Dr Danielle Gerson: Clinical Psychologist

29/06/2022

Connection and an update!

This is my first post in absolutely ages. I am sorry for the long silence. Anyone else feeling like you're living in an even-faster-than-pre-covid pace at the moment? It's almost as if everyone wants to catch up with everything all of a sudden and in one go!

How are you? When life gets busier it's hard to take the time to really check in on ourselves. We've collectively been through quite a lot these recent years, how are you doing in the aftermath of all that has gone before?

There is something wonderful about reconnecting with other human beings and feeling busy again but dare I say it I do miss some of the slower-pace of the past couple of years. It feels like it can be tricky to find the balance between these extremes.

Over the past few months and weeks, I have been thinking a lot about connection. The importance of feeling connected to others, the impact of isolation and disconnection and how we manage feelings of loneliness that sometimes don’t make sense. We have all heard the cliché about feeling alone despite being surrounded by others, and it is true that feeling disconnected doesn’t necessarily relate to the number of people that are in your physical proximity. It also relates to the qualities of our relationships; whether we feel the people around us are really there when we need them. And it is so essential to most of us, that difficulties in relationships are one of the primary issues that people bring to therapy. But after the past couple of years we have had, our relationships are bound to have been impacted in different ways. And it takes effort, time, investment to build them up, and even more effort to seek out opportunities to create new connections.

It is well established in psychological research that social support and connection can have wide-ranging and important benefits for us. Having friends, family, neighbours and members of our community that we feel we can turn to when we need helps us to be more resilient in the face of life’s stressors and can protect us from mental health and physical health problems (e.g. Ozbay et al, 2007).

One thing that has kept me busy the past few weeks is launching my new community interest company Think Antenatal CIC. It has been so exciting creating something from an idea into the beginnings of reality. We are hoping to offer psychologically-informed antenatal classes to help people prepare psychologically and practically for parenthood. Lead by me and my lovely sister-in-law who is a neonatal nurse and expert on all things baby-care, we are hoping to secure funding so we can offer subsidised or free places to local parents. My vision is that we can create something to help prevent the kinds of problems for which people seek therapy with me further down the line.

Speaking with parents in therapy, in my social life and even reflecting on my own parenting experiences reveals lots of similar themes. Self-blame, self-criticism, isolation, overwhelm and anxiety crop up lots. Connection and compassion are key to managing challenges like this, and helping us navigate our way through. These are important themes that we hope to help people develop on our future courses.

This doesn't just apply to parents of course. Social support is a key protective factor for us all. As we emerge from the past couple of years and all the challenges that brought, treating ourselves and others with kindness and intentionally building connections can help.

If any of this feels relevant to you, perhaps consider who in your existing network you could contact. You could even map out or list people you know and think about how you might strengthen these relationships, maybe even making a plan for who to contact, how and what for. Different relationships can serve different functions: it's ok if there's someone you would like to spend time with but maybe wouldn't have deep and meaningfuls with. You may feel some of those you know you'd feel comfortable arranging a coffee with, others maybe a text or phone call, others perhaps a shared hobby or a day trip, others that you could offer or ask for a favour from etc

Or consider how you might build up new connections. Trying every day to do at least one action that connects you to other people--> saying hello to a stranger, smiling at someone, asking the person on the checkout how their day is going, joining a new class or group, texting or calling a friend, saying yes to opportunities when they arise, taking a risk and making the first move, asking a neighbour to join you for a coffee or a walk, using apps to meet new friends (they aren't just for dating, there are some great ones out there!) or creating opportunities yourself…connection can really help to boost our mood.

Becoming self-employed was one of the ways my life changed in the context of the pandemic. It's been a liberating, exciting, challenging experience that I have loved, but there are tricky parts to going it alone. Since embarking on a bit of a mission for connection myself, I've found lots of self-employed people out there who also adore their jobs but miss having colleagues to connect with. We've created our own little network now and things like this can really shift those feelings of isolation that often accompany lone working. So I bet if you're feeling it, someone else out there is too.

If you have felt similarly, or have found ways to reconnect with others, I'd love to hear about it if you feel like sharing.

Thanks for reading and sending my warmest wishes to you, Danielle


[Heres the reference in case you're interested: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2921311/ ]

12/02/2021

The Power of Validation

There is almost too much “helpful” information out there, so I am in two minds about producing more to add to the overwhelm. But perhaps it is useful to cut through it all and share one really simple reminder about something that is universally helpful. This is helpful for you to do for yourself, for family/friends to do for each other, and for parents to do for their kids.

I can’t emphasise enough how important it is to notice, acknowledge, understand and give permission for us (or our loved ones) to feel the way we do. Validating our feelings goes a long way towards lowering our “emotional temperature” and is a really crucial (often missed!) step before we go into problem-solving mode.

In relationships we can all think of times where we have wanted someone to really listen and understand, and the frustration when that person instead jumps in with suggestions to try and “fix” things for us. As parents, it can feel like we have to solve problems all the time – validating how your children are feeling can sometimes be all they need. When someone tries to fix problems for us, it can accidently leave us feeling as though we have failed in some way, or prevent us from connecting with our own wisdom and ideas about what to do (this applies to both adults and children). Equally, when the “helper” goes into their own stories about times this has happened to them, or tries to “cheer” us up with stories about how lucky we are, it can unintentionally feel quite dismissive of our experiences and is a lost opportunity for connection. Often we all just need to be seen, heard, and properly understood rather than have the situation fixed. Shifting from “doing/fixing” mode into “being with” mode is not easy and sitting with distress (however small or big) without trying to get rid of it as quickly as possible can be uncomfortable. But it is often the quickest and most effective way of helping others, and ourselves.

So here is a step-by-step guide to validation. You can literally work through the steps for yourself, for your child or for anyone else. If you give this a go, or if you do things slightly differently to this, please feel free to share, we can all learn tips from each other.

1. NAME THAT FEELING:
This is such a crucial step as it helps you figure out what to do next. When doing this for kids it has the added bonus of improving children’s emotional literacy which is protective for their future mental health. Congruence is key with this: try and do this matching the intensity of the person’s feeling, with a warm tone and facial expression and from a place of a genuine attempt to put yourself in their shoes (if the other person is expressing their emotions very strongly, and you say this in a very low, weak voice it will feel frustrating to them. If you more closely match their intensity it feels much more containing.) Also be prepared that you might guess their feelings wrong, and that’s ok, be open to the person correcting you.

Adult example: “That sounds so awful, are you feeling fed up/frustrated/[insert swear word]?”

Child example (adjust to age of child): “You seem like you are feeling sad/mad/cross, is that right?”

Self example: take a moment to check in with yourself, notice what emotions you are feeling (even if its several or contradictory ones) and where in your body you are noticing any physical sensations. Just observe and describe without judging if you can.

2. BE CURIOUS:
Show that you genuinely care by expressing interest and a desire to really understand (no matter how minor the problem seems to you).

“Is that how you are feeling? What has happened? Do you want to tell me about it?”

3. GIVE PERMISSION:
Give yourself or others permission to feel and allow whatever feelings arise. They are all allowed.

Adult example: "Of course you are feeling fed up, it’s bloody hard right now isn’t it, you can’t do the usual things that you want to do, you’re trying to (insert specific details) – you’re bound to be feeling xyz, anybody in your shoes would feel that way”

Child examples: “Of course you are feeling cross, it was really important for you to play with that toy wasn’t it, and you felt like your brother snatched it from you and that felt unkind”

“Of course you are feeling sad, you haven’t seen your friends properly in so long, you are stuck with just mummy all the time, and you haven’t been able to see or have cuddles with your grandparents for ages. This is such a hard time!”

Self example: “Of course I’m feeling xyz, I’m in the midst of a pandemic, I’m facing xyz, this situation has pressed these buttons for me…I’m bound to feel this way!”

4. OFFER LOVE, ACKNOWLEGEMENT OF STRENGTHS, COMPASSION:
Pay attention to the person’s (or your own) strengths and remind them of their value.

Adult example: “I care about you. You’re an amazing wife/friend/parent/at your job; you work so hard and are doing so well under these difficult circumstances. Don’t forget the time you xyz (example of time you did something well), I’m proud of you”

Child example: “I love you and your brother loves you too. He shouldn’t have snatched it from you but he really wanted to play with it. Thank you for talking to me. Shall we talk with him about how it made you feel?”
“I love you so much, I’m so proud of how well you are coping with this very hard time. You have worked so hard, you have just got on with things but I do understand that it is not easy for you”

5. TAKE HELPFUL ACTION:
In some cases, once you have validated the problem you might be ready to move onto problem-solving it. Alternatively, if it’s not a solvable problem you may need to think about meeting other needs like providing support, physical affection (if wanted of course) or distraction:

A. PROBLEM SOLVING
Child example: “Shall we talk with your brother about how you might share this toy? Do you want to play with it together or take it in turns? How long are you going to have each?”

Adult example: “Have you got any thoughts about what you want to do about this? Do you want any ideas from me? Can I help you think this through?”

B. WHEN YOU CAN’T CHANGE THE SITUATION
Consider any other ways of offering support.

Child example:
“We can’t change this situation even though I wish we could. Shall we think about any things we can do to make it easier? Would you like to have some special mummy/daddy/zoom with grandma/zoom playdate time this week? Shall we write down together all the fun things we are going to do once the virus has got smaller?”

C. PHYSICAL AFFECTION
“Would you like a cuddle?”

D. DISTRACTION (only after giving opportunities to talk, not to shut down conversation)

“Do you want to talk more about this or do you want to watch a bit of TV with me/read a book/come and have a drink/play something/have some quiet time to see if that helps?” (Always check in later on about how the person is then feeling so that things aren’t just being brushed under the carpet).

What are your thoughts? Do you find validation for yourselves or others to be helpful?

If you have any concerns about your or someone else’s wellbeing, please speak with your GP.

Dr Danielle Gerson is a qualified, registered clinical psychologist in private practice. Contact me at danielle@manchester-psychologist.co.uk.

18/01/2021

30/09/2020

𝐁𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐅𝐫𝐞𝐞 𝐅𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐍𝐞𝐠𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐓𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐬: 𝐅𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐓𝐨𝐩 𝐓𝐢𝐩𝐬

Do you find yourself often thinking the worst, or convincing yourself that things are your fault, that people dislike you or that it’s all going wrong? If so, read on for reasons why this happens, and some simple tips to help you to achieve more balanced and fair thinking.

𝙒𝙝𝙮 𝙙𝙤 𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙙𝙨 𝙙𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨??

Our minds are designed to jump to conclusions constantly, as processing each individual situation we find ourselves in would take far too long and be too hard work. So we never approach situations with a blank slate; we approach things with all the baggage of what has happened to us before.

Any situation that we are in can be interpreted in different ways. Let’s say, for example, someone doesn’t respond to a phone call or text from you. What meaning might you place on that? Does your mind jump to positive or neutral assumptions? You might dismiss this as them being busy and have confidence that they continue to value their relationship with you. Or does your mind jump to negative, self-critical assumptions? You might assume they didn’t care that much about you, that they have other things or other people that they value more, or even that they don’t like you or are annoyed with you about something. The way you make sense of this will depend on your mood that day, your existing knowledge of the person involved, and your past experiences.

Of course, any negative assumptions might be true. But they also might not. If you find that across a range of different situations, you tend to jump to these similar negative conclusions and allow them to go unchallenged, it is likely that there are thinking traps at work. We all fall into thinking traps all the time, but if we are unaware that is what is happening, and we start to treat our thoughts as if they are facts, then it can start to grind us down and affect our feelings about ourselves.

𝐓𝐨𝐩 𝐓𝐢𝐩𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐁𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐅𝐫𝐞𝐞 𝐅𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐓𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐬

1. NOTICE

Thoughts are not facts. Catch the thoughts or images that pop into your head. Notice what thoughts run through your mind in response to events. Consider writing them down or recording them somewhere. (E.g. “Event: – missed deadline at work. Thoughts: Everyone will think I’m rubbish at my job. I don’t deserve to work here. I should just quit”)

2. TAKE A STEP BACK

Imagine that you are an investigator in a court of law, or a scientist only interested in cold hard facts, looking objectively at your thoughts. Examine the evidence that this thought is true, and any times that it is not 100% true. Consider writing the arguments for and against it. Try hard to find examples that support this statement. Are there any flaws in your statement? Are you making “all or nothing” statements about yourself when the reality might be somewhere in the middle? Are you mind-reading or looking in a crystal ball and assuming the worst? Are you being fair to yourself? What would a trusted and honest friend say to you if they knew what you were thinking? What would you say to a friend who was thinking this about themselves?

3. RESPOND

Can you “answer back” your unhelpful thought with a fairer, kinder, more balanced one? Try to include lots of fact-based detail so that it is convincing. Spend time reading over your response, and see how it makes you feel. When you look at the situation with this new perspective, does anything shift for you? (E.g “I missed this deadline at work and that is disappointing and might affect people’s views of me right now, so of course I feel miserable about it. But I have never missed a deadline before, I have received positive feedback about my last project and have some good relationships with colleagues. I’ve coped with difficult situations like XYZ before and I know that I will overcome this”)

4. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

Do something that will help. Trust in your own wisdom and do something that is in your best interests. Ask a trusted friend for their opinion, spend time with others, do an activity that you enjoy, reach out to people even if you feel like pulling away from them, take some time to yourself if you need that too. Take care of your physical health: make sure you are nourishing yourself, drinking water, sleeping, seeing your GP for any health concerns.

5. LEARNING

Over time, see if there are any themes or traps that you find yourself being pulled into repeatedly. Do these themes make sense to you given your personal experiences? Keep practicing spotting and challenging these thoughts, rather than accepting them as truths, no matter how convincing they seem. Every time you challenge rather than accept a belief, you are training your mind to be more open to other, kinder possibilities. Just like learning any new skill, this gets easier with practice.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about this. Feel free to comment below or contact me.

If you feel you would benefit from some professional help to deal with unhelpful thinking, please contact your GP or seek a private therapist or clinical psychologist.

25/08/2020

About Me:

There’s not much space in the official ‘About’ section, so a little more about me:

I’m an experienced, compassionate clinical psychologist, registered with the HCPC. I work in private practice offering online appointments and a limited number of in-person appointments at a lovely clinic in Prestwich, North Manchester. I provide bespoke, evidence-based therapy designed to meet your particular needs for difficulties including anxiety, depression, stress, perinatal distress and trauma.

Since qualifying with a doctorate in clinical psychology in 2011, I have held a range of positions so I have broad experience to draw from. These have included working in Adult Mental Health services including eating disorders, home-based treatment and perinatal teams and in a Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service.

I draw on a range of psychological models to design a personalised plan with you to meet your goals. Models include cognitive behavioural therapy, compassion focussed therapy, EMDR, mindfulness and narrative therapy.

Wellbeing courses, training for organisations and schools & clinical supervision are also available. I am currently working on a psychologically-informed antenatal group which will be launching soon.

I work with people who wish to pay for their own therapy and am also registered with most health insurance companies.

Outside of work I’m a mum to two young children and enjoy acquiring books I rarely have time to read, running and attempting to learn how to play the piano. Kindness, compassion and curiosity are the values that underpin everything I do. I’m always happy to have a no-obligation chat about how I can help you, so please do feel free to get in touch.

To discuss an appointment please feel free to contact me, or book yourself in for a free 20 minute initial phone chat here: https://manchester-psychologist.selectandbook.com/

17/08/2020

Failure

How often do you feel you have failed? I had one of those days recently, so I actually counted. Before I had the chance to stop and challenge these unhelpful thoughts, my brain jumped to thoughts of failure more than 23 times. 23 times!

I wasn’t a good enough wife, mother, daughter, friend....I was too strict, too lax, too self-absorbed, too much on my phone...the food I made my kids was too processed, the decisions I made were not eco-friendly enough, the house wasn’t tidy enough, I wasn’t being efficient enough at work...I didn’t get enough sleep, didn’t drink enough water, ate too much junk, didn’t exercise enough...

But I’m lucky, I have years of training to help me STOP, notice the stories my brain tells me and to think more carefully about it.

What actually is failure? It is not living up to expectations. But who sets these expectations? And are they in line with YOUR personal values or are they pervasive societal messages we can’t help absorbing?

Think about one particular role you occupy. What stories are there in the world about how to be a good (friend/parent/man/colleague/student etc)? What images does the ideal version of this role bring to mind? When you think about this carefully, the contradictory messages and completely impossible expectations are very clear. So of course we are all doomed to fail.

But what if we flip the conversation? What if we haven’t failed ourselves at all? What if when failing to live ‘up’ to a social norm or expectation, it is the expectation that is all wrong. Maybe we are actually rejecting that expectation, protesting it even, and living a life that fits more closely with what is important to us.

Michael White did some wonderful work about this. I really recommend his writing. Next time you see yourself as having failed in one of your many roles or tasks, consider that it might not be you that has failed at all. Ask yourself if you are actually standing up against these impossible expectations and be proud of yourself for living your own values.

01/08/2020

Living Your Values

So a bit of a personal post from me after a period of absence. How are you, whoever you are reading this? I mean, really. How are you really?

It’s been really hard in a whole host of ways hasn’t it? For me, my last few weeks have been filled with the relentless (but privileged) tasks of parenting and working. I know that I am incredibly lucky to be a parent, to have my health, a job, a partner, but I must admit that my patience and gratitude have worn thin on more than one occasion recently. My days have largely consisted of working, “home schooling” (to a greater or lesser extent), playing referee to the children, making meals and snacks (a LOT!), trying to keep up with the never-ending laundry and housework, trying to have some time with my husband, and drinking countless cups of coffee. It is a contradictory mixture of wonderful, exhausting, overwhelming, exciting, boring, lonely, special and totally mundane.

With no childcare and two little ones plus work, I don’t feel there is time to think at the moment. However, my focus has definitely zoomed in on the smaller things, with less of the noise associated with normal life. Whilst I am desperately missing some of these ‘normal’ things, like contact with friends, separation between work and home, time alone, leisure activities we used to enjoy etc, I do feel thankful that I have had this period of time to do some re-evaluating of what is really important to me. I guess there is little more powerful than a total upheaval of your life and being faced with a risk to the health and wellbeing of everybody you love to get you focussing on what really matters.

In my clinical psychology work, and for my own personal wellbeing, I have become increasingly interested in therapeutic approaches that consider our values to be central to our ways of living a meaningful life, coping with problems and tolerating difficulties. Clarifying our own personal values can be really enlightening, as we can find ways to continue living our values even in the face of problems. Our values can act like a compass, “they give us direction, keep us on track, and help us find our way when we get lost.” (Harris, 2019)

The situation that we have all found ourselves in is not our fault. We are all doing the best we can. Despite the shared problem of this pandemic, we all have our own unique circumstances and challenges. Bereavement, separation from those we love, loss, financial uncertainty, work-related stress, illness, isolation etc can all make this already difficult situation so much harder. Whilst we have to be very cautious (I think) not to pathologise our very normal responses to this very abnormal situation, and to recognise that our own feelings are entirely understandable in the current context, there are ways that we can take some actions that might help our own coping.

Exploring and connecting with our own values is one powerful way to do this. I have used these last few weeks and months to reconnect with my own values and am trying to live them in various ways. Do you know what you value? What really matters to you? Ask yourself what you stand for? What gives you purpose and energises you? What do you disapprove of or dislike? What makes you feel passionate? Who inspires you and what qualities do they have that you admire?

For me personally, some days I feel more closely aligned with them than others. But I do feel that trying to more consciously connect with what is important to me has given purpose and meaning to my life and gives me courage. I have taken small steps (like social media breaks and keeping my phone in a different room more frequently, so that I can try and be more present), bigger steps (like stopping colouring my hair to embrace my more authentic self and to challenge my societal-learned views about women’s value being linked to appearance, youth and attractiveness) and one or two enormous steps (like resigning from my job) in pursuit of my personal values.

I am hugely lucky that I am able to do some of these things through the practical and emotional support given to me by others. I recognise that many are not in such a fortunate position and therefore have to endure situations that feel jarring and wrong. Becoming aware of what you value, and noticing what does not align with your values, can make challenging situations a little easier to tolerate. Values allow us to take actions to shape our lives and hopefully move us closer to living a more authentic and meaningful life.

When I look to the future past the next month, I like most of us literally have no idea what it will look like. Uncertainty is so scary and uncomfortable, but also an exciting opportunity to do different, new things. Hopefully things that feel more right than what came before.

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Dr Danielle Gerson is a qualified clinical psychologist offering online private psychological therapy, courses, training and consultation. Contact me on:

danielle@manchester-psychologist.co.uk
07480 064071
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling/danielle-gerson-manchester-eng/764396

You can also find out more and book a free 15 minute initial consultation here:
Dr Danielle Gerson: Clinical Psychologist

25/05/2020

Couldn’t have put it better myself. This illustrates the importance of shifting our questions to those in distress from ‘what is wrong with you?’ to the more accurate, scientifically-valid and hopefully helpful, ‘what happened to you?’

https://www.madintheuk.com/2020/05/whats-the-matter-with-tony-slattery/

For me, this documentary raised so many issues beyond Tony’s individual story. I was deeply touched by his honesty and I sincerely hope he is now getting the trauma-informed support he has needed since he was a desperate, terrified 8-year-old boy more than half a century ago. But it also raises wi...

20/04/2020

Ugh. It’s a bit heavy right now isn’t it. Our feelings are all over the place. We felt anxious, maybe even panicky a few weeks ago. Maybe we managed that by being really productive and planning. Maybe we managed it by just panicking. Maybe just by shutting down. ⁣
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The anxiety might still be there, maybe even fear. Maybe sadness and grief, depending on your situation. Not just grief because we have lost people, also grief because we have lost our plans, our hopes, our certainties.⁣
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Maybe the anxiety is giving way to something else. Something more meh. Something flatter, more helpless, maybe even a bit angry. ⁣
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It’s been a few weeks now and perhaps we, because we are humans, are starting to become a little more immune to the constant crash of bad news. And we are realising that we are in this for a while, and that perhaps some of the things that we’ve been doing aren’t sustainable. And maybe we’re starting to feel a bit lonely now. We’ve lost a lot of our usual coping strategies, we’ve lost perhaps the people and the touch which boosts us up. We’re dealing with new stresses and old ones, and we don’t have much time or head space to process it all. ⁣
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But, perhaps most of all, we’re feeling a little forgotten. ⁣
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For many people, now is the time that the old baggage comes up again. If you have, at any time, as many people have, felt that your needs were not recognised, and that you were not ‘seen’, it can be so difficult to feel so shut in now. I’ve talked before here, many times, about how often we seek validation from external sources. The pat on the back, the praise. You might still be getting this in some way if you are managing to work around children. But for many people, that external validation has disappeared and it’s hard to feel recognised. To feel seen. To feel that someone knows you are here, that you exist, that you are of value. ⁣
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How do we know we are valued if we begin to feel invisible? ⁣
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So tell me - who sees you? And how can you make sure you ‘see’ and value yourself?