01/01/2025
It’s not often I say I can’t wait to see the back of a year, but 2024 is certainly one of those times.
Trying (and failing) to get pregnant, lost in that monthly grief that no one seems to talk about. The thick fog of hope, disappointment and failure…
Existing within the liminal space of trying to move out of our house and the arduous cycle of waiting, chasing, waiting, chasing...
Finding the seemingly house of our dreams only to be guzumped.
Getting pregnant.
Miscarrying. The unbearable and silent grief... The failure, depression, resentment, despair.
In this fog finding another home and almost getting across the finish line, just for it all to fall apart 2 weeks before we moved.
Canceling plan after plan due to the house move almost happening (and being delayed).
Getting pregnant again, and finding not joy, but sheer anxiety and guilt for feeling anxious.
Moving out of London with no where to call our home.
Having to stop my ecstatic dances and work.
Being told out of the blue the police might have found remains of my father.
My aunt going into a coma.
Being told the remains are not his. We will not after all have the closure we thought we might.
My aunt dying.
Whilst I realize this sounds like I am complaining, this is just an account of my year. Amongst the backdrop of what has been going on in the world I know I am beyond privileged and lucky. And in it there were shards of light;
My loving wonderful husband.
The gratitude to those who showed up for me, us.
The Italian wedding trip with close friends.
The green countryside every day.
Finding a house we love, that so far seems to be going in the right direction. (Third time lucky?)
The trip to Ibiza with my love.
Getting pregnant and (so far) staying pregnant.
…and many lessons summed up by one word:
SURRENDER.
The more I fought the lack of control I felt over my life the worse it got. I think it was around the time of thinking they had found my dad I realized I had to let go of the reigns and ride the white horse 🌊
There is so much to look forward to in 2025.
I will be surrendering to life’s plan this time. My word of 2025 is NURTURE.
What is yours?