02/05/2025
Over the past 10 months, I’ve become more aware than ever of the difference between sympathy and empathy.
Are you someone who tries to lighten the moment when someone shares something painful? Do you find yourself justifying your words or actions when someone you love says they’re upset with you — only to find they still feel hurt?
These are signs of a lack of empathy.
As Dr. Brené Brown says, “Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives disconnection.”
Empathy is a skill that brings people together, while sympathy can unknowingly create distance.
It’s not just about recognising someone’s experience — it’s about understanding their emotions.
Brené Brown describes empathy as having three key components: courage, compassion, and connection.
Over the last 10 months, I’ve felt this in a way I never have before.
I’ve lost count of the number of conversations where people have told me what I should or shouldn’t feel, what I should or shouldn’t do to “get over my grief.”
And the comment that really cut deep?
Someone told me how sorry they felt for my husband because of my grief. That hurt in a way I can’t quite describe.
Why do people do this?
Because our brains are wired to avoid pain — ours and other people’s.
As Brené Brown says, empathy rarely starts with “At least…”
If I had a pound for every time I’ve heard:
“At least you still have your dad.”
“At least you have your husband.”
“At least the sun is shining.”
And I know — for the most part — this comes from a good place.
I’ve done it too. I’ve shied away from grief because I didn’t know what to say or do.
But empathy?
Empathy sounds like:
"I don’t even know what to say. I’m glad you told me. I’m here."
Or simply:
"Mate… it’s s**t, isn’t it?"
And I say, "Yep. It is."
That’s understanding.
That’s compassion.
That’s someone not trying to fix it.
And honestly?
Fixing it isn’t your job — and most of the time, it’s not even possible.
When someone is hurting, what they often need most is to be listened to.
To feel heard.
To feel cared for.
To feel loved.
To feel like they belong.
In I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t), Brené Brown references Theresa Wiseman’s four attributes of empathy:
🧠 Seeing the world through someone else’s eyes – not yours.
🚫 Being nonjudgmental – judgement distances us from pain.
💓 Understanding someone’s feelings – which means we must be in touch with our own.
🗣️ Communicating that understanding – not with “At least…” but with “Tell me more about it.”
Empathy is a skill — it can be learned and practiced.
You might not feel like it comes naturally to you, but you can learn what it looks like and how to offer it.
When we receive empathy, we feel truly heard and valued.
When we give empathy, we honour someone’s courage in sharing their pain — and offer them something powerful in return: connection.
Corina ###
