ShrinkMusings

31/07/2022

27/07/2022

Disclaimer: The content in these posts is either fictional and created for educational purposes or is sent in from supporters of this page, all names and any explicitly identifiable information is changed to ensure anonymity.

Is it useful to dwell on our pasts!?

The Dilemma

Hi Sam

I'm often left feeling conflicted about what to do with my emotions, like dwelling on things for instance, connecting with feelings about things that have happened or making amends feels tough. I also think well what is done is done what is the point of going back there but I often find my self in situations I don't want to be in or feeling generally unfulfilled about life. What do I do!?

Best

Katie

My Reply:

Dear Katie

I think that there is a reason why you are feeling conflicted about this, so I am pleased that you are attending to this by asking yourself (and me) these questions. There is always a reason why we feel conflicted and it's usually when we are ignoring something important within us. You say what's the point of dwelling on the past and you also say that you are finding yourself in unfulfilling and undesirable situations in your life. Could there be a link?

The only way we can stop doing things that are not helpful to us is by reflecting on our behaviour and our choices. Now, this might feel painful because in order to do this you will have to admit that you are doing something that is not working for you. Start by writing down some of these unhelpful repeating patterns as well as the choices you made and the ways in which you behaved that may have contributed to the undesired outcome.

It is important that we learn from our experiences in order to move forward in a happy and healthier way and you will have to face up to that and let those parts of you go in order for something better in you to emerge. This will involve being more curious about yourself, your emotions, your experiences and the parts that you play in these situations.

I hope this helps.

Warmest Wishes,

Sam

18/07/2022

Great video from .psychologist highlighting the dialogue blockages in the adult child- parent relationship when the parent has unresolved issues and behave in emotionally immature ways.

Let's get better at talking with eachother and owning our part.

the.holistic.psychologist • Original Audio

15/06/2022

Disclaimer: The content in these posts is either fictional and created for educational purposes or is sent in from supporters of this page, all names and any explicitly identifiable information is changed to ensure anonymity.

How do I get my daughter to see that I am not the enemy?

The Dilemma:

Dear Sam

Like most mothers I have done my best to provide a childhood and a life for my kids that was as rich as it could possibly be. We praised their successes, we provided opportunities for them whether that be in sport, education etc we helped them buy their first homes and we are always here to provide a haven away from the chaos of life.
Me and my eldest generally get along very well but there are times where we have these explosive fights that that then blow over like they never happened but re-emerge. I often get accused of being stubborn, self-righteous and not seeing it from their perspective and especially for not taking responsibility and apologising. It lands hard. I always think what’s the point of bringing something up once it has passed, I mean you can’t go back and make it better so what’s the point? But I am struggling with this reoccurring and I don’t know what to do to get her to see that I am not her enemy. And I experience her as so ungrateful when she speaks to me like that.

Any words of wisdom?

Pat

My Reply:

Dear Pat,

Thanks for writing in with your dilemma and I’ll try my best!

I was thinking as I read your email that it is really special that you have been able to offer all of those wonderful opportunities to your children and that you want to have the best possible relationship with them. I really do admire you for this.

I remember a parenting expert once saying something like 95% of parents, 95% of the time want the very best for their children, but even with the very best intentions they can get it so badly wrong and not meet their needs. This is not from a place of malice, largely, but more from a place of our own upbringing getting in the way, the stresses and strains of life, so it is perfectly normal to not always get it right, all anyone ever needs us to be is ‘good-enough’. It sounds like you feel rejected and attacked when you fight with your daughter, and you really want her to see just how much you want the best for her. I think that when we are in relationship with someone who we care a great deal about, it is always so important that we reflect on our behaviour and what part we play in re-occurring conflict cycles. It is often too easy to blame the other person stating that ‘if only’ they would change the way they are or if they were not so sensitive or stubborn all would be well. Except it doesn’t really work like that, we have very little power over the will or behaviour of others but much more over our own.

What is it that your daughter feels you are missing or getting wrong? And perhaps see this as an opportunity to learn something about yourself and to become closer with each other. You say that there is no point bringing up the past, yet these issues seem to remerge therefore whether you want it to or not the past rears its head every time you have these conflict cycles. In Psychotherapy literature there is a concept called ‘rupture and repair’ which stresses the importance of making it right with the people we care for after we cause some hurt or pain. The research suggests that what causes ongoing issues in relationships isn’t that we hurt each other but that we receive no repair or reconciliation with the person that hurt us. There is something so healing and humbling when a person you care about really reflects on their part of the issue and says I am so sorry for x y or z it must have felt awful for you when I did that and to make an ongoing commitment to work on it for the success of the relationship. Think about how many wounds you carry with you that would more than likely dissolve if the people that caused them owned up to their part and tried to make it right. Parents are role models for their children, show your daughter, that there are different ways of being heard and seen by setting an example. You won’t regret it.

I hope this helps and that you are able to work on making some changes in your relationship with your daughter.

Warmest wishes,

Sam

13/04/2022

Disclaimer: The content in these posts is either fictional and created for educational purposes or is sent in from supporters of this page, all names and any explicitly identifiable information is changed to ensure anonymity.

Being the Golden Child is not all it's cracked up to be....

The Dilemma

Hello,

I am having issues with my brother and the role I have in my family. Feeling a little stuck with it and in need of some help to make sense of what is going on.

My brother really struggles with the dynamics at play between the two of us and the way we are treated and looked at so differently at home. Mum confides in me, boasts about me to others and generally uses me and the choices I’ve made and the lifestyle I lead as the benchmark to follow. He is bitter and resentful towards me and so jealous of my relationship with my parents and my position in the family. However, it’s not as easy as he thinks, the pressure I am under to be ‘the perfect daughter’ can be crippling and at times I feel like I am drowning. I don’t feel like I can just settle into anything, I feel like I need to keep progressing at work and earn more money and take on more responsibility, I feel like I need to be the perfect wife, the perfect Mum, stay slim, be likeable, outgoing, never make wrong decisions and I am so scared, always, of making the wrong decision. I almost always run everything by my Mum and want desperately for her approval, that half of the time I don’t know what I do want, but when she is happy, I feel so much relief and when she is not, I feel so much guilt. Meanwhile my brother has this unrealistic notion that I am the golden child, and that life is all roses for me. Others would kill to be the favourite and yet I am really struggling with the pressure of it, am I making an issue out of nothing??

I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

Marissa

My Reply

Dear Marissa,

Thank you for writing in, I really don’t think that you are making an issue out of nothing here, I can see how tough this is for you and it sounds very exhausting having to maintain this ‘perfect’ persona to receive approval.

I think that on the outside being the favourite or the ‘golden child’ can look so attractive and therefore I really do understand your brother’s jealousy, all he sees is his ‘perfect’ sister receiving all this attention and adoration from Mum; whilst feeling completely side-lined and unimportant. I wonder if you have ever made yourself vulnerable with him and explained the pressure you are under to maintain this image and how complex and at times unrewarding your relationship with Mum feels. I imagine it might help him and your relationship if there was some mutual understanding.

Meanwhile, it might be worth examining for yourself what you want from your life and if giving up on so much of you is worth the temporary approval you receive from your family. Usually, the favourite child has an unconscious role which begins very early on within the family where they become responsible for the health and happiness of their parents and the overall success of the family (usually objectified when they have a skill or an ability which can be exploited to make the family look good). The problem here is that your self-worth becomes secondary, and you become a sort of vehicle for your parents’ self-worth, learning that you only have value and worth if you constantly perform and win or are the best. This cycle fulfils your Mum’s low self-worth (living through you and your ability) but it sounds like all it fosters in you is a chronic sense of ‘I’m not good enough, therefore I must try harder’ therefore becoming highly self-critical.

I feel sad that if you remain stuck in this cycle you’ll never be and feel seen, loved and understood for who you truly are, your needs are important, take some time to look at this, you have the power to change this dynamic and have a more fulfilling relationship with your family and more importantly with yourself.

I hope this helps.

Warmest wishes,

Sam

30/03/2022

Disclaimer: The content in these posts is either fictional and created for educational purposes or is sent in from supporters of this page, all names and any explicitly identifiable information is changed to ensure anonymity.

I worry I am too broken to have a good life

The Dilemma:

Hello,
I am a bit lost at the moment and life, feels rubbish, I think it’s because have experienced a lot of trauma and abusive events in my life and this has affected my confidence, my motivation and my ability to meet someone. Can someone be too broken to have a good life, to feel good and to have a satisfying relationship? I worry always that whoever I meet will just see my brokenness and not be interested, am I destined to a life of misery??

Grace

My Reply:

Dear Grace,

Thanks for writing in and I am sorry that life feels so difficult and unfulfilling for you at the moment.

Your questions are complex and I hope that my answer helps you. From my experience of life and working with people who have experienced disturbing and traumatic events, it makes sense to feel broken, something very special within has been hurt, damaged, abused and violated and these experiences have a lasting impact. Now whilst it is true that harsh experiences can cause damage and even break our spirits, it is also true that we can repair and heal from them. It sounds like you have been struggling for some time with all of this and I wonder if talking to someone like a therapist might be useful to help you make sense of your experiences and explore all of the options and choices you have in your life. We all have a certain amount of life and resource available to us and for a variety of reasons (often following trauma) we create a safety zone, which we don’t step out of and this restricts us from taking advantage of all that is available to us. Perhaps you need some help with managing the anxiety and fear that stepping into life in a richer and fuller way evokes within you. Once we have started to process your experiences you will really see just how much knowledge and wisdom lies within your vulnerabilities and you can then begin to use these as a way of drawing strength and guidance in times of adversity. This will also help you to be more authentic and to connect with others, showing the world that not only you have survived these awful experiences but that you can thrive and use all the learning gained from these experiences to have a good life.

In Japan they have a form of art called Kintsugi which involves mending broken pottery by putting all the pieces back together with gold. The gold highlights the flaws and vulnerabilities which acts as a metaphor for life with the message that you can only reach your full potential by fully experiencing tough times and learning from these. The gold also puts together all the pieces again making the overall structure of the vessel even stronger than before. Therefore making our vulnerabilities visibly strong and beautiful. Hiding away from the world and not showing yourself to others is what will sustain this unsatisfying life.

Take some action which will hopefully allow you to live life in a richer and fuller way.

Warmest wishes,
Sam

09/03/2022

Disclaimer: The content in these posts is either fictional and created for educational purposes or is sent in from supporters of this page, all names and any explicitly identifiable information is changed to ensure anonymity.

The Dilemma:

Hi,
This is kinda personal, but also very general and topical at the moment, something that is probably playing on all of our minds (I have small children too), so I would love to hear your thoughts on how we should deal with what’s happening in Ukraine and is it healthy to just ignore it and don’t watch the news?

Thanks

Adam.

My Reply:

Hi Adam,

Thanks for writing in and yes, this is most certainly a collective concern at the moment and a good dilemma for this weeks’ page.

Even if you are not following the news closely or at all, this issue is real and every part of every person on various different levels can feel that something terrible is going on. Not following the news doesn’t guarantee immunity, most people are talking about it, in person and on social media, the content being shared is disturbing and therefore normal to be worried, and even easy to work ourselves into a bit of a frenzy. Life in the pandemic left us isolated for long periods from our peers and our families and this has affected the mental health of all of us. It is terrible timing to now be surrounded by war reporting, however, hiding away from the reality of it will only add to fear and paranoia. Informing yourself and keeping abreast of the events is appropriate and healthy; however my advice would be to limit it to once or twice a day and only follow reliable sources. If your children ask questions it is a good idea to ask them what they already know about it. You won’t know all the answers and that’s okay, you can look things up together and the way you manage your feelings will be very closely related to how you help and support them.

The topic is emotionally charged, therefore this will evoke difficult feelings. The way people tend to deal with feelings is either to repress and minimise them or to be completely controlled/paralysed by them and then falling into catastrophizing behaviours. There could be an alternative in which we acknowledge and contain them, which is a harder option and takes thought and practice. Honest conversation with people you trust will help put into words how you feel. The more you can put into words, the less likely anxiety will show itself in acting out or catastrophizing behaviour. When listening to the concerns of others, it might be less useful to say WW3 is coming we are all doomed! Or to shut down the other person and say it is all fine. The alternative could be to empathise with the other person validating their concern as appropriate and their worry understandable. Something that you can offer to yourself too in times of panic and worry.

We all idealistically want life to be easy and happy, the bottom line is that difficult things happen and the toughest things we can't predict or control. Shutting down feelings that we see as undesirable actually reduces our capacity for happiness. If we don't give space for these feelings to be felt, heard or normalised this usually elicits more fear, worry, paranoia and ultimately less happiness. It is okay to feel scared and find healthy ways to soothe these feelings with any activities that provide nurture, mindfulness and self compassion. Speak with others who listen but who are also level headed and able to foster more optimism and therefore psychological flexibility.

It is also important to remind yourself that it is good that you feel for people getting bombed and getting evacuated from their homes; so do your bit to help, whilst also connecting with gratitude at the freedom and peace that we have in our lives, and not taking this for granted.

I hope this helps

Warmest wishes,
Sam

23/02/2022

Disclaimer: The content in these posts is either fictional and created for educational purposes or is sent in from supporters of this page, all names and any explicitly identifiable information is changed to ensure anonymity.

I can't cope, I am scared and full of dread.

The Dilemma:

Hello,
The problem I have right now is that my anxiety levels are so high that every morning I wake up feeling so tense and so full of dread. I have a high-pressure job and feel deeply insecure all the time. I drink to cope or control things to make them feel safer and when I can’t do this I shut the world out because I feel too overwhelmed. I know this is not sustainable and in order for me to appreciate all the things I have in my life, like my amazing partner, my friends, the financial security we have I need to sort this out.

Ben

My Reply:

Dear Ben,

I imagine writing in was not easy for you and the first step to combat fear and anxiety is having the courage to name it and to tell someone about it, so I really admire you for taking this step.

I think that worry is contagious, it spreads, it grows and we get attached to it like it somehow becomes the whole of us, rather than a feeling or a part of us. The reality is that life is difficult and we can often feel very out of control, so we learn to cope by doing things that give us the illusion of control (like worrying and needing things to be just so) and then needing a sense of relief from the oppression that the control brings. So in your case alcohol provides this momentary relief.

The reality is that we are all our own ball and chain. Focusing on the worry, the control, the alcohol, is keeping you stuck. I wonder what it would be like for you to shift your focus at times, like noticing your breathing. How about you stop reading this for a few seconds and notice how you breathe. I really want you to notice the in-breath and then your out-breath. Encouraging contact with yourself in the here and now. When you notice how you are breathing, do you slow your breathing down? If your attention wanders, bring it back to your breath. Now you said that you wake up feeling full of worry, so how about you start a new morning routine where you start by focusing on your breathing.

It is much easier to tense up than in it is to relax, so start incorporating body scans, to see if you notice any tension or muscle tightness. Then practice tensing and collapsing and notice the difference between the two states. The exercise will help you to notice and attend to your body when you are feeling tense and remind you to breathe, which will help your muscles to relax and help you to feel calmer and give you more control over your worry and over thinking. There is also the option of discussing medication with your GP whilst you learn to manage your anxiety and you can always seek the support of a therapist.

Writing down our fears in list form also helps, being as a specific as possible and noticing how true these fears are and imagine the ‘what ifs’, things are rarely as scary as they seem in reality or once they have happened or we have faced up to them. Learn to develop a relationship with the fearful part of you rather than giving in, getting angry or being a afraid of it, what does that part of you need that you are depriving it of? I often encourage my clients to imagine their anxiety as a scared child, how would you respond to them, treat them or help them?
Lastly, spend some time focusing on some of the points you made about your life; your amazing partner, your friends and the financial security you have created for yourself. This would indicate a capable and resilient part of yourself, draw on this part of you too.

I hope this helps

Warmest wishes,

Sam

09/02/2022

Disclaimer: The content in these posts is either fictional and created for educational purposes or is sent in from supporters of this page, all names and any explicitly identifiable information is changed to ensure anonymity.

I am stuck in the past and scared of the Future!

The Dilemma:

Hello Shrink Musings,

I have been thinking of emailing you for some time, but have been putting it off. Mainly because I am not sure this is even a dilemma as such, well maybe it is, I don’t know. But I find myself constantly worrying about the future and reliving the past. I had a very difficult and traumatic upbringing and I feel that everything around me is scary and uncertain and I always worry about working really hard and making everything right for me and my family so that we can have a better future. It makes life really tough, any words of wisdom?

Thanks

Sophie (Not real name)

My Reply:

Dear Sophie,

I am pleased that you finally decided to write in and I think this is a real dilemma and one that many people face.

It is interesting that you should write in with this dilemma this week as I have been preparing a lecture for my students on working with clients who are traumatised by their past and paralysed by the prospect of their future and how we renegotiate, re-vision and re-create the past and future in therapy. When I prepare content, I read psychotherapy texts but also literary, philosophical and sometimes even religious texts. I think there is a lot to be learnt from all areas and disciplines.

In my reading I came across this quote in the confessions of St Augustine which read:
“From what I have said it is abundantly clear that neither the future nor the past exist...
It might be correct to say that there are three times, a present of past things, a present of present things and a present of future things…
The present of past things is memory; the present of present things is direct perception
And the present of future is expectation”.

I wonder which memories still haunt you from your past and what you might need to do about this. I also wonder about the pressure and expectations you put on yourself and your family about the future. If you didn’t let the past and the future rob you of today what would your direct perception of life right now be?

So maybe think about what support you might need to put those memories to rest so that they don’t push your attention to that which no longer exists and to that which has not yet happened.

Warmest wishes,

Sam

26/01/2022

Disclaimer: The content in these posts is either fictional and created for educational purposes or is sent in from supporters of this page, all names and any explicitly identifiable information is changed to ensure anonymity.

I am Angry at my sister for being so perfect

The Dilemma:

Hello,
I hope you can help as I am struggling with the way I feel about my sister. I love my sister very much, however sometimes I hate her and how easily things seem to fall into place for her, she is the epitome of the older ‘perfect’ sister. She has a good job, a stable relationship, she is liked by others, our parents’ favourite, she’s smart and academic, and she has plenty of drive and motivation. I on the other hand am the complete opposite, I feel lost, I have no idea who I am or what I want, and I am the faller. I am in a job I hate and I am always scared to make the wrong decision to the point where I give up and get depressed. I hate how I always get compared to her ‘if only you were more like your sister, then we wouldn’t feel so worried about you’ blah blah blah. I know that Emily hasn’t always had it easy and our upbringing wasn’t the easiest, Mum and Dad often criticised her and told her she wouldn’t amount to anything and she shielded me from a lot of the horrible things that happened and always looked after me. She left home at 19 and never returned and being 6 years younger I was left behind and was so angry at her for this for many years. This has really effected our relationship as adults. I want to talk to her about this but really don’t know how, we always end up rowing.

Katie

My Response:

Dear Katie,

Thank you for writing in with your dilemma, this sounds really hard for you and I can feel how much you love your sister and how much you want to be able to have a good and healthy relationship with her.

First of all it is okay to hate the people we love sometimes, it’s completely natural to feel envy and anger at seeing her achieve all these milestones and feeling left behind in your own life. It sounds like this constantly scratches old wounds. This doesn’t mean you don’t want her to have these things, but maybe more that you wish you had your version of these things too. It sounds like growing up was tough and that your sister was the rescuer and the protector and probably had to grow up very quickly to make things okay for herself and subsequently you. I imagine that when she left you felt utterly abandoned and left to deal with all the horribleness at home on your own and at 13 that must have been so difficult. It sounds like she needed to get out and not look back and threw herself into achieving all the things she set out to do and that somehow your parents took all the credit for her achievements and then used this as a way of measuring you and your success.

Although you both grew up in the same house with the same family, you are both inherently different people with different needs and different ways of seeing the world. When we are small we need the big people in our lives to really take the time to understand our worlds as they are, to show interest and curiosity, to promote our individuality rather than compare. This inevitably ends in a failure to meet their expectations and in a failure to become who we are and reach our own potential. It was probably easier to be angry at your sister than it was to be angry at your parents when she left because they were all you had left and you couldn’t afford to lose them too.

We are defined in families ‘The clever go getter’ ‘The Compliant Good Girl/Boy’ ‘The Rebellious One’ ‘The funny one’ ‘The Faller’etc... And (sometimes) without meaning to our parents set us up on this path of fulfilling a role or adopting an identity which is imposed upon us. This stop us from feeling able to trust our own instincts, to make our own decisions and ultimately from living the life that is right for us. Without blaming each other, try and share with each other what your experiences of growing up were, what wounds these left behind, what you now feel about yourselves and about each other and what kind of relationship you would like with each other as adults.

I really hope you can work things out together.

Warmest wishes,

Sam

19/01/2022

Hi Everyone,

Agony Uncle Wednesdays will be moving to fortnightly and in the spaces in between I will be posting a variety of content from others for you to engage with and open up community based discussions. I will also be setting topics for you to write in, 1 week in advance.

Next week's dilemma will be on 'Sibling Relationships' do we love them, hate them, have fun with them or struggle to feel close to them? the sibling relationship is one of the most important relationships we will ever have in our lives and interestingly the least spoken about.

Please email in or message me with your dilemmas on this topic and I will choose a dilemma to reply to next week. All material will be anonymised to protect your identity.

12/01/2022

Disclaimer: The content in these posts is either fictional and created for educational purposes or is sent in from supporters of this page, all names and any explicitly identifiable information is changed to ensure anonymity.

Am I bad for enjoying casual s*x as a single mum?

Agon Uncle Wednesday

The Dilemma:

Hello,

My name is Claire (not real name) I am a 29-year-old single mum of 1, I have a good job and own my own place, my family live miles away, but I do have some good friends nearby. I was with my daughter’s (She is 6) Dad for 8 years, he was never very nice to me, always put me down, cheated on me many times and then one day he left me for someone else and offers no support to me or our daughter. I was determined to not let this get me down, I started to work out more and eat better and just generally invest in myself more. After 18 months of being single I put myself out there on online dating. I got way more attention than I ever imagined. I have had some great casual s*x with a few guys who I knew would never turn into anything serious, but I never introduced them to my daughter, was always careful and used protection and it was never around my daughter. I have told some people in my life about this, and they have said some very disapproving things and I now feel guilty and dirty for enjoying myself when not in a relationship (even though I hope to be in a good one again, at some point) is this bad? And am I setting a bad example to my 6-year-old?

My Response:

Dear Claire

Thanks for writing in.

Firstly, I am so sorry to hear just how badly you were treated in your relationship and although it must have been tough that he left you for somebody else, I am so pleased that he is no longer by your side, you deserve better. I admire you for raising your daughter with no support, holding down a responsible job, a home and for showing determination and motivation to move forward despite experiencing such a severe blow.

I also feel sad to hear how hard you are being on yourself for letting yourself have some enjoyment and fun in your life. I think that it is unfortunate that we still live in a society that makes s*x into such a taboo subject. Most of us enjoy s*x and it is okay for you to enjoy it too. As a man I can say that if I were in your position, it would be unlikely that I would be guilt tripped into thinking that I was being bad for enjoying casual s*x, it is unfair that we still measure acceptability by gender.

I do think that religion does have a part to play in this, especially Catholicism. We are taught about the saintly Virgin Mary and the sinful Mary Magdalene (Also known as the Virgin/Whore Dichotomy) and to some degree women are still viewed in this polarised way. This outlook must be challenged, because you are not sinful, bad or wrong for enjoying yourself and it sounds like you are being very mindful of the impact on your daughter, and you are being responsible.

You are a grown woman who is entitled to make her own choices and my advice would be to carry on enjoying yourself and working out what you want from your life and future relationship. I really hope that you (when the time is right and when you choose to) meet a good partner that loves, respects and supports you and your daughter.

I hope my words reassure you and dissolve some of the guilt and shame you are experiencing.

Warmest wishes,

Sam

*x