05/06/2023
I didn’t realise the importance of community until I lost it.
In the “before times”, I felt connected to 4 main communities in different parts of the world and I used to proudly and loudly love my life; travelling between them each year on a little circuit - india/Thailand/London/Scandinavia - and flitting between being a student and a teacher.
Life was good.
I felt at home in several places.
I felt wanted, needed, loved, useful.
But from 2018 every community that I was connected to started to fall apart. Either rocked by abuse scandals in the spiritual world or taken out by Covid.
At the time I didn’t really notice because I had fallen madly, head over heels in love with a woman. As these spiritual groups collapsed, I thought Id been saved by some sort of divine timing and didn’t need anyone else because I had her… and she became my whole world. I can see now that that was a fatal mistake and far too much pressure and expectation to place on any one person.
When she ended things at the start of Covid, I found myself truly alone. I had nowhere to go, no one to be with… nothing left except for my work with and so now I made that my whole world instead. And I became more and more depressed, resentful and bitter. Yoga teaching used to be my passion, my purpose…. But now it became a business, a chore. (I’m quitting teaching after this summer - but more on that in future posts)
It took time to rekindle old friendships and build new ones. And the work is still happening. But on days like yesterday where we celebrated a friends birthday and watched the full moon rise over my favourite beach - I consider myself really lucky to have an awesome bunch of friends. And remind myself of how valuable this is, and not to take it for granted ever again.
In September I will shed the title “yoga teacher” which I feel no longer fits, perhaps it never did.
I don’t know what comes next, but with this kind of support I feel comfortable, even excited about not knowing. It’s like taking a night time dive and I can’t see the river beneath.