18/01/2026
I still feel a little embarrassed to admit that birth with my eldest child didn't feel good.
I had a huge sense of failure and guilt around the cascade of intervention we found ourselves on.
I wanted to birth within the system, but I had thought with a few tweaks to my environment, if I had released enough fear, if I had practiced enough, if I backed my choices with enough information then I would be in the zone and that zone would feel like flow. And it didn't.
On reflection, I prepared with wrong goal in mind. I can see in hindsight that I was holding these two almost paradoxical ideas if birth being risky and uncontrollable, and safe if you can control yourself.
Unconsciously, I was stuck in a narrative that my birth was solely my responsibility. That it would be a test of my dedication and skill. I was focused on crossing a threshold of good girl, to good mother. And I thought I knew what that looked like.
This is my story, and I'm sharing it from a point where I can see how birth unpeeled another layer of my stuff. But I'm sharing it because I don't think it's only my story, or only my stuff.
It's so easy, with all of our passion and fierce, protective love to get lost in ideology. And so trust in someone else authority above our own; institutions above intuition, yet question ourselves before systems. To fall back into myths of what it means to be a good girl or good mother.
All the noise adds to the pressure and when we are in the this vulnerable state of undoing and unknowing we can so easily take it all on and create fixed expectations.
It was those expectations, not the actual birth itself, that threw me and led me to believe I had failed before I had really began.
I didn't fail. I was lost, and alone in the depths of the birth portal, disconnected and without a guide. It was a brutal beginning, but the one that brought me here.
Do you or did you feel pressure around birth looking a certain way? Do you have expectations about what it should feel like? Let me know below.
If you want to explore this further, comment 'stories' and I'll send you 11 journaling prompts to uncover the good birth myth held in your body 🌹