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Life with Borderline & Bipolar2, Leicester (2025)

27/01/2025

It all started last November sorry it’s taken me this long to write it …

I got up for work one morning made myself a coffee like always and came and sat in the garden. I then had this awful dreaded feeling come over me and started to feel really anxious .
I sat with it for a bit trying to work out why I suddenly felt like this. I got ready for work and went off and seemed to get through the day although the feeling never truly left me. I wasn’t in work the next day and I felt fine. The morning after that I was back in work again and again I started to get the same feelings of anxiety, fear and dread… I knew then it had something to do with work..
the next day I didn’t have work but found myself lying in bed all day and not feeling so good mentally. I felt drained. But I was finished work for the week so I could concentrate on getting myself better for the next week at work.. during that week Steve asked me a couple of times what was wrong and if I was feeling ok I lied and told him I was fine. I didn’t want to admit I might be falling again. The next week was Steve’s birthday week and I was supposed to be working three days, I went I on the Monday but called sick on the Tuesday I told Steve I had called in to spend his birthday with him, which was partially my reason.. maybe he would have believed me if I hadn’t spent half the day in bed. I went into work on the Wednesday and I had the same feelings in the morning but this time I had them all the way to work.. but I was fine when I got in.. on the Sunday I was due to go into work again but this time I was really I’ll I had diohrea and I ached all over I head was pounding and I felt like crap.. I rang into work, of which there response was “wtf”… I couldn’t believe it I messaged my manager who by the way had written this and he more or less told me he didn’t believe I was I’ll.. a few messages were sent back and forth none of which were very nice …. I couldn’t believe a manager would speak to me like this and with me already at a low ebb this just made it even worse.. I put in a complaint to his manager to which I have never had a reply.. I knew I couldn’t go back so I handed in my notice… I felt gutted I so wanted to be normal living the normal life but I can’t even hold a job down.. even if I wasn’t I’ll that day it was coming to an end. So I’m back feeling down and not feeling great about myself. I’m not doing anything.. although Morgan is still making me leave the house…

I started psycho therapy today I’ve been on the waiting list for 4 years.. so we’ll see how I get on with that..

Sorry for the long message but I wanted you to have the whole story xx

23/01/2025

💚💚

25/12/2024

Merry Christmas to you all xx

19/08/2024

Hi guys
I can’t believe it’s been two years since I last wrote.. in my last post I said it would be a journey not a destination and boy what a journey it’s been..
I started to go down hill again, nothing set me off.. it just happened.. I started to not care about myself anymore, after only just picking myself up and starting to care it was all turned around so quickly. I remember staying in my pjs all day not bothering with my hair or brushing my teeth, not washing, not showering.. and feeling so low and empty.. to be honest I must of looked and smelt terrible.
I had no motivation to do anything around the house… the house was getting in a bad state.. my husband did what he could but he was working full time, having to cook and look after me.. not an easy job.. my husband is a great support to me and without him I wouldn’t be here writing this today… I would get up in the morning stay up for about an hour then go back to bed I was so tired.. when I got back up I would fill myself full of chocolate to try and make myself feel better.. this only resulted in me gaining weight and feeling even worse about myself… so what could I do I was stuck… then it came to me, I would overdose.. I would get out of this, if I took diazepam it would either kill me or make me feel better… but Steve( husband) had locked up my tablets from the last time.. he had the key hidden.. I searched everywhere for that key.. I was getting frantic and frustrated.. I took the box that the meds were locked in took it outside and smashed it on the floor.. it came open all the pills came flooding out.. I could take what I wanted… but I only wanted the diazepam.. I took 15 tablets.. everyone was in bed and I just sat there alone wondering if I might die soon.. what was going to happen to me.. I started to get scared.. paranoia was taking control.. what if they get up and find me dead… what happens if it don’t kill me but gives me brain damage.. oh god what have I done… I went upstairs and woke Steve and told him what I had done… he immediately called 999 and got me some help… they took me into hospital.. where they monitored me for hours.. my blood pressure had fallen significantly and they were struggling to bring it back up… but after hours and hours in a&e I eventually got moved to a ward where I was assessed… I got put back under the crisis team and they would come out the same day and assess me again.. I was allowed to go home under strict supervision of Steve.. the crisis team came out and thought it best I go into crisis house again to keep me safe… so it all starts from the bottom again…

like I said before they give a lot of one to one sessions.. and try and prepare you to go back home.. after a weeks stay I returned home.. where I still remained under crisis team.. this was only the start of my journey little did I know what was still to come!
I’ll save that for another post as don’t want to bore you too much 😃..

Thanks for all your support whilst I’ve been away!! 😃xx

19/03/2022

The last post I wrote was back in July that was when it started to go wrong go downhill .., I’ve never felt so low in my life

I can’t remember the day it started or even how it started but I do remember the agonising pain it would cause me.. I didn’t want to get up in the morning I didn’t want to get dressed I didn’t want to eat or shower and certainly didn’t want to be interacting with anyone what was wrong with me why did I feel like this … surely no one else has ever felt this low, I felt so alone but yet didn’t want to reach out either I cocooned myself which now I know only made me worse … this went on got a couple of months then I woke up o e morning and thought I can’t take this anymore I don’t want to be here I do t want to live this life anymore… I started to hide tablets in preparation I knew what had to be done… my husband walked in our bedroom as I was lying there planning what had to be done and at that moment he actually saved me… he was always asking and checking up on me but this time was different like he knew like he knew what I was planning… he told me I needed help more help than he could give me and in that moment I reached out to him and told him how I’d been feeling and what I’d been planning he immediately rang the crisis team… who sent me to a&e….. honestly that was the worst experience of waiting I have ever done but in the end so worth it.. when I did eventually get to see a dr everything moved pretty quick and I was sent to our local mental health unit for an assessment… and although I was sent home I felt I had been listened to and remained under the crisis team for 11 weeks… during that time I had a stay in crisis house for a week who gave me a lot of one to one sessions showing me how to control all these emotions and anxieties but I was the one who would have to put them into practice for them to work no one could do that for me.. I would have to find some strength from somewhere to start building myself back up again … easier said than done… but I found it from somewhere as I’m doing it now… so this is me now still not fully fixed but we’ll on the way to recovery it’s not a destination it’s a journey that’s what I tell myself I’m having to push myself daily.. I’ll tell you the stories another day but I wanted to catch up with you as it’s been so long 💚💚❤️

07/06/2021

When your anxieties come true…

Bloody anxiety I hate it.. it stops me doing most things I used to enjoy…
2 years ago we bought this beautiful baby home, who we call Ember… when we first had her I had all intentions of leaving the house and taking her for walks and runs on the park..
at first I was able to do most things with her and I thought yes she’s helping me.. but the more I got attached to her the more I started to love her.. the more anxiety I got that something would happen to her… I would worry she would get attacked, run away, get stolen, or worse things like she would get ran over… I could see it all happening every time I took her out to the point I had to stop.. I would still walk her on the streets.. well for a little while longer… but the anxiety for leaving the house just got too much… in the end I stopped taking her at all ..!
It all got to much that I was having anxiety on top of my anxiety I didn’t even know what I was anxious about in the end …
Steve still takes Ember for runs and walks and this Sunday he came home with her after her run and she was limping… anxiety came true..!always why he’s out with her I’m worrying … worrying something will happen and this time it did… she tumbled over chasing the ball and has hurt her leg.. the vet doesn’t think it’s broken but we have to keep our eye on her for 48 hours.. she’s still in pain and not using it… I know it only happened yesterday so we need to give her time… she has pain killers and is being spoilt with lots of rest… 🤞 fingers crossed

But how now will I ever rest when she’s out… most of the time the anxiety happens for no reason and we find that all is ok.. sometimes reassured, sometimes not…
What if … what if… what if… that’s all I can think.. I know she’s a dog and need to have fun and run around but what about my fears my anxieties..

The fears and anxieties are a daily battle…
Anxiety controls my every move my every thought…

02/06/2021

Day 8

Just over a week in so wanted to update you on how I’m feeling.. I’m a little better some of the time... the depression still hangs over me like a cloud above my head but it’s not as heavy.. my days have improved slightly as you can see for a start I’m not wearing my dressing gown and I have real clothes on.. ok well a top and leggings but it’s a start...
think it’s a bit too hot for the dressing gown too 🥵...
My days are a little longer to as I’ve stopped taking naps in the day.. don’t think for one minute I’m not tired but I’m trying to push through it.... although right now all I’m doing is sitting here.. but writing too so that’s gotta count for something lol.. wonder how long I can stretch this out for 😂.... how much do you want to read 🤔...
however in between the sitting I’ve actually got some jobs done.. more than I’ve done in the past three months.. I don’t think people believe that when you say you just sit there that’s literally all you do.. my house is slowly getting some attention lol.. and I’ve even done a bit of gardening.. this is over the past few days.. so slight improvement I’d say...
anxiety still lurks around daily and sometimes just pops up for no reason at all..
I did manage a trip to the shop yes the shop!with my daughter ( I wouldn’t do my dream of going alone.. I never go out much let alone on my own)... we went into four small shops but I knew what I wanted from each one we dashed in and out and I was home within the hour phew!!!.. although it wasn’t as bad as I’ve had it before the anxiety still takes control when I’m out of the house...
I felt really exhausted from going out but still this week I didn’t nap...
I feel better if I go out with a plan made in advance.. I’ve learnt that if I plan the time of leaving and where to go and what time I’ll return home I cope better.. ( three hours is my top limit for being out at present).. not that I always manage that but I do keep trying... and trying is all we can do... 💚💚

Do you have any coping strategies for leaving the house.. I’d love you to share 💚💚

31/05/2021

A week on and finally getting somewhere..
spoke to my social worker on Tuesday and also informed her about the psychiatrist and him still not returning my calls...
she rings them and guess what I get a call back what the f**k...
but I get one so after having a go at him and listening to his apology that I’ve heard numerous times before he agrees to try me on an antidepressant called vortioxetine
Never heard of it not sure if that’s a good or bad thing ...
I’m day now on day 6 into taking them and apart from after taking them for the first hour I feel incredibly sick.. I’m doing ok... I’m still on the antipsychotic at the side so hopefully the two will perform miracles in my brain 🤔.... we all need a miracle hey!!

I’m still really tired although yesterday was the first time in over two weeks I didn’t take a nap go me!!!
For the first time in what feels like forever I’ve done a little more around the house too.. I know it’s early days and I don’t want to push myself beyond my anxiety boundary lol but I feel I want to do more.. well at least around the house.. let’s not think I’m going out or anything.. although I do have one trip out this week that I need to do.. I’ll let you know how that goes...
my depression is still here and yes I’m mostly still in my dressing gown but I’m having better moments and that counts for a lot..

I wish you all better moments
💚💚💚

23/05/2021

Nothings changed

The last time I wrote was two weeks ago.. and as you can tell by the photo nothing has changed... I was waiting to speak to my psychiatrist and guess what I’m waiting again..

So last time I waited two weeks for him to ring.. I say waited I was calling them every other day after being made several promises that I would get a phone call that day.. but that say seem to come and go with no calls.. I have no where else to go for my medication.. the GP can’t do anything because I’m under the mental health team.. the crisis team tell me to ring my psychiatrist.. round and round I go.. getting the psychiatrist to call me back is near on impossible... does he just think I’m ringing for a friendly chat.. why would I be so desperate to talk to him if I weren’t so desperate and they just don’t get that...

I feel like a nuisance I really do but I’m struggling... really struggling.. I had a massive melt down on Monday ... I don’t know how to control my brain or my body I feel I loose it all..

eventually he called me back after two whole weeks two whole weeks of turmoil.. he upped my meds and told me to call him back in one week ( I almost laughed as I knew what would happen again)to let him know how I was getting on and if still struggling he would issue an antidepressant at the side...
so still struggling I called him back in the Monday.. did he call me back as promised NO.. of course he didn’t he has just left me again a whole week to continue like this... I’m ringing him on a daily basis now so someone is going to get fed up with me... I’m shouting out for help and the people that need to listen .. well they just don’t...

I know COVID is still here and that resources are stretched but mental health services have been battered... and it leaves people like me and probably you reading this with no where to go...

I’ll update you when I finally get that call, fingers crossed for tomorrow 🤞💚

17/05/2021

It’s a year today since my dad passed away.. I wrote a little something that I’d like to share... ❤️

It’s a year to the day the 17th May
Since the angels come and took you away

I miss you so much it makes my heart sink
Then I look at your photos and give you a wink
I remember you and your big cheer
And back in the day how you liked a beer
I remember how we used to laugh and the things you used to say
I remember how you did little things in your own peculiar way
But most of all I remember us and how we used to be
A little girl with daddy and sitting on his knee
I remember looking up to you, you were big and strong
Always looking out for me and being my number one

I love you dad with all my heart
And even now we are apart
I still have you day and night
I just have to close my eyes real tight

I see you like your really there I see you smile I see your hair.. but I open my eyes and it’s not true and the heartache carry’s through.

So I keep you in my heart and in my memories too
I never will forget the day I lost you..
But I try to remember the good not the bad
And feel so blessed to have called you my dad ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Life with Borderline & Bipolar2

27/01/2025

23/01/2025

25/12/2024

19/08/2024

19/03/2022

07/06/2021

02/06/2021

31/05/2021

23/05/2021

17/05/2021

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