25/08/2025
Awakening from Comparison: How Do We Raise More Confident Children After Immigration?
By Dr. Leung King-Wai, Frank
Registered Counselling Psychologist (HCPC, UK & HKPS)
Chartered Psychologist and Associate Fellow (British Psychological Society)
Fellow (Hong Kong Psychological Society)
25 August 2025 | Solihull, Birmingham, United Kingdom
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A Courageous Transition, and the Invisible Pressure It Brings
For those of us who moved from Hong Kong to the UK—whether for our children’s education, our family's future, or to escape pressure and uncertainty—the decision itself was already incredibly courageous.
Yet in this new environment, many of us find ourselves unconsciously comparing ourselves to other Hongkongers:
• “Their kids speak English so fluently. Mine still doesn’t know how to respond…”
• “They’ve already bought a house; we’re still renting…”
• “Their daughter got into a grammar school; mine didn’t…”
• “They’ve settled down so quickly, and I’m still unsure if staying was the right choice…”
These voices are familiar because in Hong Kong, comparison is part of the culture, even a parenting method disguised as love. In some ways, we compare to push ourselves and our children to improve; we compare to prove we’re not falling behind.
But in the UK, this mindset is not only outdated—it can unknowingly harm ourselves, our children, and the trust and solidarity among Hong Kong immigrants.
Behind Comparison Lies an “Inferiority Feeling”
Comparison is often a reflection of an underlying sense of inferiority.
Those of us who grew up in Hong Kong were immersed in a culture of comparison from a young age.
From academic performance, appearance, school rankings, and exam results to extracurricular activities, music grades, universities, careers, income, marriage, property ownership, and even our children’s achievements—every stage of life is steeped in comparison.
Often, this comes from our parents—not out of malice, but from worry, concern, or what they believed was love:
• “Look at how well Ah Ming scored—why can’t you do the same?”
• “The girl next door got into a Band 1 school—why can’t you work harder?”
• “Your cousin got into university—you’d better catch up!”
These phrases are all too familiar. And as adults, we sometimes find ourselves saying the same things to our own children—unintentionally repeating the cycle.
Inferiority: A Wound Grown from Constant Comparison
These comparisons, reinforced since childhood, have planted deep within us a sense of inferiority—an internalised belief that whispers:
• “I’m not good enough.”
• “I haven’t met the standard.”
• “I’m not fast enough, smart enough, or successful enough.”
• “If I’m not better than others, I have no value.”
Even after we’ve moved to the UK and left the high-pressure society of Hong Kong, this feeling doesn’t simply disappear.
It becomes an invisible ruler, constantly measuring our every move—and measuring our children too.
Parental Anxiety Is Often Rooted in Our Own Unhealed Wounds
As Hong Kong immigrant parents, we often feel anxious when raising our children:
• “Will my child fall behind in the UK education system?”
• “If their English isn’t good enough, are they already losing the race?”
• “Why have other Hong Kong families adapted so well, while we’re still struggling?”
• “My child doesn’t know how to socialise—what should I do?”
In truth, much of our anxiety doesn’t stem from real problems with our children—it stems from our own internalised inferiority.
Because we were raised to “win” and “not fall behind,” when we see others doing better, faster, or more successfully than us, we feel pressured.
That pressure then gets passed on to our children—often unintentionally.
What Children Feel Isn’t Love—It’s “I Must Prove I’m Worthy of Love”
When we unknowingly pass on this culture of comparison, our children begin to feel a heavy burden:
• “I have to be the best for my parents to be happy.”
• “If I’m not smart enough, they’ll be disappointed.”
• “If I’m not at the top, no one will appreciate me.”
Over time, children don’t learn confidence—they learn fear and anxiety.
They don’t study out of interest or a desire to grow; they study to avoid failure and criticism.
And when they “lose,” they feel worthless.
Hong Kong’s Competitive Culture: From Social Structure to Family Life
Hong Kong is a highly competitive, fast-paced city with limited space and expensive living.
In this environment, many people have no choice but to compete—even seeing it as a survival skill.
This mindset becomes part of the family dynamic and shapes our subconscious beliefs:
• Winning = success = recognition = self-worth
• Losing = shame = loss of face = rejection
But here in the UK, such values don’t necessarily apply.
British society places greater emphasis on personal growth, respect for differences, and celebrating diversity.
Every child has a different starting point. Every family follows a unique path.
Here, what truly matters is:
“Are you better today than you were yesterday?”
Not “Have you beaten others?”
But “Are you living as your most authentic self?”
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If We Want Confident Children, We Must First Heal Ourselves
To raise children who aren’t trapped in comparison, we as parents must first let go of the win-or-lose mindset we were raised with.
We must acknowledge that we are products of this culture, but we also have the power to break the cycle—to create a healthier space for our children to grow.
This is a journey of self-awareness and cultural transformation.
When we confront our own inferiority feelings and stop letting them control our actions and emotions, we can finally live with freedom—and allow our children to grow with ease and confidence.
A gentle reminder for every Hong Kong parent:
“You don’t need to prove that you’re not worse than others—you are already enough.
Your child doesn’t need to be better than anyone—they only need to become a better version of themselves.”
Choose Growth Over Comparison, and Support Over Competition
If we want our children to be confident, motivated, and emotionally healthy, we must start by letting go of the deeply ingrained comparison mindset.
We must teach our children—and ourselves:
• Value doesn’t come from beating others, but from continuous growth
• Success doesn’t mean standing above others, but being true to yourself
• True strength lies in appreciating, encouraging, and uplifting others—not stepping on them to feel superior
Practical Advice for Hong Kong Immigrant Families: Stop Comparing, Stop Draining
1. Recognise Comparison-Based Thinking
• When you catch yourself thinking, “They already have… we still don’t…”, pause.
• Ask yourself: “Why am I comparing? Is this helping?”
2. Turn Comparison into Reflection
• Change “They’re doing well” to → “What can I learn from them?”
• Shift “I haven’t achieved that” to → “What’s my next step?”
3. Track Your Own Growth
• Every month, write down one or two things you or your family have improved.
• Encourage your child to compare themselves with their past self, not their classmates.
4. Foster a Culture of Support, Not Competition
• When you see other Hong Kong families doing well, respond with appreciation and encouragement.
• Share resources and uplift others—instead of secretly competing.
5. Teach Children Healthy Self-Worth
• Tell your child: “You don’t need to be like anyone else. You are already unique and valuable.”
• Help them admire others—and admire themselves too.
Unity Over Division: Let’s Walk Together, Not Against Each Other
As Hongkongers rebuilding life in a foreign place, our journey is already challenging.
What we need is not more comparison and rivalry, but companionship, collaboration, and community.
Let’s work together to build:
• A Hong Kong diaspora characterised by mutual appreciation and emotional safety
• A family culture that respects differences and supports growth
• A future where we awaken from comparison and grow through connection
Final Words for Parents:
“Letting go of comparison isn’t giving up on progress—
It’s choosing a healthier, more sustainable path for growth.”
