Dr Nicola Tweedie

13/01/2024

“Fear destroys curiosity and playfulness. In order to have a healthy society we must raise children who can safely play and learn”. This is the work of every significant adult, in a child’s life. And it is also the work of many adults, learning to re-parent themselves.
My sense of my inner child and those of the people I’m honoured to work with; is that many of us have an intensely hostile and critical relationship, that silences and squashes our own needs and in turn isolates and exhausts us.
The very signals that should tempt us to reach out to others, become reasons to fear or doubt, and we retreat and ruminate, thinking we are not enough or are too much.
Really what we all need is to reach out and to be reached out to. We need to feel trusted and trusting. And we must risk rejection and abandonment in order to do this. This risk is the very reason it is so precious.
If we can bare the possibility that someone will respond and create a moment where we demonstrate trust in another we increase the possibility of connection, of being part of something, of being noticed and being seen.
And this is the most healing experience of all. When we have been traumatised, some part of that experience was isolating, some part of it included the thought of not being able to cope or survive or go on. And that thought is the essence of being alone with the pain. And what begins the healing is to know you are not alone. What builds the foundation for safety, is connection and then community.
Sometimes, we are drawn to being a hero or a singular character who can save the day or who can battle alone. Sometimes that helps to make sense of the pain and suffering. But what is more lasting and can begin to mend inter-generational trauma, is the legacy of community, of being part of something far bigger than “me”.
We are many, who have known threat and fear and we can see it in ourselves and others. That heightened awareness makes us look to read those around us.
Sometimes we might do well to notice when others are showing out as unsafe or uncertain, and make small gestures to increase their sense of safety. Because, in doing so, we make that more possible for ourselves. We create a focus that is about safety and is a deliberate act of kindness. And those many moments, stitched together, can make possible, new learnings and lasting change.
So take time with those you meet today, those you know and those you don’t. Lean into the kindness and the laughter and the gentleness and the calm. Grow each positive feeling a little more, emphasise each moment of safety and play and watch with wonder, as others around you, do the same.

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So if this article is right, it may explain a great deal. Although not peer-reviewed, some time has been taken by the authors to seperate out and consider what might be going on here.
I’ve been surprised throughout my career and also as I listen to my patients, about how much rudeness we suffer.
I mean personal, unsolicited rudeness. Not the kind of rudeness that erupts in an argument. That seems to me to be different. Not better or ok, but different.
I’m interested in the kind of rudeness that emerges when the person isn’t there, that is a “ganging up” by a group. That then gives permission to some of that group to be rude to another or to treat them badly.
The article doesn’t explore why this happens but I have a few thoughts on this, from personal observation.
1) people feel ignorant and/or inadequate:
When the tasks of the team are too complex for the group (maybe not some of the individuals, but for more than most) and regularly take them beyond what they are trained or experienced enough to safely undertake, this behaviour emerges because it is functional. It helps to visit the uncomfortable feelings of ignorance and inadequacy on another and to get them out of your system, even temporarily. This is particularly true of leaders who are out of their depth, being told about problems by their subordinates. If the leader already feels they can’t manage the task, a supervisee bringing issues around civility is more likely to increase the leaders sense of incompetence about their role and therefore invite overwhelm, than meet with a person ready to take on yet more bad news. And this is particularly the case if the person bringing the problem appears to be working well and looking after themselves and being civil and responsible. The jealousy and shame that it invokes is very hard to manage. So where you see rudeness, become curious about competence.
2) people are not well organised around their tasks:
When people are isolated in their tasks or don’t have shared responsibility for supporting each other, directly through the tasks of the job, problems emerge. I see this in healthcare all the time. We like to give individual clinicians tasks to do and then ask them to “write it up”…it’s very isolating. When we share tasks (or decisions) we get to know others better. We get to appreciate their strengths and weaknesses and we get to feel curious. When this is done badly and in a disorganised fashion, it is counter-productive and people say that the other “left me to it” or “got away with not doing the paperwork”. It’s not as simple as telling people to do something together. This is about building in lasting and meaningful ways of sharing the load. And deliberately creating spaces where people are expected to value and respect each other. You look at the plaudits or compliments in a team and they are, in the main, all about people helping each other…about doing something meaningful…together.
3) people are traumatised:
I don’t say this lightly and mean it very seriously. I work in healthcare, and can’t comment in this regard, for other work settings. However, many people experience trauma in their lives and we have all lived through the pandemic where many people were traumatised.
My definition of trauma, is: an experience that left you feeling fearful that you might not survive and where you felt you could not cope. I believe that we can be traumatised at work becuase we fear we might not survive “professionally”. That when the work is so frightening that it leaves you feeling terrified that a mistake or sequence of events could lead to you being “struck off”, it becomes traumatising. We all make mistakes and we all have days where we can’t function at our best. We get tired and we suffer personal losses, we get ill and we get distracted. We can’t be perfect all the time. But sometimes this leaves employees feeling impossibly overstretched.
I’ve heard numerous patients tell me about horrendously stressful expectations at work, where they are left physically ill becuase they can’t use the toilet due to having no breaks or where they were made to work in cold conditions or were forced to work night shifts. They were traumatised by feeling unable to pay their bills or look after their children because they felt they had no other possible option, other than their current job.
In situations where the team may be traumatised, either because the work they do is inherently traumatic (like in emergency services, military etc) or where the level of demand regularly exceeds what people can reasonably do, you are likely to find traumatised employees. This is on top of those individuals who have already experienced personal trauma in childhood or adulthood - like physical or sexual abuse or neglect, or intimate partner violence, or su***de, or road traffic accidents etc.
This can lead to fears of being or feeling, vulnerable. Because of the association between feeling vulnerable and being traumatised.
So then when we feel that we are brought a complex problem or witness something that makes us feel inadequate, we respond defensively to reduce that state. And the easiest way to do that is to minimise or devalue it. Or minimise or devalue the person that brought it.

So where you see rudeness, it might be helpful to notice these things and pay some attention to competence, sharing and trauma.

https://hbr.org/2019/07/why-people-get-away-with-being-rude-at-work?utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=hbr&utm_source=facebook&tpcc=orgsocial_edit&fbclid=IwAR0m49MPwSF7ngdW6JFwfKaOVrd3iUNv9MzNptGq8sHiLKq-eHQWqYg3e_E&fs=e&s=cl

People who experience workplace rudeness report lower engagement, suffer more mental and physical health problems, and are more likely to burn out and quit their jobs. But while some research has indicated leaders take reports of bad behavior seriously, get the facts, and punish offenders, a new ser...