Ruth Murtagh Relationship Counselling for Couples and Individuals

05/05/2026

New expectations arise when you clarify what the situation is, not what you'd like it to be.

27/04/2026

Therapy isn’t about dwelling. People who come in rehearsing the same story are often keeping themselves stuck.

Feelings, on the other hand, are information. They help us make sense of our experiences and learn how to use those powerful feelings to navigate the world with more awareness and clarity.

Something to ask yourself today: Am I dwelling or feeling?

27/04/2026

You can’t stop people from trying, but you can be ready to respond. In an attempt to get their needs met, some people will try to persuade you to change your mind. When you want something different, be assertive about it.

The best way to stop someone from guilt-tripping you is to recognize (in the moment) when it is happening and respond to the situation.

Sometimes people don't like it when you’re assertive, but it’s still necessary for you to be assertive.

Be kind and advocate for your needs.

21/04/2026

Avoidance gives you a tiny hit of relief.

Not because the problem is gone—but because you don’t have to deal with it.

So you “forget.”

You stay busy.

You promise you’ll deal with it tomorrow.

But what you avoid doesn’t disappear. Just the opposite: The problem gets bigger.

The only way to deal with something is to, well, deal with it. Which means: Giving voice to the feelings you’ve been pushing aside.

Every person I wrote about in MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO SOMEONE was avoiding something (myself included!).

And then… we weren’t. And that felt so much better.

A question to try today:

What feeling am I trying not to have?

07/04/2026

Healthy attachment usually grows in four conditions:
• Attention
• Affection
• Appreciation
• Acceptance

These are some of the experiences that help a person feel safe in love.

When they are consistent, the nervous system starts to trust:
• I matter.
• I’m wanted.
• I don’t have to earn connection every second.

But when these are missing, unpredictable, or only given conditionally, attachment can start to feel confusing. You may grow up wondering:

Am I loved right now?
Do I have to perform for closeness?
Will connection disappear if I need too much?

When these four are present, attachment has something solid to grow on. Here’s what each pillar really gives us:

1. Attention
Attention is more than being in the same room. It is emotional presence. It is someone noticing you, listening to you, and responding like your inner world matters. Healthy attention teaches your system that connection is available and that you do not have to escalate to be seen.

2. Affection
Affection is warmth made visible. It can sound like tenderness, encouragement, and care. It can look like safe touch, softness, or comfort. Affection helps the body feel connected, not just the mind. It sends the message: you are safe.

3. Appreciation
Appreciation is being recognized for who you are and what you bring. It is being valued, not just tolerated. When appreciation is present, people feel less invisible. They feel known. Even small moments of acknowledgment can strengthen emotional trust.

4. Acceptance
Acceptance is one of the deepest forms of safety. It means you are not constantly being edited, criticized, or loved only when you are easy to handle. Acceptance tells the nervous system: you do not have to become someone else to stay connected.

When these are absent, people learn to chase, overfunction, withdraw, self-protect, or question their worth.

This is why healing attachment is not just about communication skills.
It is also about learning what safe connection actually feels like.

07/04/2026

The biggest obstacle to change in therapy is an inability to take in new information.

Many people (understandably) want to use the time to share their perspective over and over and over, as if to convince the other person (or the therapist) that their perspective is the “correct” or “reasonable” one.

But the way to move forward is to take in information you might not have considered before in order to understand and resolve the issue between you.

Next time you feel stuck with a partner or family member, ask yourself, “Am I taking in any new information here, or just repeating my position like a broken record?”

04/04/2026

04/04/2026

I see this often in couples therapy ⬇️

For one person, talking is how they repair.

For the other, taking space is how they regulate.

But there needs to be a balance. Too much talking turns into dwelling without moving forward. Too much space turns into avoidance without addressing the issue.

When you disagree, what helps you to have a productive conversation?

25/12/2025

How do we get better at discussing s*xual satisfaction when our ge****ls are synonymous with the word ‘unmentionables’? It takes no luck, no money and can be learned

16/12/2025

I wasted so much pain stuck in the swirl of seeking love while under the spell of romance addiction. I had to heal the root problem that stemmed from a narcissistic mother. Self-love is the key. Self-Love Meditation https://www.whatiscodependency.com/product/self-love-meditation/

12/12/2025

A husband who refused to speak to his wife for 40 years. A father who continued to ignore his daughter on his deathbed. Far from a mere cold shoulder, the silent treatment can be a source of severe harm, Daryl Austin wrote in 2021: https://theatln.tc/zPU8d1Iu

🎨: Getty / Adam Maida / The Atlantic