22/11/2025
For good. 💚
My 93 year old nanna sat across from me today as I visited her in the home where she lives. She asked me a total of 7 times how old is Walt now in the hour that I was there. She looked at me blankly each time, seriously not knowing the answer to the question. She told me she was going to see the new Christmas decorations at tea time- she said clear as day she had not seen them before because she hadn’t been in the home over Christmas - she was wrong of course she’s been in two years now- but I didn’t want to scare her so I nodded along. As I do with a lot of things. I hear with dementia and memory loss that you are to mostly go along with the little things as to not scare the person going through it. As long as it’s no harm.
It’s sad to see her this way- she doesn’t really know who I am now, she gives me a look when I go in as if to say she knows me but no idea where from. She often tells me that my dad didn’t have a child so I laugh and say well where did I come from then! She laughs but I can see her brain furiously trying to figure it out.
she asks about Walt a lot. She knows he exists but she thinks of him as an average little boy. She will say how’s the bairn as she forgets his name. She doesn’t understand autism, and it’s hard to talk to her about him because she forgets he doesn’t talk. She says things like “oh he will be colouring in” “riding his bike” “going out with his friends” “enjoying school with all of his mates” - all of which he can’t do.
It’s not her fault, she doesn’t know or remember or maybe she doesn’t understand it. I told her today he doesn’t talk - and how he gets my hand to sometimes ask for things and other times he doesn’t know how to ask for anything so he cries. The look on her face was haunting, she asked how old he was, 7 I say. And she said will he ever speak? I don’t know I say.
Did he ever speak? - yes he did actually. Way back at 9months old. She looks more confused now and I wonder why I even started down this path. Sometimes I find it hard to lie about him because the white lie is hurtful to me I guess.
At 9 months old it was around April and my work wanted me back so I tried to do a few days a week. Looking back I don’t know what I was thinking- though Walt had started to talk it had been a tough 9months of screaming reflux and colic. Or so they kept telling me but what it actually was was autism mixed in with those things. There was some early signs but we put them to the back of our mind. It’s early, give the bairn a chance. He’s not even a year yet. People would tell me and I would just think well if it comes to us it comes to us. I can’t do anything about it.
I went back to work like I promised myself I would. I loved my job and the people I worked with - I was a bit of a work a holic often doing long hours and staying behind.
Back then I couldn’t imagine not going back to work- plus I couldn’t afford not too.
I knew the day I went back and pryed myself away from Walt that I wasn’t going to be staying. I knew in the first day pulling up in my car that actually Walt needed me a lot more than this job did. Deep down I knew I probably would have to give up this little career that I had built and progressed through over the last 5 years.
It felt sad and still does sometimes but when you have a baby- suddenly nothing else matters to you/ just them. Just their happiness and their safety and a job- I never thought I would start not to care because I loved the people: but fact is I would never love anyone close to what I feel for Walt.
My first day back my husband sent me this video I’ve posted. Walt had said his first word. I opened the video on my lunch with the staff and I had cried and cried. Mam mam mam I could hear him clear as day. The first time I’d left him and he was asking for me. I was reassured by some gorgeous ladies on my table that I would never shut him up now and I’d soon be demented by his mam mam mam all the time. They laughed it off. No big deal. Gav got it on video anyway, I felt better and thanked myself for sitting with my staff rather than the managers who won’t sit for lunch with their staff because they somehow think they are better. I would rather be with the staff everytime, they are the same as me. No better or worse - just human. I will never forget that table of people who reassured me and got me through and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I finished the day and raced home hoping to hear his little voice.
I didn’t of course for a few days- but it lasted weeks.
Then suddenly as mam came so did nanna and dad. I really felt like we had passed an autism suggested diagnosis when he started talking I felt this massive relief.
Of course it wasn’t to be and I didn’t know then that they can start talking and then one day it just stops and they regress. I didn’t know about autism like I do now. Self taught expert now but then I was blind.
Honestly I can’t even pinpoint a day in my memory when he actually stopped speaking. I can’t remember noticing it massively until it was completely gone. We were dealing with reflux disease and hospital admissions, speaking was the last of my worries really I just wanted him to be okay and we knew he wasn’t, soon allergies would rear their ugly head and speaking got lost.
The love never got lost. The hope never got lost but the words were gone. I started to speak for him, through him and tried other ways but he’s just not got the level of understand yet.
I say YET and I mean it. The power of the word yet for us autism families holds hope opportunities and a glimmer of optimism. Just because he doesn’t do it now doesn’t mean he won’t ever do it. That goes for not just talking of course but all the other things too.
I will never forgive myself for not being there that day he started talking. I only have two or three videos of him talking and I’m so glad Gav got this one for me- but I regret being at work when I could’ve been there to hear it while it lasted. I never got the chance to be sick of hearing him call my name. Only the sadness that he can’t call my name and the desperation of wanting to hear his cute toddler noise or his growing up banter. Or just him shout mam I love you.
I tell my nanna that yes he did used to speak but he stopped and that sometimes happens with autism. She looked at me confused. She asked will he talk again? I said we don’t know. She looked at me with sadness. She asked how old is he? 7 I say , again, and she looks at me with eyes that say he probably won’t now.
I smile and tell her how bloody amazing he is. How he loves cuddles, how he’s poorly at the moment and all he wants to do is touch my face with his face or pull me closer to him, how hes bossy without talking and sometimes can just give you a look and you know your in trouble, how he loves with his whole heart, he shares his love and is obsessed with nanna and granda, how he gets my hand to show me what he wants sometimes, how his smile lights up my heart.
She looks at me with tears in her eyes and says
“Well he doesn’t need to talk does he, he shows you everyday he loves you and he’s happy and that’s all that matters”
I smiled and said your right he is the love of my life. She looks at me and holds my hand she calls me a tough cookie, then she looks up and asks. How old is he again?
You have to laugh, the brain is a funny thing. Whether you’re 7 or 93 these things come to us all. It can be really sad sometimes but you shouldn’t be defined by what you can or can’t do. We’re all human, it’s about your heart and how big it is, how much you care and how much you waste your life caring about the wrong s**t instead of where people love and need you the most. Walt needs me the most so I’m there for him the most and I always will be. We’re together for a reason and he has definitely changed me for good.
In the immortal words of wicked 💚
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good.
