Lorraine Lucas Counselling Coaching Consultancy

25/11/2025

No lesson was ever learnt by being isolated when distressed or punished for accidents. It just creates compliance through instilled fear or shame.

20/11/2025

Thank you to Inverness Women's Aid for highlighting this isolating tactic of control. If you feel you are in a controlling and abusive relationship and want a safe space to find yourself and some mental and emotional freedom I can help. Message me for more info.

Today we wanted to highlight an example of Financial Abuse to show how this behaviour can limit someone’s independence and sense of security.

A woman works part-time and has her wages paid into a joint account. One afternoon she tries to check her balance and realises the login no longer works. When she asks her partner he tells her:
“You must have forgotten the password again. I’ll fix it later.”

Days pass and nothing is fixed. She asks about it again and he replies: “You’re getting stressed over nothing. I’m managing the bills, you don’t need to worry.”

Whilst out on a food shop during the week, her partner tells her she doesn't need to carry a bank card from now on. Instead each time she want to go out he gives her a small amount of cash and says:
“Make sure you keep the receipts. You overspend without realising or you come back with rubbish.”

A week later she finds letters about a loan she did not know existed. He tells her:
“It’s all sorted. I put it in your name because your credit score was fine. You should be grateful I did all the paperwork - it's for us!”

When she suggests opening her own account he accuses her of being secretive, accuses her of wanting to leave him or steal from him. He says she is causing the financial trouble they have.

As time goes on he tightens control.
He limits her access to money.
He monitors what she spends.
He makes financial decisions without her.
He places debt in her name without consent.

She begins to feel trapped. She is unable to save, unable to plan and afraid of the financial consequences if she tries to leave.
Her confidence slowly erodes as she starts to believe she is incapable of managing her own money, even though the barriers are being created around her.

This is financial abuse.

It is a deliberate form of control used to restrict someone’s independence and make it harder for them to make choices about their own life. It is a common tactic in domestic abuse and its impact on safety, confidence and long-term stability can be significant.

If you or someone you know needs support, Inverness Women’s Aid is here.
Call 01463 220719 or email info@invernesswa.org

12/11/2025

This disclosure scheme is something we advocated for during my time working in the field of domestic violence.There is a database that is shared with specialist services and the police across the UK. If there are significant concerns the police can disclose so long as it meets the criteria. Similarly if the police hear that a known perpetrayor loses a sugnifucant risk to an individual or fanily they can intervene. We have long advocated for a register like that for s*x offenders but it is still in the pipeline.

06/11/2025

The most rigorous and challenging post grad training I've done was to become a domestic violence ( let's not dilute the seriousness of it by calling ut Abuse) expert.
After working in the addiction field for a decade a recognised a pattern with some clients in a 2nd stage residential housing project for recovering addicts ....most men had a history of criminal convictions for Common Assault and most women had been victims of domestic violence

I later discovered that Common Assault was the general conviction for domestic violence offences and here we were putting vulnerable victims and perpetrators together. Yikes.
Now in retrospect I am horrified thinking about how in all my time working in residential treatment facilities this has never been screened for.
I trained primarily to work with perpetrators of domestic violence which was a truly intensive two week training programme that got right in to my belief system and helped me become forensically skilled at seeing the behaviour/tactics and predicting outcomes.
I then trained in working with victims, facilitating programmes, working with adults and children , training on high risk of being killed or seriously harmed and working as a legal advocate supporting clients through court, being moved to safe houses and to apply for court orders before managing a county wide high risk domestic violence consortium.
I trained court judges and magistrates, police, social workers, teachers, doctors, midwives ( pregnancy and early years is the mist vulnerable time to be killed or seriously harmed....a baby needs attention the perpetrators feel is theirs and why children are often killed in these high risk situations ...not because they love their children and cant live without them post separation but because they are angry at them for causing what they perceive is the loss of love and affection of their partner/ex partner).
So I have gained my stripes and the right to xall myself an expert.
An expert who knows a high risk situation from the off and intuitively senses the schemas of dangerous and manipulative perpetrators.
There is a conflict when it comes to wearing my therapist hat because although we know that the most dangerous perpetrators are either NPD or BPD ....a mistake pop psychology claims is that all abusers are Narcissists or call it Narcissistic Abuse when the most dangerous time to be killed is following separation and more commonly by Borderline Personality Disordered people.
Some good intentioned services aim to do Couples Work with perpetrators and victims...no no no, never when there is ongoing violence of any form ! Please listen to experts.
I am presently doing certificated training with Terry Real Relational Life for Couples and even Terry with all the decades of work with addictive behaviour and trauma work says so too......dont work where there is relational violence. A perpetrators will feel humiliated at having to go to therapy and will take it out on their partner all the while grooming the therapist.
I have space to work with perpetrators and survivors individually and to offer supervision to therapists who are working with perpetrators....we don't always know it to begin with so it is important to know how to do so safely when you discover that's what you're dealing with.
I am also open to delivering training on using g high risk identification indicator assessment tools.
It is everyone's responsibility...domestic violence deaths are usually predictable and often preventable with early identification.
Message me to see how I can help.
* image of Domestic Violence expert Laura Richards who i did DASH RISK ASSESSMENT training with.

06/10/2025

I feel this is a very interesting and much needed discussion . Is trauma being overly diagnosed by individuals and therapists?There is of course a thriving global trauma treatment industry however is everyone who is being treated actually traumatised or meet criteria for PTSD / CPTSD? Are distressing and disturbing experiences the same traumatic experiences? Are some of treatments promising a cure really effective?From psychedelics, to therapeutic exorcisms and all at a cost. As a therapist over the decades I've seen the best and the worst with some untrained and over zealous qualified therapists not following protocols which ultimately and ethically are there for the client and the therapist's safety. Done well, it is a beautiful healing experience but all too often I hear about clients been opened up and abandoned and left in a worse mental and emotional state. I remember one seasoned and respected teacher telling me that anyone can open people up /resentisise , bit the real skill is about when and how and how deep and how to safely close the seam. I'll look forward to hearing more from you and Darren !

Orwell Prize-winning author Darren McGarvey, AKA hip-hop artist Loki, offers a revealing, deeply personal exploration of the dangerous stories we tell ourselves about trauma.

28/08/2025

Absolutely. We know why we should but it's not so easy. We need to be able to emotionally tolerate and mentally adapt to a new way and that's what is challenging.
Therapy can help by travelling with you on this journey throughtout the thought, preparation and active change phases.
I can help.

13/08/2025

Absolutely on the money ! We really can live out our wildest dreams in reality rather than just talking about it.
Magic happens in sobriety.
The part of you that's reliant on the drug will tell you that you're not a whole person without it, that you won't be fun/creative/interesting etc and this is the biggest lie ...the truth is the opposite.
But we just have to discover this for ourselves and Believe that you will transform into someone you actually like and respect with authenticity and integrity.
If you want to embark on a sober and clean life let's talk!

28/07/2025

“Your avoidant attachment style ex is not doing this instead of contacting you: they're not suddenly healing, becoming emotionally whole, or experiencing some enlightened peace that justifies their silence. No, what they’re actually doing is running—from their emotions, from accountability, from the discomfort of vulnerability. Avoidant types are experts at creating distance, and silence is their favorite tool of control and protection.

They’re not reaching out because that would require them to confront the very things they’ve spent their entire lives avoiding: emotional intimacy, difficult conversations, guilt, and the impact of their actions on others. Instead, they’re numbing themselves with distractions—overworking, new flings, surface-level hobbies, or excessive independence disguised as "self-care." But don’t be fooled. That distance isn't peace. It's emotional suppression. It's fear dressed up as detachment.

They may be telling themselves that cutting off contact is the “mature” thing to do, when in reality, it’s the easiest path for someone who lacks the emotional tools to communicate or face the consequences of their behavior. Their silence isn’t strength—it’s self-protection. And deep down, a part of them knows it. They’re haunted by what they haven’t processed, by the weight of the words they never said, and the connection they never truly allowed themselves to feel.

Meanwhile, you’re here wondering what their silence means. Let this be your reminder: silence from an avoidant isn’t clarity or closure. It’s avoidance, plain and simple. And that’s their battle to fight—not yours to chase.”
Andrew McLaren.

Trying to have a relationship with someone who is emotionally avoidant/fearful is an oxymoron and a painful and distressing experience.
You may have fallen in love with the potential and the early non threatening phase and then experience ghosting then love bombing....not always intended to harm you like with true Narcissism...but out of the sheer terror of losing control emotionally or that you will get too close and see all the imperfections and their 'bad' stuff.
The longer you stay the mire emotionally and mentally distessing this becomes.
If you are the partner of or are the emotionally avoidant person I can help foster safer intimacy and meaningful relationships.
Message me to see if we can make those changes and break the cycle.