20/01/2024
When you are young, you wait for the world to save you. You wait for that sorry note from your mother and a romance of a lifetime from that guy you had a crush on for the last three weeks. You think that a trip to Europe would ease your worries away, and a 'miss you' text from that one person whom you think about every day but still don't talk to will help you live a little better. You are alive in your head more than in this miserable physical world. You think that you are never going to be fine, and maybe this is the best that you can have. But when you grow older, everything changes. You realize that grand gestures and other people do not save you; mundane things in your everyday life do.
You do not daydream of trips to soothe your mind anymore. Instead, you stand in front of the balcony and look at the glowing orange moon while sipping your cold coffee, and somehow it makes you feel a little less lonely. It's as if the moon can look back at you and listen to all the rambles of your heart. You make a playlist for almost everything, from cooking in the kitchen to finishing the last episode of your new favourite show. It's like a time capsule that you revisit all the time just to remember how you've lived your life. You buy fifty books at the fair, even the ones you have already read. You romanticise freshly cut green grass, a cold cup of water, a blue sky full of clouds, the way trees dance with the storm, and that small lane in your neighbourhood with magnolia and dogwood trees that looks like a scene from an 80's French movie. You collect cups, bowls, and socks and wonder how weird it must look to love them. You come home tired and lay on your sofa, but the way your home smells makes you feel like you belong somewhere. You realise that intimacy isn't just physical or romantic. You feel it when someone comes to your room for the first time and looks at all your stuff, and you find yourself telling them backstories. Or when you show someone your collectibles and notice how they begin to understand you a little more.
You watch that movie for the 30th time, eat ice cream, and solve puzzles when you feel lonely instead of texting and stalking someone who is not good for your mental health. You catch sunsets every evening because you love the way they remind you that there's a new day ahead, and you like listening to the rustle of the leaves on a gloomy day. You live for your plants and your pets and the little pigeon on your balcony who coos every now and then. You appreciate home-cooked meals more, and the way you pause throughout the day to notice your breath is therapeutic enough. Fixing your kitchen and allowing yourself to have that conversation clears your head more effectively than listening to any motivational podcast ever will. Loving these mundane things has taught you more about beauty than a couple of heartbreak poems. You find that you have stopped giving in to unnecessary stress and live your life by your intentions, not your habits. You empty your pockets and let go of all the things that are too heavy for you to carry.
And when someone offers you their half-hearted love, you smile and refuse because you have realised that looking for love is synonymous with looking for yourself. When you find who you really are, you find a love that can never be taken away. No matter which turn life takes, it always finds its way back to you. And instead of waiting for the world to save you, you finally learn to save yourself...
- Rae Pathak , friday reminders
Follow at instagram.com/raepathak
Illustration by Haylee Morice
