22/10/2025
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
This cause is one I am particularly passionate about, having been through it myself.
In recognition of this awareness month, I organised a willing and brave group of clients to join me on a challenging hike through Brecon over the ‘Dragon’s Back’ to raise money for Women’s Aid, one of the leading charities that support women experiencing DV. Please see link at the bottom, if you’d like to donate 🧡
Many of the women who joined me on this fundraiser have been touched by DV themselves, either directly or with a family or friend.
I wanted to share my own personal story too, to highlight that it can happen to anyone and how it may look.
‼️ TW: Please be aware the following information contains details of domestic violence that may be triggering for some ‼️
It’s not easy to spot DV, especially if you’re the one facing it, as a large part can be manipulation and coercion which happens gradually throughout the relationship.
I’ve only really heard the term ‘gaslighting’ in the last few years.
If you read the explanation you come across much more, well-known, words that describe the terminology in all it’s glory, “abuse”, “psychological manipulation”, “victim”, “abuser”.
Words that mean so, so much more.
So when does a partner, go from being a partner - to an abuser?
When does the shift change from them being worried about you to making you second-guess your every move?
When does loving someone turn into controlling someone?
According to statistics, 1 in 4 women will be affected by domestic violence in their lifetime.
Higher than you imagined?
Every. Single. Day. Women and men are getting abused, physically, sexually, emotionally and mentally.
If you are someone who hasn’t been affected by this, then count yourself lucky, but please don’t assume this is because of the way you are.
It does not matter how ‘strong’ a person you are, how switched on or successful, how clever or how charismatic. These things happen to people just like you and I, day in, day out.
In fact, you might even be reading this and be unaware you ARE in an abusive relationship.
The thing to realise, about gaslighting in particular, is that the abuser is very, VERY clever. In most cases, it is a slow, methodical process that happens over a period of time, so drawn-out, that you won’t even be notice you are in it until you’re so far out of your depth, so deeply under their psychological control, that you just presume your relationship is ‘normal’ and this is the way it has always been.
The times you second-guess it, are the times they build you back up again, they make you feel like a Queen, so loved and adored that there is NO WAY that your relationship isn’t anything but wonderful. You MUST be in the wrong. YOU are painting them out to be a monster when YOU are the one doing things wrong in the relationship. YOU are the monster.
This person LOVES you.
Everything they do is with your BEST INTEREST at heart.
Even if it sometimes upsets you and feels controlling.
Even if sometimes you feel so scared your heart pounds out of its chest in complete fear of their reaction, like when you wear a short skirt. Or put on make-up.
Even if you feel physically sick at the thought of telling them something, like you’ve arranged to go out for a drink, or your friends have asked to come over.
Even if they sometimes shout so loud that you shake so physically because you are terrified they are going to hit you.
If you loved them, you would do what made THEM happy, like they make you happy, when they shower you with affection and attention.
If you loved them, you would listen more and not do the things they asked of you. You would stop talking to people you know they don’t like, you would ignore the invites from friends to meet up because you know it ends in you drinking and making a fool of yourself. You would do these things to keep your partner happy, because that’s what a good partner does.
Isn’t it?
I didn’t know I was in an abusive relationship until it was too late.
His temper got the better of him again, I hadn’t done what he asked and I foolishly decided to tell him I didn’t want to be with him.
If it wasn’t for a complete stranger that night, who literally saved my life, I wouldn’t be here today.
This man turned me from myself, into a person I can’t even describe now.
Built me up then ripped me down, piece by piece until there was almost nothing left.
In just 9 months of an abusive relationship, I was left with over a decade of anxiety and fear- in fact it still comes back some days and I’m right back in that place. I’m her again. 21 years later.
Terrified, panicky, anxious and sometimes paralysed with fear.
Because of someone shouting loudly, or the thought of upsetting someone.
My heart starts beating so fast, I feel physically sick and I start to shake.
I’ve let someone down.
My abuser manipulated my mind SO MUCH that I used to think I was always in the wrong. I used to hate myself because he made me feel I was a horrible person.
Of course I shouldn’t feel the need to wear revealing clothes or make up or ever want to look nice because who was I trying to impress?
I had to please him and only him and be ready whenever he wanted me.
I had to accept his mood swings because they were because of me, my behaviour and something I had done no doubt to cause his poor treatment of me.
Even when the physical attack came at the end, when he put his hands around my throat and I thought my time was up, I still believed he would walk away from it as he had told me he ‘couldn’t’ be arrested by the police, because he worked undercover for them.
I was too scared to tell the police my truth because he’d even warped my mind into believing he was completely untouchable.
The scariest part is that these people genuinely believe they are untouchable. That they are above the law.
BUT THEY ARE NOT.
You see, the thing about ‘gaslighting’ is that your manipulator sows so many seeds of doubt in your mind that you don’t even know they aren’t your own thoughts or feelings. They seem illogical but they are in YOUR mind.
All those things I mentioned?
They’re NOT normal.
It ISN’T normal.
It’s NEVER ok.
It ISN’T you.
IT. IS. THEM.
You do not have to be physically struck by someone to be scarred for life.
Controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship is now an illegal act, it is a CRIME to be treated this way and the abuser can be prosecuted.
This law passed in 2015.
Any form of abuse, physical, mental, financial and emotional are an example domestic violence.
Please, please talk to someone if you feel you are in an abusive relationship.
It will NEVER change, they will never change. Get out, whilst you still can.
I write this not only on behalf of my own story, but on behalf of the close friends, family members and clients that I know have also faced this reality too.
It is SO much more common than you realise.
My inbox is always open if you need to talk, whether you feel you are experiencing this yourself or a close friend or family member may be and you’re unsure how to approach it with them.
There is also some incredible charities that are there to support including locally, the wonderful Cyffanol Women’s Aid.
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/
https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/
The Wales Domestic Abuse Helpline
0808 801 0800
