand avoidant behaviour itself isn’t very different.
Why does this matter? Because I have met many children whose parents say ‘they aren’t autistic, so surely they can’t be demand avoidant? If it’s not demand avoidance, should I just be firmer and have stricter boundaries?’. Much of the information available only talks about autism, and doesn’t even consider that other children might also be demand avoidant. This means that those families are left out.
That’s why now I often talk about demand avoidant children (although I do also sometimes talk about PDA and I often talk about autism). Demand avoidance is a behaviour trait which is not exclusive to autistic people. It can be experienced by anyone, particularly at times of high stress. PDA is an autistic profile, and it include high levels of demand avoidance as well as other things. Demand avoidance, even a very high level of demand avoidance isn’t exclusive to PDA. I know this because I work with people who are not autistic as well as those who are.
So if you’re thinking that your child is demand avoidant, that doesn’t mean that they must be also autistic. If the description fits and you have a lightbulb moment – it just might be worth finding out more.
At the end of the month I’m talking about Helping your Demand Avoidant Child with Change. It’s about how to help children manage both planned and unexpected change. It’s for all parents of demand avoidant children – or even those who are just wondering, could this be us?
Lunchtime on Thursday November 27th. It is recorded.
https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/helping-your-demand-avoidant-child-with-change-tickets-1964030267400?aff=fb4
