28/04/2025
When big things happen, it’s a the little gestures that soothe. When a family is dealing with a loss of a loved one, initially there are so many jobs to do, ‘sadmin’ as it’s known. It is a state of shock, even if the death was expected. It can feel surreal, untethered and adrenalised. If the family is using a celebrant, I meet them in these early stages and I need to try to gain trust and ask them about the person they have lost so I can help them turn it into a service to honour them. Where possible and if the family are open to it, I will pop in a few days or a week or so after the service and deliver a copy and have a chat and talk without needing any information from them, share a tea, have a bit of cake, the grief might have found a space to unfold a little. People tend to rally when it happens then go back to their lives. Often people are worried about saying the wrong thing, so say nothing, the silence is hurtful. I too can be worried about saying the wrong thing, but I focus more on just showing up, small gestures, gentle enquiry and then just listening without agenda and not over staying as they are emotionally exhausted. If I sense things are so raw, sometimes I will even say ‘I’m conscious I don’t want to say anything to add to your pain, lets have an agreement that if I say anything unhelpful, you can just say that.’ That tends to clear the air and they don’t have to take care of my feelings. Try not to agonise about how to help people going through a hard time, in the case of a death, the worst has already happened, you can’t change that, just show up, be genuine, bring food or drink but sometimes flowers can be overwhelming, bring yourself, just don’t turn away or cross the street to avoid. However awkward or uncomfortable you may feel, put that aside and show up anyway.
